Not the First

First a Margaret postscript: in her job, she had an employee who transitioned.  I always thought she was very lucky, to have a manager like Margaret.

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When I was ready to go out, I decided to have someone do my makeup and help me choose an outfit

Teddy's Handiwork

and escort me shopping for a short trip.  Craigslist was the obvious place to look.

I had a few answers to my first ad and some opted out after corresponding and some agreed to help.  I chose one, she came over (for one, I went to her place), we went out.

Each outing was different; each time, the results were different.  And prior to each there was a long list of demands by my then-wife (she would be away with the kids).  Most were nonsensical but I agreed to all to keep the peace, although in reality I had the upper hand: she had no way to "penalise" me if I didn't agree. However, it was the right thing to do.

Teddy was my third makeover lady.  I don't believe I went out the first time; it was just makeup and photoshoot.  Four months later, I had a makeup lady do me up for the Mardi Gras party. Teddy's first visit was the following day, then almost two years passed before we did a repeat.

Teddy was the best and most memorable.  I would have enjoyed just hanging out with her, in drag or drab.

She lives in DC and I'm still not sure what her primary job is.  She's an entertainer/actress/comedienne/writer.  She sends out a little astrology blast every new moon.  She does makeup and works with the gay community, although I don't know the details.

More tomorrow.

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No Dress Code (Thesis Part III)

Friday I mentioned the "reasons" portion of the "reasons or urges" times I go out.  I don't know if all Meg events fit into one of those categories, but they're definitely most outings.

Urges are time when I just want to go out and do it as Meg.  Sometimes I just want to go to the city or shopping or to the theatre as Meg.  So I do.  I have no problem going to the same shop or museum or whatever as Meg/non-Meg because no-one's going to remember me from one visit to the next.  If I'm shaved and want to feel the wind on my legs and have the extra time, Meg will go.  If not, Meg may go, or not.

Sometimes, I just put on a dress or skirt around the apartment because it's comfortable.  And sometimes that turns into "I really want to go 'full Meg' and I do.

The nice thing about my current situation is, I can often make a decision at the last minute ~ sort of.  I do need to ensure I've been in maintenance mode so I can (relatively) quickly get ready.

And to get back to my original topic, I can choose to be Meg or not.  Even in the "Meg always goes," I can come out and go as non-Meg.  I just have to be ready for the consequences.

Those of us who are or see themselves as going full-time, pre- or post- or no-op, lose the "non-Meg" option... mostly.  Girls can go out in a sort of Victor/Victoria mode and get away with it.  Or just decide androgynous is one of their looks.  I suspect that most transwomen will consider the effort they put into becoming their true selves and not go back-and-forth.  Again, this is from the gut.

I have an option that they, for all practical purposes, do not.  I'm not saying my lifestyle path is better, just that it's right for me.  If my path led me to transition, then giving up the male option would be pure relief, and never a burden.

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No Dress Code (Thesis Part II)

Yesterday, I finished by mentioning that I dress as Meg when I have either a reason or an urge.

Reasons are meeting with a group who only know Meg, going to a girl-centric event, or doing something Meg has never done before and I'd like to add that to my experience list.

The group thing used to trump everything else, and only Meg will go to the Meetup gamer group.  Charity and I often went together.  One woman works in a shop in Alexandria, and we chatted with her there once when Meg was in the area.  But another time, Charity and non-Meg went in and I was OK with that.  But I didn't introduce myself as Meg; I left it up to her identify me (or not, which was the case).

If I went to a new group as Meg, I would probably only go as Meg from that point on, even if I had gone as non-Meg before.  I find the idea of switching back-and-forth odd ~ I think it would be disruptive to others if I did that.  I like to think I'm considerate of others' feelings.

A new group example might be a political group.  I know a lot of the local progressives, although I haven't been involved in a while.

If I started going to a, say, Jim Webb meetup group, I'd probably see people who knew non-Meg.  That opens some options:

• I may say "we've met.  Remember {male name}?"  Or not.
• If I did, I'd probably stick to Meg from then on.
• If I didn't, I'd have to consider how big the group is and how many people I spoke to.
• If it's a big group and I was ignored as an individual, I'd have to decide how to present next time.
• If it's a big group and I spoke to a number of people, it would probably become Meg's group.
• If it's a small group, it would probably become Meg's group.

I used to go to the annual cardmodel convention as non-Meg (with my kids), then I didn't go for a few years.  In that time, non-Meg quietly left the on-line discussion group and Meg joined.  Meg then started going to the convention.  Last year, someone remembered me from the previous year (I'm guessing it's because not a lot of women go there), and I saw several people non-Meg had met before.  I didn't say "hi! Remember (non-Meg)?  That's me."  I did talk to them each year, and I suspect if non-Meg went next year no-one would know we were the same person.

I've been to a handful of houses of worship as Meg and wouldn't have a problem going back as non-Meg.  These are cases where I've been once, been in a large group, and it's unlikely anyone would make a connection unless I said "hi.  Remember Meg?  That's me."

I wouldn't go to my "home" synagogue as Meg only once unless she was clearly ignored (large group, no interaction).  If people I knew said "aren't you non-Meg?" I'd feel like I had to either make up a story (no stories!) or go as Meg from that point on and be prepared to answer questions or put up with gossip.

I'd like to take a class as Meg.  I'd like to take (another) trip as Meg.  I'd like to do outreach, like Stana does.

I can think of things Meg has never done but wouldn't do because it's impractical.  A massage or facial, for instance.

Shopping for a wedding gown would be fun but I'd be wasting someone else's time, when that time could be used to earn a commission (see considerate, above).

Offhand, I can't think of any other things that Meg has not done that she would enjoy.  Or should do, just because.

Oh... scheduled T events are also reasons.

Urges will be presented Monday.

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No Dress Code (Thesis Part I)

Some behaviour is described as being on a line or spectrum, as people often describe (in the strictest sense) straight and gay as endpoints and we're all somewhere on that line.

We inhabit a plane.

Suppose we made a list of attributes and adjectives relating to gender ("never mixes male and female," "favourite item of clothing is ___," "sometimes skips having gender-appropriate hair" and so on). Then all of you were to stand in a spot that represented agreement with those personal levels/ideas of gender presentation, there would be a large percentage of people who are all by themselves.

I'm probably unclear.

Suppose we took 100 people on the transplane and said "go into groups based on what your favourite item of t-clothing is."  We might now have ten groups of participants who each love bras, slips, panties, high heels, corsets, earrings, makeup, and so on.

Then if we had each group sort by "I wear this daily/sometimes/never in my cis-gender role" we might have little groups of three or four people.  Then separate by another criterion: "I plan to transition/take hormones/do other body modifications/carry on as I am" and we might split each group by those five options and everyone is suddenly alone.

We're a huge, diverse group.

......BUT......

Correct me if I'm wrong (and I have no doubt you will!): I think there are exactly two types of people on this planet: ones who always present as the same gender and ones who move back and forth.

I can hear y'all say "wait a second! How about people who present androgynously?"

As I see it, the either present androgynously as one gender (maybe a middle ground, like "Pat" on Saturday Night Live) or they present differently at different times, maybe emphasising or hiding their bust, or wearing a suit that is probably a man's but a woman might be "fashionable" by wearing it, or wearing a skirt that maybe is a kilt.  Or maybe adding male accessories to a female outfit, or makeup to a male presentation.

But even people who consider themselves androgynous or genderqueer or genderfluid (and I'll use that last one as an umbrella) fit into one of these two categories: always present as one gender (even if that gender is unclear), or move back and forth. I'd say the vast majority of genderfluid people are in the "back and forth" category. I'm working from gut; I don't know enough people in this category to back my opinion.

And of course, if you're not presenting as your assigned birth gender then you've been on both sides.  Or maybe you've played with different looks as a teen.

So instead of a lifetime of experience, let's consider a snapshot.  Look at the past year, or (better) how you were six months ago through how you see yourself six months hence.

I see myself dressing as Meg whenever I have either a reason or the urge.  Reasons are becoming fewer.  Urges are balancing out with time involved.

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No Dress Code (Abstract)

I'm slowly coming to realise that a part of the joy of dressing (or not) is that I can dress (or not).

It's often a combination of how far out I want to be and what my mood is.  I have everyday options, albeit within (self-imposed) boundaries.  I'm not going to put on the Meg today to go to work, for instance, but my peer somewhere else might.  Or the me in an alternate universe might.  I'd be uncomfortable, mostly reflecting the discomfort of those around me.

For instance, when I attended the gamers meetups, I was always Meg.  That was by plan.  But with Star's game days, I might be Meg or male.  I've been to the same restaurant (with Charity) as Meg or male.

I think this is a freedom that some in the community give up ~ willingly, yes, but they give it up.

More tomorrow.

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The World Keeps Changing

Sometimes, I post links to articles that might be of interest to my readers.

Some were positive stories: successes in swaying laws our ways or individual stories of acceptance, or milestones for the community.

Some were not: new laws that would have made sense in the middle ages, setbacks to the community through loud obnoxious objectors, assault or murder, or ways we can still be discriminated against.

I haven't been doing that lately.

It's not that there haven't been many stories about the t-community.  There have been a LOT.  And although PT Barnum is reputed to have said "there's no such thing as bad publicity" I'm not so sure.

When a school cancels the cross-dressing day during spirit week because the parents complain, is that good?

When someone is arrested committing a crime while cross-dressed, is that good?

It's helpful to be "out there" when a huge majority of American say they don't know any crossdressers and the media report that as if it's true.  Do they also think that the large increase in people who say they know a gay individual is because suddenly there are more gays?  No, it's because almost all of the people who say they didn't know any were... wrong.

Some major newspapers have someone on staff who covers LGBT issues now.  And I've written to some, to complain that they're really writing about LG and that's it.  Sometimes, they write back and say "there just aren't enough issues to cover."  And mostly, now there are.  And I write back and thank them.

So unless something spectacular happens, I don't think I'll be linking to articles.  And I'm waiting for the day when there are few articles on the whole LGBT community because the first T Senator or first G astronaut are not news.

We're just people, aren't we?  I mean, we're spectacular, wise, talented, and all-around exceptional, but we're just people.  I want us to be treated as such.

Oh... probably no post tomorrow.  Unless I find an article I want to bring to your attention. :)

Enjoy St Patrick's Day.  I'm at a new office so I can tell my collection of Irish jokes to a new audience.

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Nothing Remains Quite the Same

That's as far as I'm going to go with song lines this week.

So following up on what I wrote earlier this week, is there a fundamental shift going on?  One where I'm less interested in doing the full Meg and more interested in incorporating Meg more in my daily life?
I don't know.
I haven't made a conscious shift, any more than I once made a conscious decision to be crossdress.
The most important thing, in my mind: am I going to regret not going out more while I have the opportunities?  I mean, realistically, I can both add Meg touches and dress fully, even on a daily basis.
And I'm not sure how the male-with-a-hint-of-female is going to play out.  This, by the way, is something I would have rejected as an option as recently as a year ago.  I can see I was heading towards mixing very slowly and incrementally but I always thought there was an endpoint.  Now I'm not so sure.  I can't say "this far an no farther."

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Stretch!

I've mentioned I'm pushing the envelope a bit, especially at work.  I have a fairly new Note 4, and I purchased a deep purple case for it.  I've been using it for a few weeks, but last weekend, I swapped out that case for the one pictured here.  It's been with me at work this week and I don't see why that will stop.

Changes In Attitude

I've mentioned before that I have only been out once this year, for a show and dinner on Valentine's Day.  I have a few reasons why: weather, health, opportunity, others.

A couple of weekends ago, there was a scheduled game day which was cancelled due to snow, so Meg stayed home.

This past weekend, for instance, I was supposed to be out of town with my son and I'd be back too late for the Saturday soiree.  Going away was postponed for a couple of weeks but I had a lot of things to do around the house and not enough time to get ready.  Plus Charity had to work late and wouldn't have been available to help me get ready.

See?  There are lots of reasons.  But I'm pretty sure there's really just one reason and I'm pretty sure it's none of those.

I don't know what it is though.  I'm working on it.  And I will be out again, in the near future.

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Sir or Miss?

When I went back to the eye doctor, I spoke to a young woman at the front desk who I have been happily giving a hard time.

She asked if I was wearing my contacts and I told her if I wasn't I'd probably be facing in the wrong direction when talking to her and maybe calling her 'sir.'  She said she'd be offended if I did and I said "sometimes I get ma'am'd.  Like here." And I pulled up a Renaissance Faire picture on my phone.  She said "I could see that."  The other woman behind the counter craned her neck so I showed it to her too and she nodded.

But in fact, I probably didn't get ma'am'd while at the faire.

I probably got "m'lady'd."

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The Eyes Have It

I've been trying to get comfortable contacts that I can actually see with.  At the end of last year, I had my eyes checked and last month I finally got a pair of "test" contacts.

They didn't work so well.  I could wear them, but not read with them.  I picked up (girlish) reading glasses to use with them and shared my issues with the eyedoc.

He gave me another left lens, better for reading.  It was better for reading but not great for reading my phone (but doable). I wore them to work and brought a contact case, reading glasses, and spare glasses with me.

I haven't needed the reading glasses but last Wednesday I had to take the lenses out.  After eight hours all I could think about was how uncomfortable the lenses were.

I went down to my car where I had left my glasses.  At this job I just carry my small crossbody purse and there's not a lot of room for extras.  I put the lenses in a case (with water; I didn't bring any
solution) and put on my glasses.

The only glasses I brought were my Meg glasses. 

This was by design.

I said hi to few people at the office, and after work I saw a client I had visited just a week before. 

They made no comment and probably didn't even notice that sometimes I wear one pair of glasses or no glasses anyway.

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In For a Penny, In For a Pound

So I have a new contract.  I'm working not far from where my last contract was, also doing Department of Defense work but in a totally different area: business then, health now.

My first day I wore a purple shirt with a purple bead necklace.   Usually, I wear a long chain that dangles below my shirt.  The bead necklace is pretty short ~ I'd call it a choker.

Since that day, I've worn more women's shirts than men's.  I've worn our (Charity & I share) Pandora bracelet (sometimes).  I am continuing my socks-match-my-shirt philosophy, wearing tights when appropriate.  My rings are not what men would call "men's" rings.  I dropped my tote for my small crossbody purse.

I've also changed bra wearing from a sometimes thing to part of my wardrobe.

Why not?

Oh....  I'm also working hard to make me stand out as the alpha member of a large team.

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Casual Outing

There was one woman at my old job who I dealt with fairly regularly.  In the course of kidding around, I had shown her a couple of Meg pictures, starting with a Renaissance Faire picture which can be taken as a costume or not: your choice.

I also showed her my office Halloween costume ~ same deal, right?

I might have shown her one other; I can't recall.

But I never confirmed nor denied nor was asked about whether this was a lark or otherwise.

I mentioned my upcoming wedding.  She asked something about whether I was going to wear a wedding dress.

I was surprised and asked why she would say that.  She seemed flustered and changed the subject.

I guess I was less oblique than I thought.  No matter.  I wouldn't do the kidding if I wasn't prepared to step all the way out of the closet, at least with her.  I mean, if you just come partially out, you're liable to get hit in the head with the closet door.

After the wedding, I showed her some pictures and said it's something I do, sometimes, and this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.  She was good with that.  I put no conditions on it, no "don't tell anyone" or anything like that.  As I said, I wouldn't say anything if I wasn't ready to face the consequences.

And now I work elsewhere.

The old gang are planning "alumni" get-togethers, kind of networking events, at someone's house.  I'm considering letting Meg go to the first one.  It's not really a serious thought, but neither was flying pretty when I first thought about it.

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Also at the Mall

While I was in the mall for my pre-wedding shedding, I decided to see if there were any Pandora charms I might like for our community bracelet (it's Charity's but I wear it too).  I wore it that day so I could see how new charms would look with the current ones and to ensure I didn't duplicate one that was already there.

I saw one I really liked, since it had the same elements as the ring we got as wedding rings at the Renaissance Fair (swans, crown, heart) and I waited for a sales lady.

When the saleslady arrived, I showed her my ring and we chatted about the symbolism.  I asked her about other charms I saw in their catalogue but didn't see in the shop.  Hint: the catalogue has retired items that are available on-line but not in the store.

The saleslady had a necklace that had some Hebrew letters on it.  Hebrew only has consonants; vowels are marks below the letters and are usually omitted.  Before really looking at it I said "is that your name," and I sounded it out.  It was clearly her name and I said "well obviously I should have read it before asking."

She was surprised that I had a Celtic ring and could read her name.

I also showed her my necklace, which was under my shirt but clearly a women's style.

But, like the haircut lady, no reason to mention my dressing arose so it remained unmentioned.

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While at the Mall

As I said, I also got my haircut.  I have a long time hair... I hate to call her a stylist since there's little to style but I'll stay with that term.

I have a long time hair stylist, N, and I always try to have her do my hair.  I also know the shop owner from outside the salon (our sons went to school together and we socialise at the state chess tournaments).  Because of that, I've always been cautious about telling N about Meg and have not yet done so. 

On occasions where I didn't come from the salon first, she always trims my brows, has seen but not commented on my feminine jewelry, and knows my aversion to body hair.

But I've always implied.  And every time I go, I look for an opening but one never shows up.  It's a bit odd to just say "did I ever tell you about my hobby?"

While I was previously married, I never felt it was the right thing to do because of the school connection and I didn't want someone telling my wife that she knew; that would be wrong.  I didn't care if it went the other way.

This time, I went in and felt it was really time to tell her.

Except... it didn't come up.

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She Thinks I'm Joking

Prior to my wedding, I wanted to do my best to get all of the hair off my body.  I planned to wear tights and it's easy enough to shave my legs so I thought I would do them the night before.  My back and arms/shoulders are more difficult to clean up.  So I went back to my old salon lady.

I haven't seen her in a couple of years.  She has done my back and brows and maybe my arms before.  She knows about Meg ~ it's hard to get your brows done properly unless it's clear you want them girly, not just neatened.  She's seen photos as well.

She did my arms and back, as requested, and I had a not incredibly painful experience.  I also asked her to do my brows as long as I was there.  I reconsidered having her do my legs but didn't feel comfortable taking off my pants in the (closed room of the) salon, so I stuck with my do-it-myself plan.

For the dress I planned to wear, I didn't need to have my back done, but I like the feel of a hairless body.  Doesn't everyone?

After we were done, I was chatting with the receptionist/cashier while I paid.  I asked if they still used envelops for tips, and my waxy lady showed up and the cashier said "or you could just take care of her now."

The technician turned to the receptionist and said "he's getting married in a few days" and I said to her, "I have a dress picked out and everything."  The cashier smiled and, being funny, said "do you have a nice pair of heels too?"  I looked at my waxy lady and pointed at the cashier and said "she thinks I'm joking" and I turned and left.

As I left I heard her say "no, he's really going to wear a dress for his wedding" but not more of the conversation.

I did want to run down the mall so I could get my haircut as well ~ it was getting a bit long and I like my hair short under my wig.

After the haircut, I wandered around the mall, looking for a couple of things and found myself back near the nail salon.  The same woman was behind the register so I pulled a couple of Meg photos up on my phone and walked in and said "hi.  Remember me?"  She did and I said "I know you didn't believe me" and pulled up a photo for her.  My technician came over and wanted to see the pictures too, so I shared a couple and promised to return with pictures from the ceremony next time I was in the mall.

Casual Outing

A couple of Saturdays ago, I went to a game day in drab.  This is the one that has a mix of trans and civilians, and I've been to games both dressed and not.  On the first one where I went in drab, someone introduced himself.  I said "yes, we've met" and he was certain we had not.  So I guess my "Meg disguise" is a good one.

I wore my Mrs necklace, tights, girl jeans and a jean shirt, and a lightly padded bra and a camisole underneath.

A couple who were at the games previewed a costume for MarsCon the following week and I told them that Charity and I got married and one of our hosts was there, wearing a tuxedo.  I pulled out a few pictures and showed them around.  There were NO comments on the fact that I was wearing a dress.

So I am out enough.

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Later, That Same Day... Wig Shopping!

While in Alexandria, we visited a wig store.  To reiterate, I was in drab.

We went to one a couple of weeks earlier but I had a bit of sticker shock.

I know wigs are pricey, but I didn't expect the bottom-of-the-line ones to cost $170, many cost $250 to $300, and they had some over $1000.

With prices in mind, we went to one of the two wig shops in Alexandria.  It turns out it was the more expensive one, but they had nicer wigs.  Most were $150 to $250; they had hand-woven wigs for about $500.  They looked Really Good.  You could lift up the front and it looked like you were looking at hair growing out of your own personal scalp.

We walked in and started looking at the wigs on the shelves.  The saleslady was very chatty.  She looked at my bag and said "I have the same purse!  I like it because it can hold my cell phone!"  I've been kind of expecting that someone would think "I have the same purse" but didn't expect anyone to say it.  I found it surprising and amusing.

As we looked, she looked at me and said "is it for you?"  I was surprised and hesitated, which probably made her worried for a second but I said "yes" and she said she had "thousands" of male customers buy wigs.  I attribute the "thousands" to the fact that English was not her native tongue and she was confused. :)

I bought a wig; pictures in a week or two.

One funny thing: a group of teen/20somethings came in and wanted to try on a wig while I was sitting in the back (which was clearly visible to the people in the rest of the store).  The only saleswoman in the store was helping me and when informed one wanted to try on a wig to "see how she'd look as a blonde," the saleswoman said trying on wigs cost $10.  She had said nothing to me about that; I guess she knows a serious buyer from someone looking for entertainment.

We picked a wig which I liked except the hair dipped over one eye, obscuring it completely.  The saleslady pulled out a hairstyling bib and proceeded to cut the bangs.  I had made no commitment to buying the wig; I thought that was a rather strange move on her part.

While she was playing with the wig, another shop worker came in and was standing next to us, looking at some things; I wasn't paying attention to what.

I decided to buy the wig, the saleswoman whipped it off and the other woman let out a gasp and said "you should wear that all the time!  It took off 30 years!"

Maybe I should.

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Opportunity Passed By

There's a group of civilian gamers we used to join semi-regularly.  We kind of stopped, and I'm not sure why.  We met Star through that group, and we still go to Star's game days, but not the original group.

One woman we chatted with works at a store in Alexandria.  We saw her there once.  I was Meg (same as the game days) and Charity was, well, Charity.

A couple of Saturdays ago, we went to the store and she was there.  I was in drab, and I caught her eye a couple of times; she showed no recognition.

When we were leaving the store, Charity waved to her and she came over.  She remembered Charity from game days, but seemed to have No Clue as to who I was.

I was thinking of saying "Hi.  Remember me?  We played games together in the past, but I didn't.  As I mentioned not long ago, I go there as Meg, they expect Meg and draw their own conclusions.  I don't choose to bring my presentation up as a topic of discussion, although I wouldn't shy away from it.

So I stood by silently.  Charity didn't introduce me, and I had nothing to say.

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That's What Makes a Horse Race

Friday's post (Meg gets packages) started a bit of a discussion in the comments and e-mails.

Mandy, Stana, and Diane gave me some more options for sidestepping saying who Meg is; Paula took the opposite position by asking "what happened to 'no more stories?'" and Alice said "just tell the truth."

One great reason to always tell the truth is it's easier on the memory.  And Meg is as real as I want her to be; saying "she's not real" or she's someone else is obviously a story and makes her fiction.

"No more stories" grew out of the care - don't care spectrum.  And when I moved in, I expected that someday the people in the office would meet Meg sooner or later.  I don't sneak out; I go out through the main entrance no matter how I'm dressed.  The people in the office know Charity and if we're seen together someone will figure out the obvious.

But trans is still not a housing-protected minority.  I don't think my lease will allow them to toss me if they disapprove, but they might make it difficult for me to renew, or they might start looking for reasons to ask me to leave.

I have no reason to think either of the people currently in the office would have a problem with Meg.  But the previous office folk dinged us for having purple ribbons tied to the patio fence; we had to take them down.

So I want to be cautious but not hide.  And if no "Meg story" forces my hand, if one sees Charity and Meg and says "hi Charity" and looks at me I'll tell her I'm Meg.

Another vote for the truth.

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