Monday, June 14, 2010

Two Minds

Are y'all ready for a novel? Here it comes.

So far, I have received four comments on this blog. One was a friend saying hi (Hi Deb!) and one was a very encouraging note from an anonymous reader.

I appreciate every note and comment.... I don't think I put my e-mail address on here ( but I will. I've been spending free time writing, and thinking about the trip, and planning, and not learning blogspot or blogger or whatever this site calls itself.

I'd like to address the other two comments I received. One is from Chris. She noticed that I said I would be in a secure facility and wondered if there's a problem with clearance and crossdressing. (By the way, the secure facility I was in that day was a women's prison!)

I answer every security questionnaire truthfully. I haven't come across one that asks about sexual orientation or gender identity issues. There is usually a catchall "is there anything you can be blackmailed about?"

When I filled out my first form, I paused there. And I made a decision: if I ever got a call from someone saying "I know what you do when you're alone and I have pictures and the addresses of your family and friends and boss and you will do what I want or I'll tell all...." I'd take a deep breath and say "knock yourself out."

So no, this is not something I can be blackmailed about. Yes, I'm of two minds on the word getting out. But I'm leaning more towards being true to myself, and letting chips fall where they may.

I wear women's shirts sometimes. If anyone were to notice and say "isn't that a woman's shirt?" I plan to say "no it's MY shirt." This is evolutionary ~ at one time I would've stammered and fallen over at the thought of being discovered. From there I went to planning to saying something like "No! It can't be. Is it? Why do you think that?" and never wearing it again. I'm heading towards the point where I'll say "yes, I saw it in the store and I liked it so I bought it." Final step is "yes, I like wearing women's clothes. It fits well, doesn't it?"

I'm not there yet, but sometimes I feel like making the leap. And no-one's ever asked.

I wear socks with flowers or feminine patterns. I think it's pretty obvious that they're not men's socks. I've been asked about it only once or twice. I simply say "I don't wear ties and I want a little colour in my wardrobe" and that's sufficient. But I should say, "they go with my girls' sneakers." Two minds.

I wear a charm bracelet, with four charms on it. Almost no-one comments on it, which I think means people notice it and aren't sure what to do about it. When people do, I explain each of the charms and why I wear the bracelet. Recently, an elementary school age girl saw it and said "is that YOURS?" I said "of course! Whose would it be?" She said "your wife, or your daughter".

No-one notices that hair on my arms (and legs and upper chest) seems to come and go.

About a year ago, I was joking with my manager and said that I could look like a girl. A few days later, I showed her a picture. I had to convince her that it was me (she was certain it was my sister - yay!). Then she asked "was this for a party, or is this something that you do, sometimes?"

I thought that was the most perfect description of my relationship with Meg. I was going to try the "party" defense (actually I wasn't sure what I was going to say ~ that two minds thing) but I said "it's something that I do, sometimes."

That was one of the most liberating moments of my life. And it worked out well ~ she wanted to see more pictures and when I suggested I come to work for Halloween (well, the day before) she practically insisted. I did. Again, for the "two minds" thing, I had a makeover at MAC that day so when people said "you seem awfully good at the makeup" I could say MAC did it.

About ten years ago, when just shopping for women's clothes gave me small panic attacks, I went into a little shop called "Boutique Unique". They had new clothes, used, clothes, vintage clothes. The owner was there and the shop was mostly deserted. I picked out a few things and she said there are no returns. I was wondering if I should buy them and she said "what size do you usually get?" From the tone and her look, I knew she was trying to decide if they were for me or not. I just blurted out "I usually wear a 12" and she pulled out a tape measure and measured me and told me which of the clothes might fit or might not and said I could try them on, but I was NOT ready for that.

Two minds.

Back to the original point.... My wife thinks crossdressing can get my clearance revoked. I think not.

Chris also wrote:

I find myself most curious about our relations with job / friends / wife, and I keep asking about such.

Well, I'm not quite sure what you mean, which is a good thing. This is long enough, but if you explain a bit, I'll be happy to answer. At some point I'll explain my philosophy on secrets. Amanda, you can skip that one. :)

The other comment I want to briefly address was anonymous and here is the gist:

judging by the photo on your blog, you don't look very passable. I think you would be crazy to consider flying .... at best, you risk ridicule by others, at worst you risk being beaten up or arrested (it is not a good idea to mess with airport security guys).

But this is way too long, so I'll leave it for tomorrow.

I'm also going to change pictures. Am I passable, or not?


  1. Thanks so much Meg!

    We sound much alike, from our handling of the blackmail question to our quips about "no its MY shirt."

    I too wear "women's" shoes, socks, shirts, jewelry, eyeshadow, etc. So far nobody has cared, so once again the lesson learned is that the fear is unfounded. But no matter how often we are told that, that fear is still there isn't it?

    About family etc., it's is just that most of the CD blogs are about what I wore, where I went, what I did, but very little about, say, how my wife felt when I stood in our bedroom wrestling into my foundation garments. Or about how the Brother-in-law reacted to her high heels and stockings. I guess I am seeking to hear in these important aspects of life the same success stories we hear under the rubric "I went to the Speedy Mart en femme and didn't get mugged."

    Thanks again for your candor and thoroughness! It is honestly appreciated.

    (And thanks for putting up with my less-clear way of communicating. Guess that's why I am NOT a blogger - )


  2. Dear Meg,
    Yeah, go like this and you will be blessed.
    It's like anonymous said: real life stories are so much more interesting.
    Self-reflection and humor are essential I think for long term survival in our society.
    Keep up the good two spririts.
    Wish you a save and happy journey.


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