Working Backwards

I've been out a few times, events I haven't written about yet.  I'm going to start with the most recent: last Saturday.

Saturday was Kim's biggest, best clothing swap yet.  It was publicised on the local t-groups.  There were vendors, raffles, food, and 300 or so women there.  I'd say there were maybe eight t's among the g's.

Typical scene (it might be wider than the screen; a click will help):

Anyone see Waldo?

At one point, many of the local girls sat down for a bite:

That's Kelly up front on the right, and Star and Andrea on the left.  I think that's a bit of Steffi behind Kelly, and Stephie is looking at the camera from the back.  I think Sharon was Desperately Seeking a Non-Ham Sandwich. :)

At one point, someone came up to me and told me she was a member of Christine's trans-group but I had no idea who she was: for some reason, she was dressed as a guy.  To each their own.

Alas, I wasn't in the pictures, since someone had to wield the camera.   I wore a blue maxi-dress and slides, and since Charity had to work, I got to practice my own makeup for a change.

I spoke to a number of women there, mostly little things: comments on their haul or what they were looking at.  At one point I said "I was hoping you'd put that down" and I snatched up a top (8P ~ it went down again).

I also spoke to one woman and asked to take her picture ~ I said she had "won first place:" she was carrying three huge bags full of clothing.  She laughed and said "I was trying to keep a low profile."

It was a long walk back to the car and along the way a woman who was just getting there asked where the

entrance was (I told her, and told her it was nearly over ~ she said she was picking up a friend).  In the parking lot, another woman said "how'd you do?" and we briefly compared notes.

I figure either (a) I pass pretty well, or (b) people are fine with how I present.  Either way is fine with me and proved once again that a swap is a great and safe place to go out and mingle with civilians, especially if you're like I was when I started going out: I did not want to interact with men.  Almost no men there, except for one vendor and Kim's husband and he's as accepting as anyone I ever met.  And that girl dressed in guy clothes.

So, how did I do?  I had brought in several very nice dresses, a skirt, and a blouse (none fit well) and I was happy to see that they all found new homes.  I didn't see a lot that I wanted to bring home, but I found a dress that Charity might like and a couple of tank-top-style camis for me.

Star and Andrea had mentioned to Charity that they'd maybe like to get together for dinner that evening.  Steffi was stag (doe?) that weekend and asked if she could come along.  We happily agreed, and the five of us had dinner at a local Tex-Mex restaurant.  Steffi went shopping and on other errands; I wore the same outfit I had to the swap.  It was pretty comfortable and kinda cute.  Alas, I forgot to get pictures of our gang.

For those keeping track, I didn't need to use the ladies' room at either the swap or the restaurant.  Even with a margarita.  (At the restaurant, not the swap.)

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Transgender Day of Remembrance, Part III

And Afterwards

After the service, I sought out the minister I met last year (not easy ~ you know about me and faces!).  Remember I went to the previous two years in drab, and I spoke to her each time.  So I almost fainted when I introduced myself as "Meg" and said I spoke to her at previous TDoR events and she said "I remember you!"  That's absolutely the LAST thing I want to hear under those circumstances!

It turns out, she remembered my blog.  I had given her the address and she took the time and trouble to visit and matched me up to my pictures.  Crises averted, although she has met Meg and the other me.  That makes her one of a small but slowly growing group.

From there, Cindy, Charity, Rachel, and I went to a nearby restaurant.  We had some t-chat, some girl talk, and some nice food in a mostly-empty restaurant.  I can't speak for the rest of the girls, but I did not want to leave.  Alas, Tuesday night outings means Wednesday morning work.

Here is a picture of the t-threesome and the program for the event.  Click on any to enlarge.

Meg, Rachel, Cindy (Lucinda)

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Transgender Day of Remembrance, Part II

Remembering

I got there early, but not as early as I hoped.  The church clergy requested a donation of a canned good or clothing for a trans-support shelter in DC.  I brought in several items of clothing that I held back from the latest swap (sorry Kim, but I have *more* ~ I promise).

As I walked into the sanctuary, a pretty girl in the back row said "Meg?" and I met Cindy.  She introduced Joann and we moved up a few rows and sat and got to know each other.  Unfortunately, I didn't get to say more than "hello" to Joann.  I had a nice talk with Cindy and made sure she knew how great I thought it was that she runs this group and encourages other girls to get out.  It felt weird saying that, considering we were in an event remembering girls (and boys) who died just for doing what we were doing.  I will admit that girls like Cindy and Stana and a few others are personal heroines.

At the start of the service Rachel came bouncing in.  Some of us are out.  Rachel is OUT.  I first met
her before she was Rachel (she was Vanessa then) and before she understood herself (she's transitioning now).  Where I am full of doubts about my situation, Rachel is at peace.  Everyone who needs to know about Rachel, knows, and they are dealing with it.  Her orchestra mates are fine, her co-workers and work management are fine, her wife is fine....  I think until one reaches their own personal equivalent of Rachel's level one cannot answer the simple question, "how important is this to me?"

The service was very nice.  I was going to add "but a wee bit disorganised" but until I can do better, I'll keep my mouth shut.  Fingers still.  Whatever.

I enjoyed the readings, and I enjoyed the speakers even more than the readings.

The crowd participated via singing, holding hands, sitting sadly when they lit a candle for each person killed in the past year.

At the end, I was looking over the people who came up to light the candles and the congregants.  I started to make a mental list of how many men were there, how many women, and I didn't.  I realised I'm in a room full of people strewn across the gender spectrum and if we introduced ourselves just by gender experiences we'd probably each occupy a unique spot:

He used to be she and just got married to a woman. 
She is gender-satisfied and gay. 
He is trans but scared and would faint if someone handed him a bra. 
She is getting hormones because facial/body hair is important to her self image. 
He told his wife about his secret hobby because hearing about the TDoR made it important to do so. 
She has a son who's trans, out in California. 
He is deep in the closet, hiding his girl wardrobe, and made up an excuse to come tonight. 
She believes in equal rights, deep in her soul, and came to show support and learn.

I don't know anybody's story.  But I know deep down that every person in that congregation had a different one.  We're all people with a common interest: we're here because other people died for the crime of being themselves.

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Still Great Timing

Not a lot of you have taken this week's poll.  It was scheduled to close it on Wednesday, but I'm going to leave it open until the end of the week.  Starting tomorrow, I'll have my interpretation of the results of the first poll.  I don't know if you'll agree with me ~ feel free to let me know, whether you do or not!

Anyway, if the long introductory post is what's keeping you from voting, here's the Reader's Digest version: Z wrote to me to say that while she was out, a gentleman chatted her up and they started getting fairly intimate on the spot.  I wrote that, after having "admirers" ask for dates (and turning them down ~ I like girls), I started to think that maybe a date with a guy would be fun (but no funny stuff).  So look at the choices, keeping that in mind, and check as many boxes as are appropriate.

A few days ago, I wrote about going out early next month.  Things have changed a bit, but for the better, I think.  I hope.

The plan, as I wrote, was for my wife and son (and a friend and her son) to go to the beach Sunday through Tuesday.  Sunday is the next clothing swap, which is where I plan to be.  I also plan to take  Monday off and do something.

There are a couple of potential problems:

* my job involves meetings.  The main meeting is Monday morning.  Blowing off that meeting is tricky.
* Sunday is the last day of the 4-H fair.  My kids are always involved.  Sunday is breakdown day.  I can probably get someone to take apart the exhibit for me, but I should pick up my son's entries and such.  I'll be at the clothing swap and I think having Meg go to the fair is a bad idea.  See?  I do have some common sense.

Well, my wife decided my son really needs to be at the fair that day.  She changed the beach trip to Monday through Wednesday.  August 8 through August 10.

A slight change of plans.  I'll be with my son at the fair Friday night.  He's in charge of one of the exhibits and has to register kids and write down the results of the judging.  I'll help, if help is requested.  He's pretty resourceful when he needs to be.  We'll all be at the fair Saturday ~ he has to keep an eye on the exhibits, make sure they don't get damaged or knocked over or anything.

But Sunday, I'll have my wife take him down.  I'll change (no nail polish, alas) and go to the swap.  I'll be back home and changed back before they get back from the fair.

Since they'll go to the beach Monday, I'll work that day and make the meeting members happy.  I'll take off Tuesday and make that a Meg day.  I may even meet with one (or more) of those Classy DC Sisters, if they'd like to meet with me.  Paige wrote to me that one of the ladies (Debbie) likes to go out on Tuesdays and I should contact her.  Maybe I will.

I think this will work.  I just need to make plans for the day on Tuesday.  I'd like to do something other than the usual (shopping), as much fun as that is.

The only problem now is to tell me wife that she needs to keep my son at the fair all day so they don't get a surprise when I come home!

I know some of my readers look out for me.  I want to let y'all know that the beach vacation is not for me.  It's a chance for my wife to spend time with her friend and for the boys to play together.  We'll probably go away as a family later in the month.

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Classy DC Sisters

Please take this week's poll.  Read the introductory post first, and please take your time!  I know it's long, but I believe it may help you understand yourself.

Before I go on, I want to say I'll be doing regular posts this weekend.  With the polls and going out soon, I have some topics and I don't want to get too far behind.

As I said yesterday, I've belonged to the Classy DC Sisters yahoo group for over a year.  It's for girls who like to go out and be seen.  They mostly go to one of the two local gay clubs and sometimes to t-events in the area.  Sometimes, they go to other friendly clubs or bars.  Generally, they go out Sunday night and that's almost always impossible for me.  Not this year.  The family is scheduled to go away on a Sunday and I'll have to see if the group is going to the club that night.

There are some problems:

I'm not a drinker.
I'm not a dancer.
I'm not a club girl.

I don't know how comfortable I'd be there.  I have problems hearing over background noise, and I suspect the club is noisy.   Weddings and such are bad for me, partly because it's a stretch for a classic introvert to talk to strangers, and partly because I can only hear the person next to me.

The sisters regularly post photos of trips out.  I haven't gone through them all, but from the photos I've seen, they dress Ready To Party.  This is not a criticism ~ they look great!  It's just that they dress sexier than I ever have, even when I was just staying at home. 

So I don't know. 

Plus, if someone saw me come home wearing a skirt, well, that's a bit of a problem.  If someone saw me come home at midnight in a sequined micro-mini skirt and five inch pumps, well....

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You Can Call Me Cautious

If you're not up to reading a long boring post at least skip down to the line of ~~~~~~~~~~~ near the bottom.

I'd like to start by saying I am not paranoid. I don't see conspiracies lurking everywhere and people are not out to get me (except for the ones that are, and I'm keeping a close eye on them. And a journal. One copy will go to the newspapers if anything happens to me; the other goes to the police). OK, that last part was an attempt at humour.

In advance, I'm going to beg pardon for my generalisations.

Like most of us (crossdressers, not paranoiacs), I keep my girl-self hidden from most people. Like the child who sleeps with the light on, we have a variety of reasons. Like the child, they're pretty much all fear-based. I'm guessing most common is fear of rejection of those around us. Fear of hostility is probably high on the list, as is fear of humiliation or being laughed at. We don't want our children teased because "your daddy is a sissy".

Whatever the reason, most gurls who are out regularly still separate their two identities. Their neighbors probably don't know, their extended family probably don't know, their immediate family may not know.

So the flying bit raised my paranoia level (can I just call it caution level?) from it's usual low Meg 3 to about 9.

When Meg is shopping, she can pay cash ~ anonymous. She hopes the neighbors don't see a woman driving away or home, and she hopes no-one recognises her vanity plate and comes over to see, um, non-Meg.

See, some of you know both Meg and her male self; the vast majority do not. This is the only thing I have in common with Superman. :)

The fact that someone may figure out that "that was no lady that was...." is what keeps the level up to 3. That, and the fact that someone might look right through Meg and not just see a guy in a dress but a particular guy in a dress. When I'm not dressed, my level is a healthy 2.7.

So what kept me up to a 9? I took a cab to the mall in drab. Walking through the mall with a suitcase and laptop bag was odd, but not a problem. Walking through the mall or the airport dressed was no different than shopping.

In the past, that was it. Not this time.

The taxi dispatcher has my phone number. The cabbie knows and can make a connection.
The airline knows everything about me ~ name, address, phone, everything.
Ditto the TSA. Ditto the rental car place. The flight crew could find out who the "lady" in 6c was.

The hotel is the worst ~ I'm still here.

Dinner was cash and anonymous.

I didn't tell anyone who knew Meg is flying where I was going.

There might be some Glenn-Beck-type clod who could pick up the details and (paranoia alert!) be waiting at the airport with signs and a bullhorn denouncing what he considers a pervert.

The odds? About 0.001%.

Or the readers from crossdressers.com or the Classy DC Sisters group or Stana's blog might say "hey, we're local. Let's put on our best and give Meg a fantastic sendoff!"

The odds? About 0.001%.

Although one would be horrid (but not trip-ending) and one would be fantastic (but embarrassing), both are above my paranoia level of a probability of 0.0009%. So here's what I didn't say (note the marker I mentioned earlier):

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I flew from Washington Dulles airport, about 30 miles from DC, to Kansas City. From there, I drove to Topeka where I'm working right across the street from the capitol building. I'm staying in the hotel close to the West Ridge Mall. I won't say what agency not because of my caution but because I'm not supposed to. I'll be flying back (not as Meg) Friday evening.

By the way, I slept like a baby last night ~ I woke up wet and crying every couple of hours. No, I slept through the night for the first time in a few weeks. But every sleepless minute and elevated heartbeat was worth it.

Tomorrow, work permitting, I'll start writing about the trip. I feel like it's anti-climactic though.