Mardi Gras History

(I already used "All On A Mardi Gras Day" for an earlier post on my own Mardi Gras dressup day)

Take a couple of minutes and check out the trailer for the movie "The Sons of Tennessee Williams."  It didn't seem to have a lot of box office success, but the story seems fascinating.  The film isn't sold everywhere, but it can be purchased from the studio for under $20, and it's available for download on Netflix.  The New York Times reviewed it, and Rotten Tomato readers liked it.

I wonder what I would have thought of this as a child.  Here were men dressing as women, and in public.  They seemed attracted to other men, and I knew pretty early on that I was interested in girls.  I wonder if I'd rethink that, the same way I thought I wanted to be a girl when I was young, because I wanted to wear dresses and only girls wore dresses....  So I must want to be a girl.

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Other Times, You're Ignored

I came across some information on another old friend, one who's met Meg but only as a "costume."  She's since moved to Kansas, but still keeps in touch with some local folks I no longer keep in touch with.  We all met in 2004, via a political meetup group.

Stupid, I know, but I sent her a facebook "friend" request.

I haven't heard back.  It's been about a week.  I didn't send any special "hi!  Remember me?  We met once at your Mardi Gras party in 2005!" message, just a standard request.

You know how it is when you lean back too far in your chair and almost fall backwards, but save yourself at the last second? I feel like that all the time.  (Steven Wright)

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Mixed Emotions + Update

My friend P and my wife's friend J, both of whom were in our wedding party, will be staying over and going to the rally on Saturday. My wife told J about my costume. I'm trying to decide if I should tell P, or just wait and see what happens.

They've never met Meg and I'd rather they didn't know about her, except as a Halloween costume.

I have asked if people here and others in a local Yahoo t-group are going. So far, I haven't heard from anyone. If several t-folk come over, even if they're well-behaved, it's going to raise suspicions.

Assuming my natural manner and beauty haven't already aroused suspicions. :)

By "well-behaved" I mean not coming over and saying "I read your blog! It's great that you flew to Kansas as Meg!" but by being discreet. I'm really not worried about that. We're all in this together, and I think we're pretty good at imagining life when the pump is on the other foot.

I have other things to worry about.

I'm going to fall back on my new prime directive: No Stories.

I'm not sure how far I'm going to go in coming out. For one thing, my wife will be embarrassed. That is NOT my goal. I don't even want that as a side effect, but if it happens, it happens. I'll face the consequences.

For another, I don't really know how far I want to come out, right now. I really don't. I wish I could say with certainty, here's where I want to be. I can't.

And once the closet door is open, it's open. "Just kidding" only goes so far.

I don't plan to open my closet to show my wardrobe to either friend. I may open my personal closet ~ the one I spend too much time in. Do I open it just a crack, or all the way?

It's a matter of how I answer the question "you've done this before, haven't you?"

I feel comfortable with each friend on a different level, but I have to give the same answers. I can't tell one "it's something I do sometimes" and not the other.

So there are three possible answers, really. And two are "yes":

* "yes, it's something I do sometimes". I Am Out.
* "yes, I did Mardi Gras once". And maybe I'll admit to going to work last Halloween as well.
* "how hard can it be? Twelve year old girls do it". That's taken as a "no", but I didn't answer the question. It borders on story.

Answer one is the best, most honest answer. It's also one I don't think I'm ready to give. I may be wrong. I have a few more days to think about it.

Just to complicate matters: as I said, a client will be there. G (a personal friend) and her husband will be there. S (more of my wife's friend but she knows me) will be there.

If I see them there, they have to get the same answer.

There is a limit on "yes": no-one who knows my wife, can know more than she does. I won't admit to flying nor to the blog in this case. "What's the wildest thing you ever did?" will probably be the clothing swap.

The closet door is open. I'm just not sure how far. Or how far I want to open it.

And an update on getting ready....

Count this as Logistics part 3 of ?.

I picked up a monkey and black t-shirt. The T is from Ann Taylor. A very helpful woman showed me all sorts of inappropriate tops, even though I was very explicit as to what I wanted. When she found one I liked, she said "what size does she wear?" I said "it's for me". She looked shocked so I added "it's for my Halloween costume" and told her what I was going to be. She didn't think I could try it on because there were other women using the dressing area. I didn't push the issue. A medium and large looked about the same across the shoulders, but I'd rather have something loose than tight for this. A tight top will show all the support I need to cram myself into clothes and look like I sort of have a shape. The idea of a shell instead of a tank is, I can take off my jacket if I wish.

I asked for "a plain black shell, the kind that can be worn under a suit" in a few stores, and struck out in each. Not a story ~ if I said "a plain black shell that I can wear under a suit, they'll figure I mean men's suit, since, well, what other type of suit would I wear?

Old Navy was really annoying. They had various combinations of Henley, V, scoop, and crew neck T's. They had long and short sleeves. You could get anything ~ except for a short sleeve scoop which is what I wanted!

$20 was a bit expensive for a t-shirt, but it could have been worse ~ it was marked down from $48, which is probably more than I paid for the suit!

I also got my hair cut and neck waxed. I told the cutter that I wanted my hair neat for an interview and my neck clean for my costume.

She did a good job cropping everything, except a drop of wax got on the front of my shirt somehow. That will never come out. Scratch one shirt. The bad part is, I really like this shirt. The good part is, it wasn't a girl shirt. That would've REALLY made me mad!

My long short list is getting shorter:

* buy a small stuffed Mickey Mouse. I didn't see anything I really wanted at the Disney store, but I may have to settle.
* find everything I need and put it all in one place: suit, bra, panties, hose, shoes (and flats, just in case), cinch, pads, necklace and bracelet and earrings, wig, wig brush, makeup, contacts and contact cleaner, sunglasses, purse.... Is that all? That can't be all!
* call manicurist for an appointment (done ~ it's set for Wednesday) for manicure and eyebrow wax. I'll bring Christine's picture for reference.
* preshave arms, hands, legs, feet, chest. I've started.
* load purse: cash, metro card(s), license, insurance cards, credit cards, glasses case....

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Mardi Gras 2005 ~ The Party's Over

I was still working at the office where I wore my denim skirt about 16 months earlier.

Back at work the following week, I showed this group picture to P, the co-star of that story. I brought the picture up in an envelop because I just wanted her to see it. That's the hostess on the right; E (the woman who didn't recognise me A-Tall) is standing next to her and her boyfriend is cleverly camouflaged between us.

I told her these were the "District 6 Dems at a Mardi Gras party". She said she liked the hostess' hat and I put the picture away. I walked away and then walked back and said "and you didn't pick me out of that picture?"

She looked again and was *shocked* when she figured out who I was. She said she was thinking of asking, "who's that pretty young lady?"

Either my makeup lady is better than I thought or P is a faster thinker than I expected. :)

About a week after the party, the hostess sent me an e-mail saying someone was e-flirting with her & asked for a picture. She sent this group one. He asked which she was and she wrote to me: "should I say I'm the buxom blonde with the basketball player hands?"

I like parts of that description, but not the whole thing. And my hands aren't even IN that picture!

Being dressed in front of my friends (and several strangers) was fun, exhilarating, and less stress on my nervous system than I expected. Melinda helped a lot. She made me feel comfortable and put me in a girly mood and give me confidence. I really needed that.

For the t-girls here, if you have an SO who accepts what you do and helps you be a better woman, cherish her. She's making your life easier. And more fun.

By the way, I had this picture sitting on my desk in two different offices. Almost no-one ever commented on it, which I found odd. Well, at my current office, I have a paper Challenger model on my desk, and one of these and no-one has commented on them either. I think the socks throw them off. :)

The picture below is another guest who couldn't believe I wasn't what I seemed to be and HAD to have a picture. Click either for a larger version.

Mardi Gras 2005 ~ Show Us Your....

No, no-one asked. We're a pretty mellow group. :)

There were about twenty people when I arrived. The hostess, J, opened the door, looked at me and suddenly looked shocked. I said "see? I told you I had nice legs." She laughed and asked what name I wanted on my name tag. She suggested a female variant on my male name, but instead she just put my real name (and voting district) on my tag. She then pointed me at the food and drinks, introduced me to one of the other women there and went off to run her party. I chatted with this woman a bit, and she was the first of three who said "I didn't know you were a guy until you opened your mouth" which is close to nirvana.

While we were chatting, a woman, E, whom I had known for about a year came in. I said, "E just walked in. She's looking around and she looked at me and paused but kept looking." E was still standing by the door, talking to someone I didn't know and she did that twice more. I think she thought "I know her" but she couldn't place me. After about ten minutes I went up to her and she looked at my name tag. I said "you kept looking at me"! She said "well, you looked familiar".

In this blog, I have briefly mentioned that I am a "classic introvert". Lots of people say they're introverts; most are not. I know; I've said I don't like labels and here I am stamping my forehead with one in large block letters.

An extrovert gains energy from crowds and attention. An introvert gains energy from solitude.

Sometimes I can tolerate crowds, but you're more likely to find me away from the group. At a party, I'll spend too much time getting a drink, or food, or focusing on some room decorations because it keeps me away from people. I've had situations where I had to just leave, at least for a while, to regroup. If you put me in front of a hundred people and say "talk about for twenty minutes", I'd be fine. If you put me in a room with a hundred people at a wedding I'll flee at the earliest possible moment.

But at the party, I went up to a few people I didn't know, or barely knew, and said hi and chatted about politics and the food and the nice house and common friends. For at least that night, Meg forget she was an introvert.

My state delegate, C, showed up with his family for a brief visit. My biggest mistake of the evening: not getting a picture of the two of us, with me giving him a hug or putting my arm around him or SOMETHING. Even just standing next to him, or talking to him! Meg has a lot to think about and forgets things like that and regrets them for a long time (at least five years, apparently).

Anyway, C knows me. He knows my name, he knows where I live, and he knows me well enough that when I was at a county inauguration he came in, saw me standing on a balcony two levels up and waved to me. Yes, I was on the balcony to avoid the crowds (see earlier paragraph).

C looked at me. I put out my hand. He shook my hand and looked at my name tag. Then he said loudly, "! You look different during the day!" I told him there was a women's issue that was being debated in Richmond (I forget what it was) and I wanted to make sure he knew which side of the issue I was on.

I told a couple of the women "I almost didn't make it. I was rushing to get ready and I thought 'opaque' meant 'can't see through'. I put on the 'opaque tights' and my hair showed through, so I had to shave my legs. Then I put on the blouse and didn't realise that the sleeves were kind of see-through so I had to shave my arms". I think I was trying to justify this for myself more than anyone else. I "had to" for the costume. I "didn't know" girl things. It's only a costume.

Denial is a deep deep river.

One experience I had that I wouldn't have had if I was just out trying to pass among the civilians: I could make a bit of "girl talk".

I had fun talking to the women about my back hurting from that extra weight and the pain of clip-on earrings (the hostess gave me these purple glitter half-sphere clip-ons to replace mine ~ they were hideous but I dutifully put them on), and other "woman" stuff. E said "you've done this before" and I said, "I always do this when the family's away." I also talked about doing it again the next day and going shopping. Of course, E, like everyone else knows I'm kidding.

It's good to have a reputation as a kidder.

The picture is of me before I left for the party. Click to enlarge.

All On A Mardi Gras Day

It was dark by the time I left my house. Melinda had followed me home from the CVS. She left her car in the driveway and I had put my car was in the garage, to facilitate a stealthy exit. The party was at 7 and about 20 minutes away. Just before 7, I did a pre-flight check.

I made sure my makeup looked good.

I double-checked how my wig sat on my head, how my earrings looked, how the top and skirt fit, how the shoes felt. Did I have my watch? Yes. What am I forgetting?

I made sure everything I needed was in my pocketbook: money, a credit card, driver's license, insurance card, camera, cel phone, tissues, lipstick, powder, liner.

I looked through the garage windows and didn't see my nosy neighbors.

I took a deep breath and got into the car. I opened the garage door, stepped on the gas and crashed the car right into the house.

No I'm kidding. I got on the road with a "I can't believe I'm doing this" feeling. I got on the highway and found J's house without a problem. There were a lot of cars there. I had to park a block or two past it.

I sat for a moment. I thought "this is my Nike moment: Just Do It." I picked up my pocketbook, opened the door, and stepped out. I double-checked that I had my car key, then checked again. I locked the door, tucked the key into my bag caught my skirt in the car door and tore it off.

No, I didn't do that either. That was the last one ~ promise.

I walked down the sidewalk towards the house, sure that the click click click of my heels was loud enough to get everyone in the neighborhood to poke his head out to see what the racket was. I passed a couple of other people getting out of their car, probably heading towards the party. I smiled and nodded and soldiered on.

Mardi Gras 2005 ~ MAKEUP!

As I said yesterday, I received a bunch of responses to my Craigslist request for someone to do my makeup.

1. a guy who said he has a (male) friend who does makeup ~ really not interested! Makeup, pedicures, manicures, massage all have a wonderfully stimulating component if they're done by a nice female. I've even enjoyed back waxing, when done by the right woman.
2. a pro who will do an 8 hour session/lesson/personal shopper for $300 ~ really promising, especially for Sunday. I thought I'd be overloaded by party time though.
3. a pro who said "I don't need the money; can I put you in my portfolio?" ~ this sounded really intriguing! But she had to do this at her house and the timing was wrong.
4. someone who said she was "just good" at makeup and that she'd do a session for $50 at my house but we haven't discussed cost for session/shopping (but she's willing) ~ very possible
5. a "what are you willing to pay?" e-mail ~ I wasn't interested in THAT attitude!
6. someone who was willing to give me some e-mail or phone hints & tips if we can't get together ~ OK, that's nice but I needed "hands on". This was my second public attempt, and I needed help, advice, and someone who could colour inside the lines.

I know there were seven, but I can't find any old e-mails regarding #7.

I was writing to numbers 2 and 4, trying to arrange Saturday and maybe Sunday too. The pro wasn't returning e-mails and I had a good conversation with the other woman. Her name was Melinda. I mention her name because, well, I really like that name.

I was very upfront with everyone. I explained exactly what I wanted to do, and bent over backwards to make sure they'd be comfortable with me. These were among the first people I admitted I was a crossdresser to. I knew that someone is going to have my address, and it's easy to get the homeowner's name, and this could be a big mistake, but adventure is always risky. This isn't skydiving or hitchhiking through Europe, but it is an adventure.

I was having a hard time getting in touch with the pro (#2 above). Melinda was easy to reach and we wrote back-and-forth a bit until I was pretty comfortable with her.

We agreed to meet at a CVS so she could look at my makeup and buy what I was missing (I don't recall if we needed anything). She also wanted to see me before coming to my house. I think she also wanted to look for the I AM AN AX MURDERER tattoo on my forehead. I gave her my cel number, my real name, my business web page (with that same cel phone number on it) so she'd be comfortable that I was what I said I was. I pointed out that I'd probably find some line that would get more responses if I wasn't serious about this.

We met at CVS at 3 for a 7pm party. She noticed I lacked the tattoo so we were good to go.

Before we met, I shaved extra-close and I shaved my upper chest, arms, and legs. This was new. When I write about my first time out, I'll post a picture or two and you'll see I was wearing a high neck blouse, long sleeves, and tights. I shaved my hands, but that was it.

Melinda looked at my clothing choices, wig options, makeup options, jewelry options. She not only helped with my makeup, she combed out a wig or two that she wanted me to try, picked out jewelry, and had me model a couple of outfits.

I did everything Melinda asked. She had final word on makeup, wardrobe, hair. I didn't like her choice of wig, but I didn't argue. I do think this was my only time out with that wig. I forget where I got that one; the wigs I preferred were from Paula Young (mail order). I still hadn't braved the wig shop to buy my own yet.

Some of the makeup ladies let me video their work. Some didn't. I'd have to look through my old tapes to see if Melinda did. That means I need some time when the family is OUT. If I find a video, I'll see about transferring it to the computer.

I didn't have time to eat before the party, but I knew they'd have some party nosh so I wasn't too worried. I had plenty of other things to worry about. At least, going to the ladies' room wasn't among them. :)

I knew a few of my political friends would be there, and I found out that my state representative, who knows me pretty well, would be dropping by on his way to Richmond.

I know I was nervous until I met Melinda. I think once I decide to go forward, an internal calm takes over. I can do my makeup without a trembling hand, my heartrate is normal, it just feels right. It's been like that ever since I started going out. Even that Halloween 18 months earlier, once I decided to change I was calm.

But going out wasn't ensured anyway. I could write off the $50 as an afternoon's entertainment and makeup lesson. Even after she does the makeup and all, I could still wave goodbye and sit at home all evening.

I also knew I wouldn't.

And I didn't.

Mardi Gras 2005 ~ Say Yes to the Dress

I had a red dress I considered a possibility. So far, I had never shaved my arms or legs for a day out so I was looking for something with long sleeves I could wear with tights. I knew I'd have to remove some hair below my neck, but I didn't know how my wife would react to that. So I was looking at my long sleeve red dress, maybe with red tights. I have red pumps, but they're a tad uncomfortable.

I knew nothing about Mardi Gras so I did a bit of research. Purple, green, and gold are THE Mardi Gras colors. Green is good; I'm not sure about gold; and I really like purple. And maybe I could match the purple with a bit of gold. Gold shoes? A gold scarf? Gold jewelry?

I like purple.

I started looking through my closet and thinking about shopping. Again. I wrote to my gg friend S (who knew about Meg):

Can I wear a lavender top with a deep purple skirt? I may not do the pads, wig, etc, and just wear female purple clothes. I don't have purple shoes but I can probably get purple tights. If I can do lavender over purple, should tights be purple or lavender? Or should I just look for lavender up-and-down?

Or.....? I don't know!

The MG colours are green/purple/gold. I'm sure I can wear gold with the purple, but green?

There's lots I don't know.

Like I said yesterday, I agonised over this. That, you may have already figured out, is not atypical of me.

I wrote the above note on Friday February 11.

I was also trying to figure out how to dress without the boys seeing me dress. They're going skiing on Sunday and returning Monday, and the party is Saturday evening. I was also hoping to use my makeup lady for a Meg's Day Out on Sunday, even if I didn't dress for the party. This was going to be the most insanely Meg-intensive couple of days I'd ever spent!

Then on the 14th (the Monday before the party) I got an unexpected Valentine's Day present: my wife told me that she was taking the boys skiing on Saturday, instead of Sunday, and staying through Monday.

Heaven.... I'm in heaven.