A couple of days ago, I was:
- e-mailing Rachel about getting together.
- planning a repeat visit to the UU church this Sunday.
- looking into going to a TGEA meeting next weekend.
- considering joining a local T group for their big 3rd anniversary party.
- prowling meetup for an event Meg might enjoy.
- talking with another friend or two about going out together.
No more. The homeowner e-mailed me. He's flying back on Tuesday, but his daughter will be staying at the house starting tomorrow.
So I can now print up my plans, look at them, sigh, and stick the paper in a shredder.
I got a lot done during my housesitting gig, but not as much as I wanted. My eyes always were larger than my stomach, so to speak.
I brought a lot of reading material and barely scratched the surface. I brought a lot of clothing and am bring back a lot that I haven't tried on yet. I didn't really figure out how much Meg I want in my life, if I was the only one involved. Well, maybe I did. I did not figure out my marriage. Well, again, maybe I did.
I did a lot.
Meg went to therapy, synagogue, and church. I let Meg take over the house, and that was nice and I learned I need more discipline or... she'll take over the house. I learned I need to organise her makeup and jewelry or I'm as much of a mess as always when it's time to go out. I like Stana's tackle box idea for makeup and I was thinking of a multi-draw cabinet or several boxes for jewelry so I can separate and sort necklaces, rings, earrings, bracelets by gold, silver, other. Right now, it's baggies for both.
Maybe I did figure out how much Meg I need at home. I occasionally changed into a top and skirt when home, but not often. Maybe that's right, for me. I enjoyed trying on outfits to see what to keep and what to toss, and learned it becomes a chore after, say, a dozen changes. But it's a trade-off, because there's the overhead of putting on/taking off the undergarments.
Maybe I did figure out my marriage.... As it stands now, it's not good, and I think the current crisis was caused as much by the direction my wife is now taking as it is by me. And it all feels bad.
And last weekend Aeify visited. I learned what it's like to have someone accepting, truly accepting, with me. It was a girl experience I would love to repeat. Short version: we went to DC to sightsee, to see the opening day Batman in IMAX, to a clothing swap, to Old Town Alexandria. I was the happiest I have been in years, and that goes back to what precipitated my "alone time." And I am still reconciling that weekend with my life, marriage, and future. And I couldn't be more confused if I was Gregor Samsa (feel free to look it up).
But my weekend story is for next week. However if you follow that link for Aeify, you'll find her version of events. ;)
(a private note to my late father: Happy birthday, dad. I miss you.)
Showing posts with label housesitting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label housesitting. Show all posts
Friday, July 27, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
No Clue
I have absolutely no idea what the heck I'm doing.
Starting some time this weekend I will be housesitting for my manager. I will also be getting a six week break so I can think and hopefully decide how I can get a derailed life back on track.
My wife doesn't think so.
I spent the time while she was at the beach trying to decide what to bring, Megwise, to the house. On top of everything else, I do plan to be as Meggish as possible when in the house.
The first thing I noticed is, Meg has an awful lot of stuff. I'm bring a lot, but not an awful lot. I want to cull what I have. I want to seriously assess every top, skirt, dress, and pair of shoes to see what works and what doesn't; what fits and what doesn't; what I feel comfortable wearing outside and what I don't. I expect to bring back a lot less clothing than I'm bringing. Goodwill, or the clothing swap will benefit.
I'm a bit concerned about my privacy as well.
This is a neighborhood where the neighbors all seem to know each other and what's going on. They keep an eye on each other. My manager said "if you hear the garage door open, don't worry. It's probably my neighbor. I keep his lawnmower in my garage and he comes in to borrow it back." He also mentioned that his other daughter, who lives in Richmond, may come back for some reason or another. He also said that neighborhood kids cut through his yard as a shortcut, and he's OK with that.
I am not ready to come out at work, so this may all be a problem. Nonetheless, I'm bringing a lot of clothes and I'll be careful bordering on paranoia, and my trips out will be limited. I don't expect to be doing yardwork or sitting on the rear deck in a top and skirt.
Oh... I also have a customer who lives two houses away. I haven't been to her house in about three years, but still....
Maybe all of this is meant to encourage me to spend more time on my relationships and less time on playing dressup. So to speak.
Starting some time this weekend I will be housesitting for my manager. I will also be getting a six week break so I can think and hopefully decide how I can get a derailed life back on track.
My wife doesn't think so.
I spent the time while she was at the beach trying to decide what to bring, Megwise, to the house. On top of everything else, I do plan to be as Meggish as possible when in the house.
The first thing I noticed is, Meg has an awful lot of stuff. I'm bring a lot, but not an awful lot. I want to cull what I have. I want to seriously assess every top, skirt, dress, and pair of shoes to see what works and what doesn't; what fits and what doesn't; what I feel comfortable wearing outside and what I don't. I expect to bring back a lot less clothing than I'm bringing. Goodwill, or the clothing swap will benefit.
I'm a bit concerned about my privacy as well.
This is a neighborhood where the neighbors all seem to know each other and what's going on. They keep an eye on each other. My manager said "if you hear the garage door open, don't worry. It's probably my neighbor. I keep his lawnmower in my garage and he comes in to borrow it back." He also mentioned that his other daughter, who lives in Richmond, may come back for some reason or another. He also said that neighborhood kids cut through his yard as a shortcut, and he's OK with that.
I am not ready to come out at work, so this may all be a problem. Nonetheless, I'm bringing a lot of clothes and I'll be careful bordering on paranoia, and my trips out will be limited. I don't expect to be doing yardwork or sitting on the rear deck in a top and skirt.
Oh... I also have a customer who lives two houses away. I haven't been to her house in about three years, but still....
Maybe all of this is meant to encourage me to spend more time on my relationships and less time on playing dressup. So to speak.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Therapy the Thirteenth
Someone is mistaken. I'm getting a lot of mixed messages.
Monday, I saw an individual therapist, M. Sorry. I keep saying "therapist," as if she's her title. Let me call couples' therapist is A and my new sounding board is M.
I gave M my background, what's troubling me and my marriage right now, and I told her about my wanting a six months "sabbatical" and getting six weeks poured into my lap. Her comment: "yay!"
This is a little different than my wife's reaction. My wife has also been heaping on the guilt by telling me how I am "abandoning" my son and this will ruin his life. M said "well, if you just frame it as a six week housesitting trip, I don't think it'll do any damage."
(note: M suggested that my wife might be projecting the "abandoned" label on my son. That's probably on the mark. She feels each of her parents abandoned her, in different ways, at different times.)
That was my feeling as well, but I'm not very good at people so I try to rely on others for that. The big problem is, I can't rely on my wife because she's a stakeholder here. Mixed messages.
I think I understand what she feels. I don't think she understands what I feel. I think a break will be a literal lifesaver and a probable marriage saver.
The other interesting thing from Monday's session: after I told my tale, she asked if I was an introvert (admitted) and said maybe I can arrange some time alone inside the house, where I can recharge. Then I said "there's one more thing you need to know" and I handed her five pictures of Meg from various venues that I brought along. She looked at the pictures and said "I don't understand why you're showing me these." I was thinking of how to phrase my response and she said "who is this woman?" and I said "me. It's something I like to do." She said "I can see why... you're gorgeous."
We talked a bit about how I have to hide at home and how I can be a bit more open while housesitting and how her time at the beach is often an outlet for me ~ for Meg ~ but not this time because of reasons I told you all yesterday.
Surprisingly, she didn't ask if I planned to transition. Maybe she doesn't know enough to ask. If so, that may be a problem. She admitted to not knowing a lot about gender identity issues. I'm hoping she'll know a bit more before my next visit (which is still about a week away).
She also said that talking about "this" (I don't think she knows what to call it) seemed to make me genuinely happy. I didn't realise there was that big a difference in my demeanour, but I guess I'm not surprised.
One odd moment: I had told her that I have to hide all of this at home (which is why the in-house time-alone won't work well) and she said "how do you feel about hiding this?" Well Duh. But I put it down to therapist reflex. "I bought $20,000 worth of cheese." "How do you feel about spending $20,000 on cheese?"
On Tuesday I saw the couples therapist, A, alone.
I led the discussion. I asked her point-blank what she thought of my six-week plan. She said "I mentioned early on that maybe you need a separation to avoid a separation." I don't remember her saying this; when I recapped with my wife, she did remember. I told A how I felt my life and health were literally in jeopardy, and that I do understand the meaning of the word "literally."
A also agreed that framing this as "six weeks of housesitting" would be fine and not really bother our son. She suggested a "date night" (with my wife, not her) which I had also suggested to my wife. She was lukewarm, but she's also angry. The thought of my behaviour angering someone make me furious [ha ha] but it's really reached a point where I have to move myself to the front of the "care" line and hope I'm forgiven when it all shakes out.
That assumes I'm also doing the right thing. I'm not convinced. I'm also out of ideas.
I also showed her my little stack of photos. She knew who she was looking at; one picture was Meg and a friend and she asked who the friend was; I told her and gave her a bit of background. I also told her that my wife got very upset when I told her I wanted to meet with Rachel for coffee last weekend. I would not be dressed and Rachel is transitioning. To her, I'm "having coffee with a woman" which is a big hooray! for Rachel, but kind of incomprehensible to me.
Oh... A also pronounced me "pretty" and mentioned a couple of pictures she really liked. One accompanies this post. Until I looked at the pictures myself, I didn't realise I was in four different states for those five photos!
Friday, we meet with A again, ostensibly to discuss telling my son about my time out. No, I haven't told him yet, at my wife's request/demand. She said "not before school ends so he can focus on his work" and "not before vacation so he can enjoy it" and then her plan was to keep him away until I was out of the house. When was I supposed to tell him? Beats me. But she also said she's not going to do it ~ it's up to me.
Yes, she makes this easier and easier. Yes, I am being sarcastic.
Monday, I saw an individual therapist, M. Sorry. I keep saying "therapist," as if she's her title. Let me call couples' therapist is A and my new sounding board is M.
 |
| Pretty? Wow. March, 2008, one of my first solo outings |
This is a little different than my wife's reaction. My wife has also been heaping on the guilt by telling me how I am "abandoning" my son and this will ruin his life. M said "well, if you just frame it as a six week housesitting trip, I don't think it'll do any damage."
(note: M suggested that my wife might be projecting the "abandoned" label on my son. That's probably on the mark. She feels each of her parents abandoned her, in different ways, at different times.)
That was my feeling as well, but I'm not very good at people so I try to rely on others for that. The big problem is, I can't rely on my wife because she's a stakeholder here. Mixed messages.
I think I understand what she feels. I don't think she understands what I feel. I think a break will be a literal lifesaver and a probable marriage saver.
The other interesting thing from Monday's session: after I told my tale, she asked if I was an introvert (admitted) and said maybe I can arrange some time alone inside the house, where I can recharge. Then I said "there's one more thing you need to know" and I handed her five pictures of Meg from various venues that I brought along. She looked at the pictures and said "I don't understand why you're showing me these." I was thinking of how to phrase my response and she said "who is this woman?" and I said "me. It's something I like to do." She said "I can see why... you're gorgeous."
We talked a bit about how I have to hide at home and how I can be a bit more open while housesitting and how her time at the beach is often an outlet for me ~ for Meg ~ but not this time because of reasons I told you all yesterday.
Surprisingly, she didn't ask if I planned to transition. Maybe she doesn't know enough to ask. If so, that may be a problem. She admitted to not knowing a lot about gender identity issues. I'm hoping she'll know a bit more before my next visit (which is still about a week away).
She also said that talking about "this" (I don't think she knows what to call it) seemed to make me genuinely happy. I didn't realise there was that big a difference in my demeanour, but I guess I'm not surprised.
One odd moment: I had told her that I have to hide all of this at home (which is why the in-house time-alone won't work well) and she said "how do you feel about hiding this?" Well Duh. But I put it down to therapist reflex. "I bought $20,000 worth of cheese." "How do you feel about spending $20,000 on cheese?"
On Tuesday I saw the couples therapist, A, alone.
I led the discussion. I asked her point-blank what she thought of my six-week plan. She said "I mentioned early on that maybe you need a separation to avoid a separation." I don't remember her saying this; when I recapped with my wife, she did remember. I told A how I felt my life and health were literally in jeopardy, and that I do understand the meaning of the word "literally."
A also agreed that framing this as "six weeks of housesitting" would be fine and not really bother our son. She suggested a "date night" (with my wife, not her) which I had also suggested to my wife. She was lukewarm, but she's also angry. The thought of my behaviour angering someone make me furious [ha ha] but it's really reached a point where I have to move myself to the front of the "care" line and hope I'm forgiven when it all shakes out.
That assumes I'm also doing the right thing. I'm not convinced. I'm also out of ideas.
I also showed her my little stack of photos. She knew who she was looking at; one picture was Meg and a friend and she asked who the friend was; I told her and gave her a bit of background. I also told her that my wife got very upset when I told her I wanted to meet with Rachel for coffee last weekend. I would not be dressed and Rachel is transitioning. To her, I'm "having coffee with a woman" which is a big hooray! for Rachel, but kind of incomprehensible to me.
Oh... A also pronounced me "pretty" and mentioned a couple of pictures she really liked. One accompanies this post. Until I looked at the pictures myself, I didn't realise I was in four different states for those five photos!
Friday, we meet with A again, ostensibly to discuss telling my son about my time out. No, I haven't told him yet, at my wife's request/demand. She said "not before school ends so he can focus on his work" and "not before vacation so he can enjoy it" and then her plan was to keep him away until I was out of the house. When was I supposed to tell him? Beats me. But she also said she's not going to do it ~ it's up to me.
Yes, she makes this easier and easier. Yes, I am being sarcastic.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Lots Going On Here
As I mentioned yesterday, two things are happening:
* my wife and son are at the beach until Thursday, and
* I'll be housesitting for six weeks starting this weekend.
There's also a third thing: I decided I needed to talk to someone on my own so for the first time ever I took advantage of our company EAP and contacted a therapist. (EAP is "employee assistance program" and they supply limited visits with therapists or lawyers, depending on what sort of problems you have). Our first meeting was Monday; my regular "couples" session was just me, on Tuesday. Yes, I feel like I should be in a lot worse shape to have two therapists in back-to-back sessions.
I'll focus on my current "free days" and a bit of t-packing today. I'll cover both therapy sessions tomorrow, and talk more about the housesitting and prep on Friday.
The beach
As I also mentioned, this is usually a Meg event. My wife takes our son(s) to the beach a couple of times each summer. This is her vacation; she takes a friend and her son(s) and the boys entertain each other while the moms have some girl time.
I usually take one or two days off and Meg goes out. It's usually a shopping day. Lately, I've been less interested in shopping and more interested in doing something or meeting someone.... Someone from the community, I mean. I'm not stepping out on my wife as Meg.
But I'm still in I-can't-wear-most-shoes mode. I'm wearing sandals to work. With socks, to make them a tad less noticeable (note: girl socks are thinner than boy socks. It's kind of noticeable in sandals). For the record, my sandals are girl sandals.
And I have nowhere special to go. And I don't have vacation time built up. And I need to suck my manager's brain dry before he heads to Colorado.
T-packing
So my evenings are spent getting ready.
I've ripped my closet apart. My initial thought was, bring everything Meg, but now I'm not so sure. There's a lot of stuff, and I do have other things to do while away, in addition to playing with clothes! First and foremost, figure out how to bring myself back to life so when I get home I'll be a better and happier spouse and father and human.
So I'm thinking, I probably have almost 50 EACH of dresses, tops, skirts. I'll be gone for 42 days.
Should I limit myself to "likely outfits?" Should I bring some things I know won't work or won't fit, with plans to get rid of them (a clothing swap is coming up)? Should I bring all in the expectation that I'll shave everything well enough/close enough to wear even sleeveless outfits?
I have to choose among panties, socks, hose, shoes, tops, skirts, dresses, camis, bras.... I think for makeup and jewelry I'll bring all and have a "sorting night" when I decide what to keep/what to toss. My jewelry is mostly junk; I don't spend a lot of money on myself. Some of my makeup is rather old.
Here's what I'm thinking, and I'd love your input on each:
* panties: bring all. I generally change at night, after my shower. I can put on a "questionable" pair and if I don't like them in the morning, change and toss
* socks: bring all. I can toss what doesn't feel right or is torn either before or after work
hose: bring nude/taupe. No black hose or tights for the summer. I may bring a pair of suspenders and stockings
* shoes: bring all. Try a pair a day, for at least an hour of standing a day, and get rid (swap) of the ones that are too uncomfortable
* bras: I'm really of three minds: (a) bring 3-4 I really like only, (b) add 3-4 that are iffy, (c) bring all?
* camis: bring all. I need to sort by "good for girl" and "good for boy" and "good for either." Higher neck = * girl, lower neck = boy
* tops, skirts, dresses: I'm really not sure.
HELP ME! I want to pack everything into boxes later today.
* my wife and son are at the beach until Thursday, and
* I'll be housesitting for six weeks starting this weekend.
There's also a third thing: I decided I needed to talk to someone on my own so for the first time ever I took advantage of our company EAP and contacted a therapist. (EAP is "employee assistance program" and they supply limited visits with therapists or lawyers, depending on what sort of problems you have). Our first meeting was Monday; my regular "couples" session was just me, on Tuesday. Yes, I feel like I should be in a lot worse shape to have two therapists in back-to-back sessions.
I'll focus on my current "free days" and a bit of t-packing today. I'll cover both therapy sessions tomorrow, and talk more about the housesitting and prep on Friday.
The beach
As I also mentioned, this is usually a Meg event. My wife takes our son(s) to the beach a couple of times each summer. This is her vacation; she takes a friend and her son(s) and the boys entertain each other while the moms have some girl time.
I usually take one or two days off and Meg goes out. It's usually a shopping day. Lately, I've been less interested in shopping and more interested in doing something or meeting someone.... Someone from the community, I mean. I'm not stepping out on my wife as Meg.
But I'm still in I-can't-wear-most-shoes mode. I'm wearing sandals to work. With socks, to make them a tad less noticeable (note: girl socks are thinner than boy socks. It's kind of noticeable in sandals). For the record, my sandals are girl sandals.
And I have nowhere special to go. And I don't have vacation time built up. And I need to suck my manager's brain dry before he heads to Colorado.
T-packing
So my evenings are spent getting ready.
I've ripped my closet apart. My initial thought was, bring everything Meg, but now I'm not so sure. There's a lot of stuff, and I do have other things to do while away, in addition to playing with clothes! First and foremost, figure out how to bring myself back to life so when I get home I'll be a better and happier spouse and father and human.
So I'm thinking, I probably have almost 50 EACH of dresses, tops, skirts. I'll be gone for 42 days.
Should I limit myself to "likely outfits?" Should I bring some things I know won't work or won't fit, with plans to get rid of them (a clothing swap is coming up)? Should I bring all in the expectation that I'll shave everything well enough/close enough to wear even sleeveless outfits?
I have to choose among panties, socks, hose, shoes, tops, skirts, dresses, camis, bras.... I think for makeup and jewelry I'll bring all and have a "sorting night" when I decide what to keep/what to toss. My jewelry is mostly junk; I don't spend a lot of money on myself. Some of my makeup is rather old.
Here's what I'm thinking, and I'd love your input on each:
* panties: bring all. I generally change at night, after my shower. I can put on a "questionable" pair and if I don't like them in the morning, change and toss
* socks: bring all. I can toss what doesn't feel right or is torn either before or after work
hose: bring nude/taupe. No black hose or tights for the summer. I may bring a pair of suspenders and stockings
* shoes: bring all. Try a pair a day, for at least an hour of standing a day, and get rid (swap) of the ones that are too uncomfortable
* bras: I'm really of three minds: (a) bring 3-4 I really like only, (b) add 3-4 that are iffy, (c) bring all?
* camis: bring all. I need to sort by "good for girl" and "good for boy" and "good for either." Higher neck = * girl, lower neck = boy
* tops, skirts, dresses: I'm really not sure.
HELP ME! I want to pack everything into boxes later today.
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