Friday, November 9, 2012

This Will Be Controversial

Many of you know Aeify.  She was Penny Perfect's wife.

A year ago this weekend, Penny... disappeared.  She was (in male mode) travelling from TN to AL and never arrived at her destination.  I had some very limited contact with Aeify up to that point, but she sent me a frantic e-mail asking when I had last heard from Penny and she explained what was going on.

The next afternoon, the police located Penny.  I didn't ask for details ~ it wasn't really my business.  I had e-mailed Penny a lot, and I was planning on being in TN in the early summer and hoped we could meet.  I was quite envious of Penny ~ I knew Aeify was a wife who not only accepted Penny, but encouraged her and enjoyed her company.

Near the end of November, Aeify sent me an e-mail saying she had something to tell me and it couldn't be through e-mail.  I should call her up.

I knew why.  I hesitated for a couple of days, then called her from work.

Penny had taken her life.

Aeify and I cried on the phone a bit.  I had to hang up.  I felt terrible, I felt terrible for her.

A couple of weeks later, a friend of Aeify's decided she needed a change of scene and he packed her up and drove her to DC.  I met her for breakfast and a walk and a talk.  I was in drab, but I felt it was important to let her talk about what happened to someone who knew about, and maybe understood, the Penny side of her husband.  Most of their friends, of course, knew nothing about this.

It was like we were old friends.

Aeify, to that point, was not much of a traveller.  She lived almost on the Mississippi River, but she hardly ever crossed it.  She had flown one time.  I had one of my periodic trips to Sierra Vista planned, and I planned to stay an extra day in Tucson so I could meet with some of my t-friends (and Liz).  Aeify decided to come and join me.  She booked a flight and a room and we spent Friday night through Sunday morning visiting friends, shopping, dining ~ mostly as Meg, but some in drab.

There's no denying that we both had a great time.

Now it's a year after Penny took her life.  Aeify has wanted to get out of the house where she died before a year is up.  She didn't want to stay in Memphis (I can't understand why!) and one of her choices was near where I live.

Sunday, she's moving to northern VA.  I have a two-bedroom, two-bath apartment.  I had hoped to find someone to share rent and not mind how I dressed around the house.

Aeify will be my new roommate.

I know what you're thinking.  Please calm down.

The boys are OK.  My wife is... well, I don't know what she is.  Her words and actions are contradictory.  My fifteen year old told me "mom thinks it's 'abnormal' for a married man to share an apartment with a single woman."  I asked what he thought and he said "mom also thinks it's 'abnormal' for a boy my age to have a messy room."

I don't know how this will play out.  I do know one thing:

Since I told my wife I was moving out, she never once ~ not once ~ asked me to stay.  I think that's sad.  And it's a lingering sadness for me.


  1. Meg,
    I think or at least hope, that 'controversial' is the wrong word or concept for what you will be doing.

    I think a more appropriate word or concept is an O'Henry type of irony.

    I seem to recall that your wife was a therapist/counsellor. I am not sure if you ever mentioned if she was a psychologist, CSW or whatever but from what little I know about therapy it would seem that the therapist needs to keep an open mind as well as open ears about all issues. It would appear that your wife, like the wives of many of us, had a hard time keeping an open mind about Meg. That seems to be a sadly accurate truism.

    The irony is that Aeify may serve as a better counsellor or therapist than your wife. Aeify, has always seemed to me to be a person with an open mind and an open set of ears. She is a loving and happy person who naturally feels empathy towards others.

    It is sad that a trained therapist would consider CD activity as 'abnormal' or that she would use that term to describe your new roommate. Would she consider it abnormal if I were to be your new roommate? The irony is that Aeify does not find you or the roommate issue to be abnormal.

    From my readings I am of the opinion that both you and Aeify are considerate and thoughtful people. Just because she is a single woman is no reason you two cannot be roommates and I wish you both peace, honor, dignity and happiness.


    PS: having the ability to be Meg and to have a good friend who is a girl that accepts Meg could be a bonus.

  2. Meg -

    Your last paragraph says it all.... If your wife has contradictory feelings, it's her problem. You're dealing with your own grief in relation to the marriage.

    Yes, Aeify being a roommate is a complication. But she's a good friend. I have a female friend who loves her husband very much, but made me this offer: If she outlives her husband, that we should pool our resources and live as sisters. We both like to travel, eat out, go to the theater, etc.... So she asks - why not have a living arrangement which suits our needs? Right now, you could use a roommate. And that roommate happens to be female - and nothing more than that. But yes, it is a complication....


  3. CONGRATULATIONS! I had a feeling when you spoke of a roommate this was coming. It's time for you to enjoy your lifestyle, with someone who understands you fully. Aeify is truely "perfect" for you! I know you will have fabulous and exciting times together. I'm sending very happy wonderful thoughts your way! and hugs! karen

  4. It is always depressing hearing stories like this because it makes me look at myself. There have been so many things I've dealt with, even coming out as trans, that have made me want to take my own life... but there are those times I am actually afraid I'm going to do it because sometimes I don't want to go on any further. :(

    1. julie from what i have heard and read these are common feelings of those who are transitioning ( that of both depression and suicide. with the right therapist you can work through it and become the person you feel you truly are. i know because my cousen has had the depression issues before transitioning and since she transitioned she feels like she has aligned everything within her to feel complete. but each person must come to their own conclussion about themselves. good luck with your journey.

  5. Julie, drop me a note.

  6. I see no controversy here Meg. I rather think that having a little company will help normalize all the change. It is a good thing to have someone caring about what time you are coming home, and it is good to look forward to having company when you get there.

    Don't make the freight any heavier than it is. You are blessed with a great and loving friend. How can this be a bad thing?

    Please give Aeify a big hug for me, would you?

  7. Petra thank you ~ she couldn't argue when I said it was from you. :)

  8. Aww... I remember this sad event from you, Meg.
    I'm glad she will be coming up to DC. I'm hoping everything else smooths out, especially with the children. Take care, both of you,
    Hugs, Sara

  9. i think your son summed it up verrry nicely. LOL
    good for you to make up your own mind on the new roommate!


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