Thursday, April 19, 2012

Therapy the Sixth

No T in the discussion at all.  But with each session I'm less optimistic about the future of my marriage.

I know, that's not the focus of this blog, but that future has a huge impact on Meg's future.

It is possible that I'll be in a situation where Meg can go out more, be herself more, not hide in her own house, but every silver lining has a cloud.  Whether I'll be happier or sadder, or sadder then happier, I don't know.  I'm jumping into uncharted territory.

I am very Newtonian in my behaviour ("a body in motion tends to remain in motion, unless acted upon by outside forces").  I once read a series of books as they were released ~ I was well into the 20s before it occurred to me that book 7 was the last good one and I finally stopped.  I have stayed at jobs long after the other rats saw the writing on the wall and jumped ship.  I lived in eight different places over my entire life ~ one for the first 21 years, one for the last 22.  I will do the same procedure every day before I finally think "there has to be a better way" and I'll speed it up.

I always thought of marriage as forever.  Therapy seems to be an outside force here, and I'm very concerned.

In my informal chats with friends I've made on-line and in person, I have come to realise that there are three reasons t-marriages end, most common to least common:
* the wife can't tolerate the t-behaviour and initiates the divorce.
* nothing to do with t at all.* the husband wants a more tolerant partner and initiates the divorce.

Except I think "nothing to do with t" is a lie.  I think even if both parties say "nothing to do with t," it's still the elephant in the room.  Paradoxically, I think I'd fall into the "nothing to do with."  No, I can't explain.

I'm speculating, thinking out options, looking at things I never thought about before.  I don't know what is happening right now and where I'll be in a year ~ or even six or three or two months.  As I said, uncharted waters.

And if anyone has any advice, please share.  Send a comment with private if you don't want it posted but want to stay anonymous.  Or drop me a note at

And I'm wondering if I should be writing about this at all in my t-blog.  But if you hung around so far, thank you for reading.


  1. Is the lack of T in the discussions because you're letting your wife and/or the therapist take the lead in the sessions? If you want to talk about T I think you need to speak up. It IS the elephant in the room and if both your wife and the therapist are ignoring/avoiding it, you need to find out why.

  2. Meg,
    You need to talk with someone who is YOUR advocate and counselor. Your wife found this therapist and you have been brought in to her process, and that has pluses. But you need to have someone for your needs. Someone who has T experience would be good, but someone who listens would be great.

  3. Marriage, especially a long term one with children involved, is more than a casual commitment. I tend to agree with the 'Newtonian concept' even though I had not thought in those terms perviously. Often it is easier to just 'keep on keeping on' then it is to move on to the next unknown chapter.
    'T' will always be the elephant in the room but it should not be the reason to separate or the reason to stay together. Being 'T' is a part of who you are...just like every other aspect of your personna.
    If you wife, as a professional therapist, has pushed you into therapy, she may have her motives and ideas and she was looking for 'professional support'.
    Good luck. Your happiness is in our thoughts.

  4. Meg, I think the question you have to ask yourself is " why your wife wants to end your marriage?' Its seems you want to hold it together & she may want to end it. What is going on in her life?

  5. I think you need to share as much as you want to share on your blog. There are many of us who face the same issues you face (me for one). To say that there is "no T in the discussion at all" is not accurate. T issues are who you are.

  6. I have followed your blog for almost 2 years now. I feel I know you well enough to know that Meg is not going to go away or stop. There is no going back in time to before Meg. It seem as though your wife didn’t mind you as Chirstine but, doesn’t want Meg. Like Scaleman above, your future life MUST include your happiness and allow some of Meg. You may need to decide the future YOU with understanding that somethings present will not stay or continue. Meg seems to infulence you in your daily life (lip gloss etc,.)Maybe you should ask Meg, "Do WE want to hide the rest of OUR lives?"

  7. It is very difficult to have a blog that only reflects one aspect of your life, I have found that although I wanted to have a fairly light hearted reflection of Paula's adventures the rest of my life affects that and Paula affects the rest of my life, my work and my marriage.

    I am slowly coming to the conclusion that two people need to decide to make a marriage work, but one can stop it working. I am by no means the best person to be giving advice since we have been shunning any opportunity to discuss our issues, but it seems too me that you guys need to decide what you want, and then how to achieve that together, if possible. Separation should always be the last resort.
    I sincerly wish you the best and will keep you in my prayers

  8. Meg, although my wife and I have difficulties that aren't directly related to the T component, it's still an important source of tension. When we have a disagreement or are tired or angry, it's one more thing to deal with (even if we're not dealing with "it").

    We've been through several sessions with different counselors. The good thing is that it forced us to talk about issues that we might rather have pushed under the rug. The bad thing is it led to some very difficult times as we confronted those issues.

    I hope you know that if you choose to explore other areas of your life in your blog that are not directly related to Meg, your many friends would fully support you. In any case, one of the great things about having a blog is you get to decide what to write.

    I wish all the best for both you and your wife.

  9. This therapy thing scares the pants off me. Maybe it's a cultural thing, but I have a deep suspicion of professionals of all kinds, especially as I am one.

    If you take your car to be fixed and they tell you the engine needs to be replaced, or they can't repair the seats and how about this new one we have over here, you'd hear alarm bells.

    No professional counsellor is going to send you away and tell you that you are normal and need to get on with life. No, they want to keep you in that chair and paying the fees.

    Sorry if this sounds negative, but I fear you are being suckered and it pains me. Like the car repair workshop, they walk away and leave you to live with the consequences of their work.

    All the best,


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