Monday, March 24, 2014

I'm Confused

and I've been confused for a while.  I had a poll many weeks ago:

Would you meet someone who only knew you en femme when in drab?

The results really threw me.

20% said Yes, if s/he's trans too.  I can see this.  It's the equivalent of "I can't go to a gay bar!  What if someone sees me there?"  Well, you see them too.  It's an even exchange.  It would be like my going to one of the trans soirees in drab.

5% said No.  I can understand this too.  "You know me as a girl.  Why would I want you to meet me any other way?"  I am mostly like this.

7% said Yes, if s/he's a civilian only.  This started my confusion.  It would be the equivalent to me going to the civilian game night in drab.  Now, there are a few people who met Meg and I then introduced them to my male self.  Kim from the clothing swap.  Her co-organiser (who's trans).  Some of the people in the trans-friendly game days.  But mostly no.  I will not be going to the civilian game night in drab, for instance.  There are times I might go to the same place in both modes, but they would be places, not people, if you know what I mean.

But here's what threw me completely:

 67% unqualified yes.  That means basically coming out to anyone who knows only your female side as a male.  Going to MAC and buying makeup and chatting with the saleslady and then coming back the next week and saying "remember that girl who talked to you about this and bought that?  That's me."  Or just showing up at either game night or the soiree in drab.

Now, it's far different from coming out to family, co-workers, and so on.  I'm talking about people who have only met your female side to date.  They might not even acknowledge that you're not what you appear (I always assume they know).

Did I phrase that question poorly?  Or are two thirds of you comfortable with letting anyone who knows you as female meet you as male?

Please explain this to me.  Comments (mark private and I won't post them), or e-mail me.

I'm gobsmacked, to use a word I never thought I'd ever use.


  1. I'd describe it as progression with growth. I fit into the "unqualified yes" category now, but in about 1995, I would have been in the "No" category, because I wasn't out at all.

    Somewhere around 2001, when I was frequently going to "private" meetings of the Seahorse Society 2 hours from home, I moved to the "yes, if s/he is trans too", because some of the others would change on the way in and out of meetings, and I changed once on the way out of a meeting.

    Once I got my ears pierced, I assumed that people would be able to figure it out. I then went on to grow my hair out and epilate facial hair, and a few years ago began having my nails long and painted all the time. Having reached the point of assuming that people could figure it out, I saw no reason to hide.

    Add in abandoning wigs in favour of my own hair a few years ago, and I don't see much sense in trying to maintain an artificial distinction that has shrunk as my male and female presentations have become more and more like each other. People who know me en femme generally have little difficulty recognising me et homme unless they have created a psychological barrier that prevents them from seeing me as the opposite gender.

    I'm the same person, regardless of presentation. In many ways, I'm tempted to dump my female name and either use an abbreviation that fits both my male and female names, or simply use my male name all of the time.

  2. I am befuddled, to use the word I never thought I would use.
    Interesting question, I got a question for you.
    Would you meet someone while dressed as a woman,
    That only knows you in drab???


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