Thursday, October 11, 2012

Moving Out

(Since I was doing "Therapy Thursday," I thought I'd continue with my non-t life on Thursday.  If you're looking for t-content, there is only a smidgen at the end.)
The movers are coming tomorrow, so I'll probably be off the air for a day.
The whole experience has been very humbling.  I feel like a failure moving out.  I mean, I should be able to make something work, given almost twenty-five years to make it work.
And now that I've decided it may be time to move on, I'm getting confirmation from odd and diverse people.  
I told a couple of (male) friends ~ both responded with "congratulations."

I told a good female friend and she was nothing but encouraging.  In fact, I adapted this post from an e-mail I sent her earlier this week.

My wife told my sister we were having problems, and my sister called to suggest that, if I'm moving out, I shouldn't tell my mother.  I asked my wife "why would she say that?" and she admitted telling me that she told my sister I'm getting an apartment.  She said it like "of course I told you that."  I told her what my sister said about keeping it a secret and my wife said "that makes sense.  It'll kill your mother."  After we told the kids, I told her I'd tell my mother when I called because I don't want the boys to have to keep secrets.  She said "you should tell her."  I said "I thought you didn't want me to."  She said "I never said that."  I said "you said 'it'd kill her.'"  She admitted to that, but said "that doesn't mean you shouldn't tell her."  Doesn't it now?  It either means "don't tell her" or "dibs on the silverware."
I couldn't tell the kids at home because "they'd always remember where they were" when I said "we're having a trial separation?"  Really?  Give me a break.  We went to IHOP and I told them there.  She had to be present to make sure I didn't say "good luck with the nut" or something.  (For the record, I am very careful with what I say to the boys.  The prime directive is NO dissing.) 
My oldest and I went into DC to see Stephan Pastis (he's a big fan).  (I reminded myu wife in the morning that we were going and she said "he may not want to go."  Right again.)  On the drive into DC, I asked if he and his brother talked about the little bombshell ~ he said no.  I asked what he thought and he said "I expected this for at least 3 or 4 years now."
My mother's reaction: "I expected this for a long time."  AND she asked if I had a girlfriend.  I told her I'm getting a new stick because I broke the old one beating the ladies off. :D
I think I was the last person to know.  I should have done my sabbatical ten years ago, but then my oldest boy would have been 9 and it would have broken his heart.  He was always sensitive, and always my boy.  I remember when he was six or so and everyone came to the airport to see me off.  When he realised I was getting on a plane and he wasn't, he burst into tears.  I was so touched I almost didn't go.

 I've moved a ton of stuff, and a mover will move the rest of the boxes and some furniture.  My wife all but insisted I take the living room set (probably so she can buy another set).  I'll buy a bedroom set.  FiOS is in.  I need to get to another furniture store (I want to check 3).  I can get a serviceable bedroom set for about the price of twenty-five dresses.  I my stay through Saturday, because my son likes my Saturday breakfast and we can have Friday night dinner (we do some Jewish rituals) together.

I expect to be wearing skirts more than slacks in the apartment.  Even if I'm not dressed fully, I plan to dress comfortably.  And for me, comfortable means a skirt and a pretty top.


  1. Be aware that you may get visits from your neighbors at the apartment ("welcome to the building", "this package came while you were out," etc.) and be prepared to explain your dressing style.

  2. Meg -

    I could give the usual words of encouragement ("it'll be all right", etc.). But that won't help as much as anyone would like. You're going through a lot, and thankfully, you have a network of people who will help you see this through. And hopefully, you'll soon see the light at the end of the tunnel....

    With that being said, I'd like to focus on your last paragraph, where you note that you expect to be wearing skirts more than slacks in the apartment. I think you'll be happier when you can do this, and it will be a relief for you that you can finally be comfortable in how you live in your own space....

    Hoping that things get better as quick as possible....


  3. Dear Meg

    Over the years that I have been following and commenting on your blog I have come to admire many things about you, among them your ability to write in a clear and engaging fashion. As with reading all good writers one sometimes needs to 'read between the lines'. I hope I am not being too forward with these comments but it has always been clear that your love for your children is deep and unconditional. I have not felt the same regarding your feelings towards your wife. I even feel the love that you have for your mother, your sister and even some of your friends has been greater than your feelings toward your wife.

    It also seems as if your wife has seen you more for what you do and what you symbolize and what you can provide to her and how what you do and how you do it impacts her than who you are and what needs and desires you may have. I do not sense deep love from you towards her and I do not sense much love of you by her at all. That is not a good mix to keep a marriage together.

    It seems as if you have tried hard to make things work and that part of you is deeply saddened by the realization that this two decade work in progress could not reach its originally planned conclusion.

    Please feel good about your joint success in raising good and wonderful children and please remember that no matter what path you take or how your marriage goes that you will always be their parent.

    Best of luck as these life pages get turned and things move forward.


  4. I'm sorry Meg. You tried so hard with different things and ideas.. just seems the lure, appeal, that brought you both together has disappeared. It's good that your friends and your sons understand the break-up is mutual and with luck you both try to stay positive and respect you individual lives. Hopefully if either of you speak of your marriage it becomes "it just didn't work out"

  5. for your sake i am sorry it came to this but i can see you have given it your best.
    i wish you much luck in your new apartment.
    at least you will be able to dress comfortably.
    my neighbor is going through the same (accept he is not transgendered) and it is hard as a neighbor to sit on the sidelines and watch this take place to a guy who is a good provider for his family and been handy enough to fix up the house. he has been an asset to the neighborhood always helping a neighbor in need. actually we all want to keep him (even if she moved elsewhere or they just stayed at opposite sides of the house.) but their marriage without her affection or emotion has been dead for several years.
    so i wish you well.
    just take it one day at a time.

    also i shared my being transgendered one at a time with each of my long time neighbors and shared a non risque photo of me so that they wouldn't wonder. their reaction to my face has been verrrry nonchalant.


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