Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Therapies Are Made of This

The couples' therapist will be away for a couple of weeks.  My wife has come up with ideas that make the therapist and I look at each other in wonderment.  And that's not my imagination.  I've asked the therapist "do you understand this?" and she shakes her head and asks my wife what she means.  The explanation is usually not better than the original statement.

Last week's session started with her apologising for me.  I still don't know what for.  She said she "knows who we are" and related what she said was a pre-creation story.  I think she think she's God and I'm Satan (she called me her "worthy adversary."  She wants to spend her life with her adversary?  I'm confused.)

The previous week she told me that "I won."  She figured out that 'imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" and I'm a better-looking girl than she is (I won't comment on that!).  So I won.  I pointed out that many of my community friends (you ladies) agree that we hold women in high regard, but that only "proved her point."

These insights are not just limited to the sessions.  I get tired of asking her what she means at home now.

A recent example: I had a dream in which I was supposed to get on a boat.  There were a lot of people that I knew (in the dream) who were getting on the boat as well.  I got sidetracked and although I had plenty of time the boat left and when I awoke I knew that it meant I shouldn't "miss the boat."  I just kind of knew this.  What the boat was, I have no idea.  I told my wife and a day or so later, after thinking about it, she said "I wouldn't let you miss the boat."  I didn't ask what that meant, since I still didn't know what the boat was.

I finished my last (that is, last free) private session last week.  We spoke briefly about me continuing and I said "why?"  She said "I don't think you need it.  You seem like you've made a decision.  And even though you're uncomfortable with the future direction, well, we all are when we make major decisions."  We agreed I could always call if my situation changes and I need to talk.  But I think talking with my friends has helped too, and she's right.

I've been looking at apartments.

I'm still not happy.


  1. I just wanted to comment on "She figured out that 'imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" and I'm a better-looking girl than she is " My wife has always had extremely low self esteem no matter what I do to build her up (for 41 years today). My wanting to be female has nothing to do with being better than her. That's only her low self-esteem talking. No way could I ever be a better female than her. I'm not asking for a competition. I'm asking for a sister, a friend who will stick by me and help me, guide me thru this morass. I guess it's the highly unusual woman who will embrace the fact that her man wants to be like her rather than recoil with revulsion and become defensive. My heart goes out to you, Meg. Allison

  2. Meg,
    It just does not seem like a happy situation. You are not happy and clearly your wife is not happy.

    It seems that she is looking to affix all blame for her being unhappy on you. That may work in some situations but with you I do not see it as working for the simple fact that at your core you are inherently a nice person...a good soul. You are struggling to preserve some sembelance of a happy family. It may work ~ perhaps not.

    You find yourself repeatedly asking her what she means with some of her statements. My guess is that she has no idea what she means or what it may be that she wants, and lacking any clear vision of the future she simply wants to strike out to hurt you since she seems to be blaming you for being the source of her pain.

    I am no shrink but it seems that being able to talk about issues that concern you to people you trust is important. I think it was good that you were able to discuss at least some mattters with your friends but I suspect that it is even better for you to have this blog forum where there is a community of people who have similar issues and who like you simply for being the good honest person that you are.

    Good luck.

  3. Meg -

    Looking at apartments. That's the kind of step which can trigger a set of falling dominoes. And who knows where that will lead?

    With that being said, it seems as if your wife has forced you into your decision. Like me, you are exploring a side of your personality, your core being, which can no longer be suppressed. And your wife is afraid. She is afraid of what this means for you, and she is afraid for what it means for her. This is sad.... But we live in a culture where gender identity and presentation are strongly attached to who we are as individuals.

    I hope for you that there is still room in your relationship to maneuver and to repair the cracks in the relationship. There are others on the web who have gone through much more - and are still in healthy relationships. But it took a lot of soul searching - something which is hard for us even when living vanilla life styles.

    Good luck.....



My day is brighter when I hear from my friends!