Monday, December 20, 2010

If Passing Isn't It...

Accepting yourself as you are, as you appear, is.  That's the crossdresser's holy grail.

If you're a secret dresser, waiting until the house is empty and pulling the shades, you'll probably decide that's not enough at some point.  You'll probably go out, either underdressing or wearing women's clothes that passes for men's, or fully dressed.  I don't know.  It's your journey, and I'm never sure what mine is so I won't even pretend to know yours.

If you're going out, you might get anywhere from nervous to terrified when you step out your front door.  You might look at everyone around you, wondering what they think of you, if they know you're really a guy, if they're going to react to that, either violently or loudly.  I'm somewhere in there.

Or maybe you step out the door and go about your (female) day, even if it is only once a month or twice a year.  Even if it is only grocery shopping or to take a walk in the park or go bowling (remember to ask for a women's shoe size!) or church (why not?) or a transgender support group meeting.

But you go out and it's just the same as if you were wearing a tie and wingtips.

When you do that, when walking out that door in a skirt and makeup is just... natural, two things have happened:
* you have defined yourself.  You are not being defined by others..
* you are passing better.  Confidence is a big part of the game.

And you've reached the real holy grail: peace with yourself, peace with who you are, peace with who you want to be.

I also think this is another reason some men think they've gone from transvestite to transsexual.  I believe they think they're transvestites until they break that self-acceptance barrier.  Then they can look further inward, to see themselves, to understand who they are.  You can't do that when others are defining you and you're trying to meet their expectations.  You just can't.

I'm a transvestite.  I certain of that.  But I also haven't reached the comfort level of many other crossdressers.  I hope to reach that level, and be able to not only walk out that door calmly but to look inward at what I feel and how I feel and who I am.

I'm certain I'm a transvestite.  I hope I reach that "holy grail."

I'm also a little bit afraid.


  1. I think you are right on this, even Stana, who is for many of us something of a role model, only seems to have hit this level of confidence this year with her trip to New York. Heve been out quite a few times now, but there is always that combination of excitment, elation, fear and trepidation. However I know that for myself, I am much more comfortable with myself towards the end of a dressed day, certainly I never want them to end and get back into drab

    Paula G

  2. The first two sentences of this post should have been printed in bold/italic enhanced font or made part of the blog title. You nailed it.

    Regardless of what we do or how far we can press the dressing envelope there is great satisfaction and peace of mind in knowing that you have done the best you can under whatever circumstances you face.

    There are various ways that we can define ourselves. Some may be content to dress at home. Others find contentment in the occasional foray into the the protected world of secret walks or drives, or support group meetings or even CD safe establishments while others have the need to interact with the 'civilian population' either by passing or by being accepted as having defined ourselves as a CD/TV/TG/TS/whatever.

    You are so correct that the holy grail for those of us who are CD has to be finding peace within ourselves, with who we are and who we may be. Actually reaching the holy grail is at best temporary but the carry over effect is a good feeling.

    Yesterday I was at CD peace. Fully dressed from early afternoon. My wife liked how I turned out. The makeup was good. The wig turned out nicely. I wore a light grey suit over a black shell and spent the day in a new pair of 3 1/4" pumps. I made a great pot of soup and felt the pleasant pain of standing in my new heels while I chopped and diced the meat and veggies for the soup. I died inside when the Giants folded to the Eagles but felt a bit better when the Jets held on over the Steelers.

    My affirming highlight was when my wife asked my help in selecting an online dress for a wedding we need to attend in Feb. She saw how I looked in gray and she felt free to go with a nicely styled dress in what for her would be an experimental color. Perhaps the interplay of of my gray suit with my blonde wig, which is very close to her natural blonde hair was inspirational. I was glowing in my role as girlfriend, dress consultant, well dressed homemaker, etc. All day she treated me as if it was just a perfectly normal and natural Sunday at home.

    Accpetance of myself as I am, augmented by my wife's acceptance, was the holy grail.

  3. So well written and thoughtful, Meg.
    As usual. :)

  4. Very well put, Meg. Since I do have some sense of peace in male mode, I'm not as tempted to throw everything into the other gender. But affirmation as a gal is unlike anything else I ever experienced, and I can see why it's so compelling to think about transitioning.


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