Once In A Lifetime

So what did last week have to do with trans?

Very little.  Mostly, it was background.

I have several Meg events I haven't written about yet.  The tgirlNation dinner.  The gender study event at a church.  The gender study event at Christine's house.  Some shopping and new clothing.  Friends game day and a soiree at Christine's.

This blog started so I could share a particular event (flying pretty).  I had several goals.

I wanted to help others who might have thought about flying, through my experience.

I wanted to maybe offer an idea to some who might never have thought of doing that, but were at the "what next?" stage of their progress.

On the selfish side, I wanted to write.  I also wanted to push myself to do this somewhat scary thing.  It's like announcing to your friends your giving up smoking.  The announcement helps keep you honest.

Last week was introspection week.  I've been looking at the past year and a half and trying to figure out what happened.

But I've also been looking at the past three years I've been here, online in this blog.

I think I've reached a new plateau.

Going out to dinner with a large group of sisters was a new experience.  Joining a public gender discussion was a new experience.  There were more new experiences, and there will be more new experiences.

But the excitement of new has been replaced with the feeling of normalcy.  Each new Meg experience is now a part of my life.  I'm not sure if that's exciting or mundane.

Traveling to a new city is noteworthy, but blogworthy?  I'm not sure.  Chicago, Detroit, and New York and it's all in the same street.  A typical city involved in a typical daydream.

Traveling to Singapore, South Africa, New Zealand is noteworthy and blogworthy.

Noteworthiness and blogworthiness are both in the eyes(hadow) of the beholder.  Are you, my audience, interested in everything Meg does, in detail?  Shopping, getting ready, going out, what I did, getting back to "normal?"  I don't know.  I try to rely on my muse (and your comments) for direction.

I think moving forward is both note- and blog-worthy.  Permanent hair removal, tricks and tips that might make the transformation easier or faster or more convincing, new levels of acceptance, breaking new ground (is there any?), epiphanies, and so on deserve to be shared.

I do have some insights and ideas that I'd like to share.

I have some links that y'all might enjoy.

But I'm not sure I have seven days a week of interesting material.  I'd like to entertain you, maybe educate you, maybe even make you think.  I feel I'm getting boring.

Right now, I'm going to share what I have but I do need to rethink my way forward.  Please bear with me, and feel free to help me as well.  You can always reach me via comments (write PRIVATE and I won't publish), or send an e-mail to my gmail address, youCanCallMeMeg .

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself
Well...How did I get here?

Letting the days go by
Let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by
Water flowing underground
Into the blue again
After the money's gone
Once in a lifetime
Water flowing underground

And you may ask yourself
How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife

Same as it ever was...

Water dissolving...and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
Under the water, carry the water at the bottom of the ocean
Remove the water at the bottom of the ocean

Letting the days go by
Let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by
Water flowing underground
Into the blue again
Into the silent water
Under the rocks and stones
There is water underground

And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go to?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right?...Am I wrong?
And you may say to yourself yourself
My God!...What have I done?!

Same as it ever was...

Look where my hand was
Time isn't holding up
Time is an asterisk

Same as it ever was...

Yeah, the twister comes
Here comes the twister

Same as it ever was...

And you May Ask Yourself / Where Does That Highway Go To?

I just renewed my lease for a year.  Charity is still here.  We split the rent and household expenses.  Charity makes dinner most nights, and I'm having a wider variety of food than I have ever had in my life.

Charity helps Meg.  A lot.  Makeup, advise, company....

I'm not sure what I contribute other than the location and utilities.  IT support?  I'm sure there's something that I do.

And you may ask yourself
Am I right?...Am I wrong?
And you may say to yourself yourself
My God!...What have I done?!

I cannot see the future.  If I could, I probably would have seen what was coming early enough to have done something about it, or at least tried to do something about it.

I can see the past.  I believe that every event, every turn get me where I am today.  Even if where I am was never my goal, I got here.  We got here.  All of us are here because our ancestors and our precursors survived billions of years of evolution.  At times when (man-made or natural) plagues struck, someone survived so we could be here today.  I'm here so I can write these words, you're here so I'm not alone.

That says nothing about the future.

When I take my Memorial Weekend road trip and meet up with some of you, as inconsequential as that is, it's the latest step in billions of years of history.

I like the future.  I'm in it.

---

My Favourite Dress!

And You May Tell yourself / This Is Not My Beautiful House

A couple of months after I returned to my house, I started searching for an apartment.  Again, this was a decision move, not a forced move, and I wondered what outside force pushed me to action.  I think a threshold was reached and my brain told me "you have no choice."

I moved out in October.

My plan was to find a roommate, someone from the community who also needed a place to live and be herself.  I was unsuccessful.

I moved out as cheaply as possible.  I signed a seven-month lease, knowing that if I wanted to return to the house after that time it would be at the pleasure of my wife.  I couldn't just walk in and say "I'm back!  What's new?"

My wife suggested I take the living room furniture since we rarely use the living room.  I knew that meant she would like new furniture, but that was fine with me.  I bought a bedroom set.  I took bookshelves from the basement since they held my stuff.  I took my desk and chair and a card table and a couple of folding chairs and some kitchen utensils we did not use.  I bought a microwave and coffee maker.

I was still spending too much on an apartment and continued to look for a roommate.

Since her husband died last November, Charity had been talking about getting out of the house where he died, and getting out of Memphis, where she was living.

This is not what I was looking for, but we discussed her sharing my apartment (I have two bedrooms) and she moved in a month or so after I did.

I really would have liked some more time alone.  I like living alone, but I had already spent a bit of money and was anxious to, if not stanch, at least slow down the bleeding.

---

Different Glasses.  Fem or Masc?

Letting The Days Go By / Let The Water Hold Me Down

I'm going to write a bit about my marriage, but only a bit because it obviously involves someone else.

My wife suggested couples therapy.  I agreed to go because I noticed I was sad.  A lot.  I didn't like being sad, and I couldn't even remember when I was happy.  I mean consistently happy, not momentarily happy.
It seemed that the therapy agreed with my wife ~ she seemed happier.

I got sadder.

A few years ago, I felt I was burning out at work.  I was working pretty much continuously for over 30 years and I had an idea.  When we delivered the latest software iteration, I requested a six months unpaid sabbatical.

I didn't use my time off as well as I should have, but it was helpful and I felt better when I returned to work.

I know solutions are not one-size-fits-all, but I suggested to the therapist (and my wife) that I need a sabbatical.  Six months seemed like a good length of time ~ any shorter and it would be tough to move in/out.  But I thought I could cut it short if that's what was needed.

I know that it might be fatal to the marriage, but it was a risk I had to take.  I needed to shake things up and this was the only idea I had.

I felt this would help set my life back on track.

During the couples therapy time, I left my job and started on the job I'm working at now.

I had mentioned to my manager that I might not need parking because I may move out for a bit and I might find someplace close enough to walk/bus to the office.

Not long after I started, my manager said he was leaving the company, but first he was taking six weeks off to househunt in Colorado.  He asked if I'd like to housesit.  I said yes.

The therapist thought it might be a good thing.  I had started seeing another therapist individually (just an EAP thing ~ five sessions) and she thought it was a good idea and might help the marriage and would definitely help me.

I needed it.

The experiment was mixed, because I had to escape from the house on one occasion, and the six weeks became five.  But I did a lot of thinking, a lot of writing, and I came to a conclusion.

It was better.  I wasn't as sad.

Meg was around more, I had fewer worries and more time, and I wasn't as sad.

---

Yes There Are Jewels

And You May Ask Yourself / Well...How Did I Get Here?

There's not going to be a lot of trans content this week (maybe a "simple pleasure" in addition to the photo at the bottom of the post).  Normally, I feel like I should apologise for that lack, but aren't we all more than pretty clothes?  I think it's all relevant and we can all relate to each other's experiences.  The comments section is open, if you'd like to respectfully disagree. :)

In January, 2012, I was living the American Dream.  Or at least my version of the American Dream.

My marriage was winging towards its 25th anniversary.  I lived in a house in the suburbs.  I had a slightly-below-average number of children, one in college, one on target for college.  I had a good job that paid well, utilised my talents and knowledge, was relatively secure, and let me travel just about the amount I like to travel.  I had no debt and few worries.

Within those intervening 18 months, the dream has turned into... something.  It's not a nightmare, but it's... something.  It's the Bizarro World version of what I had.

My marriage is now winging towards an end.  I still have the house, but I'm living in an apartment.  The boys are doing well, but I don't see them every day and that's painful.  My job changed so much that I had to find something else.  As a topper, the contract seemed iffy.  (For those of you who don't know the pleasure of government contracting, it's a roller coaster of funding/no funding and whims of whatever party is in power today.)

My normal behaviour is very Newtonian.  I travel in a straight line unless an outside force acts on me.  But in the past year, I've made turn after turn without an obvious outside force.  I think I responded to a series of outside nudges.  Or maybe they were so subtle I didn't notice I was going off course until I didn't have a choice.

It's possible I decided to take control of my life and make my own decisions, but that would require a huge change to my self-assessment and I'm not going there.

First, as I said, the job changed.  My position was effectively OBE (overcome by events) and I was moved into a position that a more junior (read: cheaper) employee could handle.  The company knew my worth and kept me on.  I was still paid well but my talents and knowledge were now underutilised, and travel went away abruptly.

And, as I said, the contract security was in doubt.

So last spring I actively sought a new job, with a new company.  And that worked out well.

Also last spring, my wife and I went to couples' therapy.  That didn't work out so well.

Meggy In Disguise (With Glasses)