Friday, June 8, 2012

Therapy the Eleventh

It was a very busy hour, but it didn't seem like things are moving forward.  It was more like an hour of deja vu.
My wife repeated her fear that something horrible will happen to me when I'm dressed.  I reiterated that (a) it's a rare occurrance and probably more dangerous to get in my car every day and (b) I am cautious.  I think she knows I don't have a reputation as a daredevil, so why does she think I would take unnecessary chances while dressed?
But along with her fears is the recognised but unacknowledged next step: to make her feel better I need to not go out.  In reality, it's her problem but I have to take action to solve it.  Perhaps she needs separate therapy to help her overcome her fears.
She also repeated (several times) her feeling that the origins of my dressing are suspect.  I contend that the origins aren't important ~ it's here and I enjoy it.
It's looking more and more as if we're not going to come to any sort of understanding on the T part of my life.

She can't even admit that she tries to discourage me from going out every time: it's nothing overt, it's a litany of all of the things that can go wrong (in her mind).  She seems to think that not only have I not thought of these things, but that she knows more about girls who have been assaulted or killed because of t-phobia than I do.

I'm not sure of a way forward that'll be satisfying to both of us.


  1. Did you tell her you were a crossdresser when you married her?

    If you did it is her problem. If you did not then it is your problem and you are a manipulative asshole and in self denial.

  2. I know it is very easy to come up with glib answers from afar, but it does sound as though you have hit a bit of an impasse. Ideally it would be good if your wife could go out with Meg and see what you get up to and how safe you are, but I don't suppose there is much chance of that. When somebody has an irrational fear, or an unfounded idea, it takes more than a simple assertion to change their minds; it does sound as though your wife has more issues than you to sort out ~ good luck

  3. The way forward that is satisfying to both of you is a very valid goal. I can't help but wonder if your wife thinks she's found a tool to change your behavior? Does she often worry about your safety when traveling or your child's safety when going to school?

  4. Meg: My best advice is to be true to yourself. I spent years in the closet, afraid of losing my wife. You've had the courage to tell your wife, now your marriage may be at risk (IMHO). Unless you think that you are master of when Meg will emerge and go out into the world and want to use that power to appease your wife, something has to give or change.

    From photos and stories, you seem to do well when you are out and about, blending in most times. A GG will never understand that, because of who/what we are, our situational awareness is always at high alert unless in a 100% safe setting. Also, we're not stupid -- we don't walk into bars where a bunch of soldiers or marines just back from the war are likely to hang out. If your wife can't get those basic facts about us, then my guess is that she doesn't want to -- her mind is made up, don't confuse her with facts.

    Your sisters are pulling for you, whatever path you take.


    Rhonda Darling

  5. You could meet her at a restaurant as Meg. And when she sees that nothing happens, maybe she'll be comfortable. It's not like you're going to downtown DC and walking the streets for heaven's sake.

  6. Meg,

    Some of your posts call for comments that are not easy to compose but I will try.

    Getting out and about to see and be seen is a very important component to someone who is trans. It is, at least in my view, a critical part of the affirmation that we need that we are OK.

    Whether we like it or not we still live in an environment where there is less than full acceptance of a 'man in a dress'. While we may be willing to take certain risks of exposure these same risks do not make sense for many of our wives. We feel the need for self affirmation as well as a form of group affirmation that we should all be accepted. We hurt no one ~ dressing is not a sin ~ if it feels good just do it ~ it is fun ~ it is a part of who we are that merits recognition ~ etc.

    The toughest issue I face is my desire to get out while dressed and my wife's fears about what may happen if anyone were to find out my secret identity. For what it is worth I am a known person. In the community or among friends and family we are a long time married couple. How would my being a tranny reflect on her is a legitimate concern ~ and a concern that I need to take into consideration.

    If I were a true independent free agent I suppose I would be out and about with some regularity. I have to recognize my duties and obligations to my family and to a lesser expent to my friends and co-workers.

    Maternal fears that ill will befall their loved ones is hard wired into a woman's core being. It is always the mother, never the father, telling her charges not to leave the house with dirty underwear in case they are in an accident. It is not hard to extrapolate that concept to a woman's fear that her husband is out and about in woman's clothes.

    I wish that there were a way for my wife to not be so fearful that ill consequences will befall me if I am out while dressed. Recognizing her legitimate fears pushes the equation against going out. Should I be out all dolled up and having a good time while she is home letting her imagination go wild about all of the bad things that could happen. I am certain that my assurances that I drive safer while dressed does not address the other drivers on the road.

    I think that many of us have burned our brain cells trying to ferret out why we enjoy dressing. I am at the point where the 'why' of dressing simply does not matter ~ perhaps it is genetic ~ perhaps I was over exposed to estrogen while in utero ~ perhaps I had a traumatic event during my developmental ages that I do not recall ~ perhaps I was a woman in a prior life ~ perhaps whatever. Why do I like golf and not tennis? Why do I like certain cars or colors or ice cream flavors or whatever? Some things we should just accept and make the most of what we have on our plates.


    PS: What is it with the smaller print font? Bigger print helps those of us who already need our reading glasses.

  7. Elizabeth ~ she knew but I don't think either of us understood it.

    Pat ~ I didn't know about the font. I'll keep my eyes on it and I updated this one.

  8. To scalesman looks like your best option is to find a town somewhat away to visit, when you have a need to dress!
    Meg: I truely belive that LGBT.. people have and "extra" mind capacity. You just know how to handle things before trouble starts. You can tell who takes a dislike to you and quickly avoid them. Let's think Arizona... you called ahead and knew where you going.. you met people who live there and they guided you safety though...I would think there is alway the chance incounter, but, I mean you've never had a problem at the airports and there many people there!! There appears that most normal people would point you out (if they knew) but very unlikely to confront you over you choices!

  9. I'm far from ready to try going out and would probably only do it with the support of my wife.

    But, since you are already going out as Meg, perhaps it would help allay her fears if she could meet you in a relatively safe environment like a restaurant and see how you interact as Meg.

    Best wishes and good luck!

  10. After further review of the comments!! (ABOVE) I think what a SUPER idea is to meet the wife at a restaurant. Send her off to shop,etc, have a few hours to dress and have Meg meet her at a presetup time at a restaurant. With luck she'd see how FEW PEOPLE WOULD NOTICE or even care, how you are dressed. Could maybe make her realize how WELL you normally pass! Very possibly She could loose some fears of you being "scene" by friends etc.


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