Changes

Two song titles in a row, plus a reference yesterday.

But this has nothing to do with music.  It has to do with opportunity.

In my series of therapy posts, I've mentioned my need for a sabbatical.  I can't focus on what needs to be fixed when I can't sit back and see what's going on.  Lately, my wife has been trying different things and then she comes back with "I've been doing *****.  I hope you've noticed."  Well, yeah, I've noticed and it makes me more confused and that makes my anxiety worse.  It might be better if she said "Would it help if I *****?  I'm going to try that and let's see if that makes a difference."  This way isn't useful.  Yes, I've mentioned this.

A few years ago, I took six months off from my job.  I came back refreshed and with a new way of looking at my job.  I offered a possible six month "marriage sabbatical" because six months worked before and it's probably hard to get a place for a shorter timeframe.

This was not received well.  I do understand, but I am out of ideas right now.  I need time to figure out how to get my head back where it once was and, I hope, revitalise my relationship with my wife.

It is possible I'm off on a completely wrong track.  Most of the scenarios I run through in my mind do not end well.  Short term, they involved a huge drain on my savings account.  Long term, they involve me old and dying alone.

But there are a few possibly good outcomes, and, as I said, I'm out of ideas.

Then the opportunity happened.

My manager is leaving.  He is moving across the country and said he's going to take a six-week vacation there to check out the area and househunt.  He asked if I was interested in housesitting  while he was gone.

I take this as a sign.  There is a problem with signs: they're all written in a language I don't understand, or they have those universal symbols I've never seen before.  Is this the universe doing something nice for me because I had a lousy life last time around?  Or is the universe saying "I'm going to have fun with this poor schmuck."

I don't know.  But I've taken jobs that just fell into my lap and they've worked out well in general.  I've discussed this with my wife, and I explained my need tearfully last week:

I'm not in the 1%, but I'm in the top 10% in this country.  I work in a building with 5000 pretty smart people, and I'd place myself at least in the top quarter.  I have two kids who have never given me a day of trouble and none of us have ever had a serious illness.

So why am I sad all the time?

I know taking a break, even for a few weeks, will have a negative effect on my wife and my sons.  It very well may have a negative effect on me, short term and long.

But I need to try to turn off the sad.  It's becoming painful and getting to the point where I don't really care if I get up in the morning or not.

I don't know a lot about people, psychology, and such, but I do know that's not good.

This is kind of an introduction to what's going to be happening starting next week.  My wife and son are at the beach until Thursday.  In spite of the quiet here, I do not plan any Meg outings.  I expect Meg outings at the manager's house to be limited ~ I'm not really ready to come out to my manager and that's a distinct possibility.

I do expect Meg to be more out-and-about than in the past though, even if it just means I'll have my toenails painted for the next six weeks and I'll be dressed from arriving-after-work time until going-to-work time.

Stay tuned.  The adventure continues.

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