In January, 2012, I was living the American Dream. Or at least my version of the American Dream.
My marriage was winging towards its 25th anniversary. I lived in a house in the suburbs. I had a slightly-below-average number of children, one in college, one on target for college. I had a good job that paid well, utilised my talents and knowledge, was relatively secure, and let me travel just about the amount I like to travel. I had no debt and few worries.
Within those intervening 18 months, the dream has turned into... something. It's not a nightmare, but it's... something. It's the Bizarro World version of what I had.
My marriage is now winging towards an end. I still have the house, but I'm living in an apartment. The boys are doing well, but I don't see them every day and that's painful. My job changed so much that I had to find something else. As a topper, the contract seemed iffy. (For those of you who don't know the pleasure of government contracting, it's a roller coaster of funding/no funding and whims of whatever party is in power today.)
My normal behaviour is very Newtonian. I travel in a straight line unless an outside force acts on me. But in the past year, I've made turn after turn without an obvious outside force. I think I responded to a series of outside nudges. Or maybe they were so subtle I didn't notice I was going off course until I didn't have a choice.
It's possible I decided to take control of my life and make my own decisions, but that would require a huge change to my self-assessment and I'm not going there.
First, as I said, the job changed. My position was effectively OBE (overcome by events) and I was moved into a position that a more junior (read: cheaper) employee could handle. The company knew my worth and kept me on. I was still paid well but my talents and knowledge were now underutilised, and travel went away abruptly.
And, as I said, the contract security was in doubt.
So last spring I actively sought a new job, with a new company. And that worked out well.
Also last spring, my wife and I went to couples' therapy. That didn't work out so well.
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| Meggy In Disguise (With Glasses) |
I really like the glasses, look you look wonderful!!
ReplyDeleteWhatever the past...in the present, you look great...and I simply love those glasses!
ReplyDeleteMeg -
ReplyDeleteAs noted in our private conversations (when visiting your area), my life is also a form of bizarre American dream. (Anyone wanting to find out more can read my blog.)
So.... Welcome to the "club".
Life is very strange. And when it's complicated by being CDTG, it's even more complex. Not only do we have our normal issues, but we end up having our gender presentation issues adding to our confusion. I'm not sure if you have a similar itch, but I find that I now need to go out as Marian at least once (or more) each weekend for my "itch" to be scratched. Is there an average amount of time "out" people like us need to scratch their itches?
M
Those of us who have followed along here might disagree that your current life is so 'Bizarro', but then consider that source lol.
ReplyDeleteI suppose part of this is I'm not really as sure about the American Dream as I was before working so hard to live it myself and now coming to the point of questioning whether it has served me well.
I remember being told we are all where we are because of the choices we have made, but I also recall the political answer of events dear boy, events" either way it's been quite a ride, just hang on it can only get better.
ReplyDelete. . . . and here I thought it was "Judy".
ReplyDeleteMeg, I've gotta say that you've hit a home run with that outfit, necklace, and glasses. WOW!
Rhonda
very nice look even with glasses.
ReplyDeletethat is a pretty blouse i love the sheer design on it.
it is ironic in that in getting new distance glasses and my first reading glasses i explained to the optician in my ophthalmologists office why i wanted a more neutral or somewhat more feminine glasses frame and showed her a photo of diana and so i ended up with a bluish tint frame for the reading glasses! and so i can relate on the glasses end.
Meg:
ReplyDeleteAm I so old I'm the only one who picked up the reference to John Fred and his Playboy Band's '68 hit "Judy in Disguise ( with glasses)"?
Sheesh, talk about a gal feeling old . . . .
Rhonda. ;-)
Well, obviously I did. :)
DeleteWelcome to the old age home, granddaughter. :D
As interesting (and similar to my own) as your thought process re: dressing seems to be, I've wondered whether you and your wife had a chance at reconciliation, and how your kids are doing. I respect you highly for writing about that. May your resolution be peaceful, and allow you the freedom to be Meg as often as you need. It is need, not merely want, after all.
ReplyDeleteRegarding the picture, you should wear the glasses more - you have the right style and look more comfortable. Contacts used to be a part of my transformation - the most drastic change in my appearance was substituting contacts for glasses - but my correction required hard contacts, which are painful.I got tired of running eyeliner and mascara whenever the contacts acted up, drops, dry eyes, and needing reading and sunglasses anyway. Finally, I said the heck with it, and got glasses that could work both ways. Makes it harder to do the eyes, but so much more comfortable when out. The dress looks great.
As others have said, I too like the look with the glasses and the look of the blouse.
ReplyDeleteOur lives are not easy with the "itch" or the "need" to be feminine at least for some time frame within a week or a month. As with you before my job allowed me to travel and be myself as often as I wanted and go out and have fun being with like minded individuals and just enjoy life. Now that things have changed and I am retired those opportunities no longer exist and I am miserable.
I envy you in the opportunities now presented for you. I do wish that you could come to a good solution with your family and still be as "Meg" as you need to be.
Please keep up the blog and let the rest of us live vicariously through it. Lisa