I don't sing. I don't use firearms. I don't juggle. I don't box or wrestle. I don't follow soccer.
The list goes on and on.
Meg has a list too, and one of my goals is to shorten it. Every time I remove an item it means I've stepped out of my comfort zone at least a tiny bit and stepped into my Meg role. At least a tiny bit.
Last Saturday morning, in Tucson, I had breakfast with Liz and Erin. Afterwards, we went to the Pima Air Museum. Before leaving the restaurant, I thought it would probably be wise to use the ladies' room. This is something I have feared, and therefore avoided, so far. The only time I had used the ladies' room before was (coincidentally) with Liz, and she steered me towards a little-used restroom that time.
I didn't do anything stupid, like head towards the wrong door. The room was empty the entire time I was in there, which was longer than I expected. Trying to organise my cinch and camisole and skirt and skirt lining to sit down was a challenge. Trying to make sure everything was organised correctly before opening the stall door was the second challenge. I thought there should be a mirror in the stall, but who'd want to be looking at themselves at that particular moment?
One taboo down. I touched up my lipstick using a small mirror, in the stall. Next time, I'll use the mirror on the wall. That's the next push to expand my self-imposed bubble.
What's left? Puh-lenty.
* I own some very feminine articles of clothing. Lace, ruffles, sequins, embroidery, and so on. I avoid them. I know I'm being read. I don't know what that has to do with my not dressing very femininely. I don't know if women would look at me and say "well, he's not afraid to dress UP" or if they would look at me and say "it's bad enough that he's dressing, but that's WAY over the top!" Or if they'd care at all. I love feminine clothes, and I'm getting there a bit, with brighter colours and swingier skirts, but I have limits and they're keeping Me from becoming Meg.
* I still haven't eaten alone in a restaurant. I'd feel boxed in. If people want to hassle me, I can be stuck in a booth and I wouldn't be able to get up to leave easily. I've never had a problem, so maybe this fits under the "maintain vigilance" heading, but it makes me nervous and I try to trust my gut. I mean, it IS much larger than my brain (and I'm working on that). There's also that ladies' room thing, although I'll have to go whether I'm eating alone or with friends. I have eaten alone in a food court. I have ordered takeaway at a restaurant. I have yet to sit down to a meal alone.
* I haven't worn any kind-of-short skirts. I think just above the knee is the highest I've tried.
* I haven't worn platform/very high heel shoes. This is probably due to lack of finding them in my size more than anything else.
* I haven't worn stockings and a garter belt. Oh wait, I did that Saturday, although I hadn't planned on it.
In the past six months,
* I have gone out barelegged, although I think this is A Bad Idea.
* I have worn open-toed shoes (since I was barelegged, why not).
* I have worn long skirts. I think my legs are OK and why not show them off? But to me, long skirts mean more formal and a bit more blending in with the other ladies.
* I have worn stockings and a garter belt. :)
* I introduced Meg and my male self to a relative stranger.
* I made a transsexual friend. Well, I hope she's my friend. Maybe I should just say "I met a transsexual."
* I shaved my underarms and shoulders enough that I could wear a tank top (which I haven't) or at least cap sleeves (which I have).
I'm missing things in both categories, I'm sure. I would LOVE to hear about your comfort zones and how you've been breaching the self-imposed cage and what's left. Anything from "I wear glossy chapstick as a guy" to "I came out to a friend" to "I went to a club" to "I shave my arms and legs now" to "I hope to go on my porch" to "I want to take a two-week vacation" to ... well, you tell me. You can e-mail me, of course, or comment or comment and put PRIVATE at the top and it'll never get published.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
One More Note About A
Then I'll return to the main event. (A, I hope that didn't sound like you're an afterthought! You're my newest friend!)
She gave Dorothy and me her e-mail address, which turned out to be the wrong one. It seems to belong to someone ~ I wrote and it didn't bounce. There may be a very confused person out there.
After we all said goodnight, I went up to my room and took a few pictures because I wasn't sure I had one that showed my new hose. This is my first time in patterned hose. Also that dress is new. But instead of enjoying The Meg Experience, I changed right away for two reasons. One, it was late. I took out my contacts and used my eye makeup remover, then I stripped off my clothes and jumped into the shower (again) to scrub off the rest of my makeup. I put my glasses on and instead of my nightie, I put on the clothes I had worn to work that day. They were still women's clothing; I decided I'd go female in case I didn't have a chance to do the full dressup. Jeans, women's shirt, sneakers. I skipped the socks and cami I wore earlier.
And reason number two: I went down to the front desk to say hi to A.
It was less than 30 minutes from the time Meg left until I showed back up.
I was greeted with an enthusiastic "hi!" and a "how can I help you?"
I leaned close and in a whispery voice said "I'm... Meg."
Affirmations like hers are priceless. She said "When I saw Meg, I knew I checked you in, but I didn't remember you." She swears she didn't recognise me, and I'll take that at face value. Unless it was the Clark Kent thing, now that I had my glasses on.
She gave Dorothy and me her e-mail address, which turned out to be the wrong one. It seems to belong to someone ~ I wrote and it didn't bounce. There may be a very confused person out there.
After we all said goodnight, I went up to my room and took a few pictures because I wasn't sure I had one that showed my new hose. This is my first time in patterned hose. Also that dress is new. But instead of enjoying The Meg Experience, I changed right away for two reasons. One, it was late. I took out my contacts and used my eye makeup remover, then I stripped off my clothes and jumped into the shower (again) to scrub off the rest of my makeup. I put my glasses on and instead of my nightie, I put on the clothes I had worn to work that day. They were still women's clothing; I decided I'd go female in case I didn't have a chance to do the full dressup. Jeans, women's shirt, sneakers. I skipped the socks and cami I wore earlier.
And reason number two: I went down to the front desk to say hi to A.
It was less than 30 minutes from the time Meg left until I showed back up.
I was greeted with an enthusiastic "hi!" and a "how can I help you?"
I leaned close and in a whispery voice said "I'm... Meg."
Affirmations like hers are priceless. She said "When I saw Meg, I knew I checked you in, but I didn't remember you." She swears she didn't recognise me, and I'll take that at face value. Unless it was the Clark Kent thing, now that I had my glasses on.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Dorothy, A, and Meg
 |
| Meg, A, and Dorothy |
When we returned to my hotel, I was distracted for a moment and, as I mentioned the other day, Dorothy started talking to the lady at the desk. I'll call her A.
I didn't have a problem really when Dorothy asserted that this was a lifestyle moment, not a Halloween one. A didn't either, and started talking about her own personal lifestyle. She said she was polyamourous. Dorothy looked confused and said "what's that?" and I jumped in and said "swingers." OK, I know that that's not quite it. A looked pained and said "we believe that you can love more than one person equally" and I stage-whispered to Dorothy "swingers."
A is very nice and she told us a lot about herself and we shared stories and experiences. One thing I learned is our personal quirks (if I can call them that) have the same deep-seated roots: I know cd'ers who have divorced because their wives couldn't accept them and they couldn't accept being deep in the closet. A divorced because she was in a "vanilla" marriage and needed to explore who she really was, how she really felt. She also has a (and I probably have this wrong and A can correct me) D-and-S side and that's part of her relationships too. I said "if you meet girls like us, we're most likely subs."
A said that she thinks what we do is just fine, but couched it as "who am I to talk?" I pointed out that we're kind of in the same boat: I can't go up to people and say "hi! I crossdress. What do you think about that?" And she can't say "hi! We're pretty open, and you're a cute couple and are you interested?" Not safely, anyway. There are a lot of crossdressers in the closet, but I think it's worse for people who love in their own way to be in the closet too.
I bet Dorothy looks her up again. I'll probably stay at the same hotel next time I visit; maybe we can all go out together. And Thank You Dorothy! If you hadn't started chatting with her, I would have not met another of the way-too-rare accepting women! And I got to learn from someone different than me.
And, by the way, A has on a casual shirt like I've been looking for, for when I travel to Arizona.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Disaster Averted!
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| Dorothy |
The last thing I did before parting ways with Liz and Erin (keep checking back; the story's coming) was take three pictures: Erin and Liz, Erin and Meg, Liz and Meg. When Erin tried to take the Liz and Meg picture, my camera decided the memory card was unrecogniseable. I tried reseating the card, I tried connecting it via cable to my computer.... Nothing would work.
I came home around 4 or so and put the card into my computer reader. It happily asked if I wanted to format it.
I had a great time with Dorothy Friday night, and Liz and Erin on Saturday. Twelve stars on a scale of one-to-five. But I would have liked to have those pictures.
 |
| Erin (left) and Liz |
I downloaded a free disk editor, HxD. I saved the card image as a file. I opened the file with a hex editor and searched for and found images. I hoped the images were contiguous, stretching from one image to the next. I wrote a little c# program that looked for jpeg headers: I found 246. I extended the program to save the data from one header to the next and... I got 246 pictures! A couple are corrupt, many are from a long time ago (and I had formatted my card recently). I didn't get those last couple of pictures, but almost all of my trip is back!
[techie off]
So these are a couple of (cropped but unedited) pictures from one of my best weekends ever! Click to enlarge.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
I Need Self-Control
(more on Dorothy in a day or so.... And on Liz and Erin and my Saturday in Tucson)
A friend is starting a political blog and wanted some advice. He's thinking of using wordpress. I told him I have to political blogs using wordpress, but I don't do much with them or anything fancy even though there are a lot of options with it. I also mentioned I have a blog using blogspot, the google blog website.
He doesn't know about Meg. I knew when I wrote it that I was asking for trouble, and I wasn't sure what I'd say if he asked to see the blogspot site. I'm still not sure, but I don't think it's important: it's been over a week and he never asked about it.
I know.... One of these days....
A friend is starting a political blog and wanted some advice. He's thinking of using wordpress. I told him I have to political blogs using wordpress, but I don't do much with them or anything fancy even though there are a lot of options with it. I also mentioned I have a blog using blogspot, the google blog website.
He doesn't know about Meg. I knew when I wrote it that I was asking for trouble, and I wasn't sure what I'd say if he asked to see the blogspot site. I'm still not sure, but I don't think it's important: it's been over a week and he never asked about it.
I know.... One of these days....
Saturday, October 29, 2011
It's 11PM Arizona Time
2AM on my own personal clock. I just got in from a fabulous time, dining and yapping, with Dorothy.
I thought Dorothy was going to be waiting in her car. I walked past a woman sitting on the sofa in the lobby. She looked at me and said "hi" so I said "hi" back and kept walking. When I couldn't find her, I called and said "were you that woman sitting in the lobby?" She was.
The end of the evening was also delightful. Dorothy is the anti-Meg: she talks to everyone. She started talking to the woman behind the counter at the hotel ~ I missed the start of the conversation but I think Dorothy said she looked familiar. When I got to the counter, the woman said "is this lifestyle or Halloween?" I was taken aback, but Dorothy immediately said "lifestyle" and we magically found another very accepting woman! We had a great chat.
Details to follow. I have to meet Liz at 9am and I've told you how long it takes Meg to get ready!
Oh... an open note to Lizzy, who wrote "Zevon rules!" after my post the other day: on a trip to London I stumbled upon Chinatown. I started walking up and down streets until I found Lee Ho Fook's. I didn't get a big dish of beef chow mein, but I did score a matchbook!
I thought Dorothy was going to be waiting in her car. I walked past a woman sitting on the sofa in the lobby. She looked at me and said "hi" so I said "hi" back and kept walking. When I couldn't find her, I called and said "were you that woman sitting in the lobby?" She was.
The end of the evening was also delightful. Dorothy is the anti-Meg: she talks to everyone. She started talking to the woman behind the counter at the hotel ~ I missed the start of the conversation but I think Dorothy said she looked familiar. When I got to the counter, the woman said "is this lifestyle or Halloween?" I was taken aback, but Dorothy immediately said "lifestyle" and we magically found another very accepting woman! We had a great chat.
Details to follow. I have to meet Liz at 9am and I've told you how long it takes Meg to get ready!
Oh... an open note to Lizzy, who wrote "Zevon rules!" after my post the other day: on a trip to London I stumbled upon Chinatown. I started walking up and down streets until I found Lee Ho Fook's. I didn't get a big dish of beef chow mein, but I did score a matchbook!
Friday, October 28, 2011
I Better Be Ready
I walked over to KMart during the day Wednesday and I picked up one of these. They had that camo finish, or dark blue. Neither was my first choice, but I picked a blue one up anyway. It folds flat, weighs little, and if I can make a little room in my regular bag I can carry it on my trip, empty. I bought it now so I could bring home my extra skirts. I may also buy something in Tucson (if I find anything interesting or unusual) and I STILL might try the ballet flat idea. If I do, I'll need to carry my male shoes, which are bulky and will never fit in my bag without other considerations.
I also spent five on a pack of three trouser socks. If I wear the flats, I'll need thin socks. Not that I'm saying I'll do it yet. But I'm ready.
One disappointment here: I cannot wear my cami or cinch under two of my shirts. One shows every strap; the other is a nicer material and a bit clingy. Under either, I can see the straps (and one of my camis is shaped for my bust so even though the cup material is thin it still bunches and shows a bit. A bit too much. If I leave off the cami, there's a bit of a "muffin top" above my cinch. I'll wear my denim shirt again today so I can wear my cinch and that nice cami.
The plan for today is to meet Dorothy for dinner in Tucson. If I can get there early, Meg will meet her. If not, well, at least I'll be wearing all women's clothing. It's not much but it's better than nothing.
Before I left for work I got rid of as much hair as I could, except for a close facial shave. The dress I'll probably wear has 3/4 sleeves and my top has long sleeves, but for some reason I decided to completely shave my arms and underarms.
While here, I made a list of everything I brought so I can use this as a serious starting point. I'm going to make three lists from that one: Things I Must Bring, Things I'd Like To Have, Things I Can Replace. I must bring my contacts. I'd like to have my wig (because it's tricky to replace), and most makeup is easy to replace.
Wednesday night, I did a dry run, trying on my padding and shoes and top and each skirt. And, even with all my planning, I still messed up. I am certain I took out a white plain Flexee cami. I remember noticing that it was very stretchy and was shaped for my bust. But it didn't make it to Arizona. I hope I put it away! My top is a scoop neck and almost too low. I wanted to wear a higher neck cami underneath so I'd get a kind of "crescent moon" shape. I think if I'm careful it'll be fine, but I'd rather have the extra layer.
Sometimes, I amaze myself.
Oh.... One of the skirts I picked up at Goodwill had the original tags from Macy's. It's lined, multi-gored, very swingy and I like it alot, except for the length (just below knee; I'd prefer just above). And the original price on this $7 skirt was $59.
I also spent five on a pack of three trouser socks. If I wear the flats, I'll need thin socks. Not that I'm saying I'll do it yet. But I'm ready.
One disappointment here: I cannot wear my cami or cinch under two of my shirts. One shows every strap; the other is a nicer material and a bit clingy. Under either, I can see the straps (and one of my camis is shaped for my bust so even though the cup material is thin it still bunches and shows a bit. A bit too much. If I leave off the cami, there's a bit of a "muffin top" above my cinch. I'll wear my denim shirt again today so I can wear my cinch and that nice cami.
The plan for today is to meet Dorothy for dinner in Tucson. If I can get there early, Meg will meet her. If not, well, at least I'll be wearing all women's clothing. It's not much but it's better than nothing.
Before I left for work I got rid of as much hair as I could, except for a close facial shave. The dress I'll probably wear has 3/4 sleeves and my top has long sleeves, but for some reason I decided to completely shave my arms and underarms.
While here, I made a list of everything I brought so I can use this as a serious starting point. I'm going to make three lists from that one: Things I Must Bring, Things I'd Like To Have, Things I Can Replace. I must bring my contacts. I'd like to have my wig (because it's tricky to replace), and most makeup is easy to replace.
Wednesday night, I did a dry run, trying on my padding and shoes and top and each skirt. And, even with all my planning, I still messed up. I am certain I took out a white plain Flexee cami. I remember noticing that it was very stretchy and was shaped for my bust. But it didn't make it to Arizona. I hope I put it away! My top is a scoop neck and almost too low. I wanted to wear a higher neck cami underneath so I'd get a kind of "crescent moon" shape. I think if I'm careful it'll be fine, but I'd rather have the extra layer.
Sometimes, I amaze myself.
Oh.... One of the skirts I picked up at Goodwill had the original tags from Macy's. It's lined, multi-gored, very swingy and I like it alot, except for the length (just below knee; I'd prefer just above). And the original price on this $7 skirt was $59.
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