I observed that the therapy sessions have turned into refereed arguments. We disagree a lot, but we don't really argue ~ except every Tuesday for an hour.
In what has become a rarity, my wife agreed with this assessment.
We also agreed that neither of us thought about ending the marriage until the therapy sessions started. I didn't think that was supposed to happen.
T-issues have fallen off the table, because there are bigger issues here. Yet in spite of all that's going on, the therapist tried to bring it back around to t-issues. I was very confused ~ I didn't see that as at all relevant.
Something, maybe some things, need to stop.
In other news, I'm settling into my new job although it took almost two weeks to get my computer and access and everything necessary so I can do something useful in exchange for a salary. And Dani made a good point about why the card has to stay in the computer but come with me when I leave ~ computers should not be unattended and unlocked. But I've gotten into the habit of hitting that little flag key and L which locks the screen. And I bet most of you do the three-finger-salute (ctrl-alt-del) and select lock. Look up "windows key shortcuts" and you'll find a handful of things that little key does to save yourself a few seconds a day ~but of course Microsoft turns those seconds into hours and takes them away again with reboots, hangs, and other inconveniences.
Life in the 21st century.
Hugs!
ReplyDeleteA marriage is a compromise between two people. Nothing said it has to be perfect…. You must except some of your spouse’s “defects” as well as she must understand your’s. Therapy, appears to have helped, here in, as you now are actual talking,(instead of ignoring)those faults.
ReplyDeleteThat, surprisingly is a truly happy marriage. You both have “defects” that can be understood and together you can arrange ways to satisfy each other concerns, and still live happily. Learning to live with “she never makes the bed,” or “you spending time outside the home with your hobby” is a small item, and can be minor ignorance.
yes - therapy does often result in marriage break-ups. I think there are 2 reasons for this, one fairly obvious, and one that is less so. THe obvious one, of course, is that people going into relational therapies are generally doing so because there is already a problem. The breakup rate just has to be higher giving the base set for the sample. The less obvious reason, is that there is an embedded philosophy that starts with the individual desires and tries to find a way to harmonize the differences. I think this tends to put the differences into sharper relief - certainly in the short term, and that is easy to let harden into a wider gap in the relationship.
ReplyDeleteThe core question is how you want the relationship to continue. And then you have to commit to working through to that end. If the road is longer than either partner is willing to walk - well it fails.
(self-disclosure: i am deep in it right now, and it is not at all clear whether we have sufficient commitment to make it through the dark)
On the Second half of your blog....
ReplyDeleteIt not that your employer is worried about your hard drive...
It's the open to the net that scares them..
Think I'm a contract janitor and notice your open computer.. I slip in my usb thumb drive and launch that trojan horse virus that sucks the main frame up three weeks from now...
instant chaos!!
Is your therapist married to a divorce lawyer? Sounds to me like she is teh problem not the solution, how about you and your wife go off somewhere together, just teh two of you and remember why you got married.
ReplyDeleteDon't publish this if you don't want to. But.... I would suggest that you talk to your wife and see if a break from therapy would be beneficial and then go to a different therapist. It may take a few months to calm down and let these open wounds heal. Then go to a different therapist and see if your marriage can be saved. In the mean time, see if the DC area TG suport organizations have a SOFFA group SOFFA - (SOs, Friends Family and Allies)that your wife can talk to and where she can get an idea of what you are about and how others cope. Sometimes finding out that she's not alone is helpful.
ReplyDeleteFWIW
Ashley
I've been to both a mariage counselor and an individual therapist, so I'd like you to have the benefit of my experience.
ReplyDeleteThe marriage counselor seemed to keep finding ways to help us communicate, but always steered clear of the "Elephant in the room" -- the CD issue when we had joint therapy sessions. I was never sure if it was because * HE * was uncomfortable talking about it, or if he sensed that my wife would shut down if * WE * talked about it.
It sounds like your therapist in not well versed in T issues. But since she is trained in therapy and wants to help, she will keep trying. However it's like someone not having the right tool. Say you need to hammer a nail in, but you don't have a hammer. Well, wack it with the side of a wrench. It will work * EVENTUALLY *. The real solution is to go buy a mammer.
In short, I sugggest that you find a therapist who is well versed in T issues. If you need help in doing that, let me know.
Steffi (CDCS)