My youngest son came down to discuss his new computer. We were looking at different websites, and then I suggested Amazon so maybe we could see some reviews.
Then I changed my mind ~ I wasn't sure what sort of books would show up at the top of the Amazon page. I've bought some trans-related books and a "recommended" might be embarrassing.
One bullet dodged.
Then he wanted to see how youtube looked on my new 2048 x 1152 monitor. I was about to open youtube and then reconsidered. That would DEFINITELY show videos that I didn't want him to see! Pretty much all I enjoy there are crossdress or makeup related. I finally decided to google my older son's youtube user name and we went directly to his page.
He noticed I have lots of programs running and lots of firefox tabs open. He's pretty sharp ~ he pointed at one and said "is that Google Analytics"? Yes it was. Google Analytics gives web page information such as how many people visited. I said "yes, it's for the blog I created when I flew across country dressed as a girl".
No, I didn't. I asked a question about the computer parts he wanted and we got back on subject.
I don't like hiding. I don't like closing windows on the computer when I hear someone come down the stairs. Closets are for clothing. And I build a closet around me wherever I go.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
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It is such a hurtful thing to have to hide. I hate it too. I partitioned my computer so it has a 'vanilla' side that I can have showing when the kids come to visit. It does the job but it still would feel so much better to just be myself all of the time and let them all know what a really interesting person I really am! But not yet; not with a wife who is now in the closet too and way into denial. Not fun.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the great post Meg.
Hugs
I agree with Halle. It's a necessary part of all of most of our lives, but it still hurts. A lot.
ReplyDeleteMeg,
ReplyDeleteI am listening to pandora.com and as I clicked to respond to this blog post Pink Floyd's "The Wall" came started to play. Coincidence? Perhaps.
We who have dual gender issues all have our walls and we endure stress in our efforts to create our protected space. It seems to go with the territory.
Many of us claim that we would like to be 'out' and/or 'about'. I am not sure that this is really the case. Instead, what I think I would like, and perhaps you would as well, would be the ability to get out and about on occasion and to do so without concern for potential negative remifications.
I, and it would seem from the comments of many of your other followers, live full time male lives but yearn to take the occasional walk on the other side. Some can navigate those walks more readily than others. It is more than the issue of passing or acceptance. It is more than having a spouse who loves you and both tolerates and fears our femme sides. It is also more than the thrill of the event or the affirmation of ourselves.
We have to build walls and closets to not only protect ourselves but to protect our wives and families. We are who and/or what we are...whatever that may be or wherever on the so-called gender spectrum we may find ourselves. By and large, however, our wives are entitled to some control over how they are perceived by our joint friends and families. As a husband and father where can we find license to engage in conduct that may hurt our wives and children.
We hate to have walls because of the natural separation that walls create BUT walls and/or closets are often a necessary evil not only for ourselves but for those we love and have a duty to honor and protect.
Pat