Thursday, July 8, 2010

Trading Falsehoods

In the classic Laurel and Hardy movie, Sons of the Desert, the boys want to go to a convention in Chicago but their wives won't let them. Instead they say they're going on a ship to Hawaii for their health, which is OK. They come home and start to talk about the great trip, not knowing that their ship sank on the way and they are kinda caught in their lie.

I am uncomfortable with lying. I avoid it whenever possible.

So I had a problem with leaving at 9am and flying at 330pm. I could say I had an early flight, but what if that ship sinks?

Instead I said "If I need to do some last-minute work for the customer, I may take a cab to the office on Monday morning, then a cab to the airport from there."

So I'm on the right plane. I'm just not where I say I'll be in the morning. I'm trading a lie for a little fib, but I still don't like it.

I'd feel better saying "I don't want the neighbors to see, so I'll be taking a cab to a hotel where I'll change to Meg for my flight" but that's not gonna happen.


  1. Meg,

    The 'candor' issue is one that plagues many of us part time dressers. While dressing is part of our core, the secreting of the amount of our dressing from our wives and other loved ones is often more of a source of mental anguish and guilt than the actual dressing itself.

    I presume that many of us are happy in our family circumstances and because we love our wives and family we do not want to do anything to cause them pain or grief.
    Many of our wives know that we crossdress but they harbor reasonable fears and concerns as to what others may think of us, and of them, if it were to be known that the 'man of the house' likes to dress like a lady. What would happen if it were to be known at work, in the neighborhood, amonst our friends and family?

    While I can take chances for myself I do not believe that I have the right to force risks on my loved ones.

    Back to the subject of your posting...'Trading falsehoods'.

    In my personal life and in my business life honesty and integrity are critical. I am sure that this is the case for many of us. Why should we have to lie, mislead, duck, bob and weave just to get in some 'girl time'?

    One way that we justify our lack of candor is that total honesty would cause pain to others. Is this a justifiable 'fib' or 'white lie'? If I step out 'en femme' and my wife does not know about it then that is one less thing for her to worry about. On those occasions when I have gone out dressed, with her knowledge, I know that she spent the time of my absense worrying about my safety, etc. Is it therefore easier to got out without her knowledge? I hate not being totally open about my dressing and what I like to do when dressed. Are we trading falsehoods?

    Sorry that I have no answers but candor is a big issue for me as it is, I am sure, for many others.

    I suspect that many of us heterosexual crossdressers who are in typical male/female relationships have struggled with the candor issue for years. First, many of us take a long time to reach a workable understanding of our own level of 'transness'. In some cases the personal level of 'transness' is a moving target. This presents a problem of trying to explain a fluid situation in static terms. What am I....who is lots of different things at lots of different times.

    What hurts is not being able to explain things that you may or may not be or things that you may or may not want to do to the most important person in your the person whose life is tied to your own life, fortunes, foibles, etc.

    I am lucky in that while there may be some lies that we live with and can justify as being told to protect those that you love, the key vow "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health" provides an anchor for everything else in my life.


  2. Pat, What wonderful elaborations on a very sensitive subject. I think you completely covered the "how come" with intelligent verbiage.

    I just want to add a couple of things. Your right when you say our wives worry and our security and identity (also their security and Identity are part of the wager). I'm fortunate enough to have been open and honest from the get go with my wife, and she is often willing and more comfortable to venture out with her "girlfriend" whilst we are in groups. I also have a Tran and GG couple where the GG is very worrisome when my Tran friend wants to go out (she is very new to being out, so it's exciting and frequent, she got a lot of "girl" catching up). What comforts her wife is when my Tran friend goes out with me, as she sees me as confident, knowledgeable and courageous, for some reason this placates her fears.
    I guess I would have to say that my comfort level, as far as honesty is concerned, has been made solid by the numbers of people in my life that have learned of my duality and have not run from me. Some I choose not to make uncomfortable when not around them, And some love being around me while I'm either in guy or in girl guise.
    I think it comes down to a part of us that wants to protect, so we lie. Where, many woman feel the need to be secure, so they worry. I find that if I worry more about things that could happen and verbalize them with plans a,b and c my wife seems to worry less.

    just my 2 cents, Joanie


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