No Dress Code (Thesis Part III)

Friday I mentioned the "reasons" portion of the "reasons or urges" times I go out.  I don't know if all Meg events fit into one of those categories, but they're definitely most outings.

Urges are time when I just want to go out and do it as Meg.  Sometimes I just want to go to the city or shopping or to the theatre as Meg.  So I do.  I have no problem going to the same shop or museum or whatever as Meg/non-Meg because no-one's going to remember me from one visit to the next.  If I'm shaved and want to feel the wind on my legs and have the extra time, Meg will go.  If not, Meg may go, or not.

Sometimes, I just put on a dress or skirt around the apartment because it's comfortable.  And sometimes that turns into "I really want to go 'full Meg' and I do.

The nice thing about my current situation is, I can often make a decision at the last minute ~ sort of.  I do need to ensure I've been in maintenance mode so I can (relatively) quickly get ready.

And to get back to my original topic, I can choose to be Meg or not.  Even in the "Meg always goes," I can come out and go as non-Meg.  I just have to be ready for the consequences.

Those of us who are or see themselves as going full-time, pre- or post- or no-op, lose the "non-Meg" option... mostly.  Girls can go out in a sort of Victor/Victoria mode and get away with it.  Or just decide androgynous is one of their looks.  I suspect that most transwomen will consider the effort they put into becoming their true selves and not go back-and-forth.  Again, this is from the gut.

I have an option that they, for all practical purposes, do not.  I'm not saying my lifestyle path is better, just that it's right for me.  If my path led me to transition, then giving up the male option would be pure relief, and never a burden.

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Endpoint: Full-Time

(my good friend Sharon had an excellent point: there are negative endpoints.  I'm going to continue to use that term, but I think I should have substituted goals.  I mean we all have the same final endpoint, no?  I always want to answer the flight attendant's "what's your final destination?" with "that depends on the kind of life I led.")

I have met with, and spoken with, and read about several full-time girls.  They have no plans for surgery or hormones.  They seem to have no interest in going that final mile.

I know others who would love to go full-time but don't for good reasons ~ things like job or family, for instance.  As important as it is to be your true self all the time, there are priorities and there always will be tradeoffs in life.  See my post from Monday, or Stana's excellent explanation from Tuesday.

I believe full-time also offers the option of trading down: if there's a reason to not be your femme self, you could pass for male (or close to it).  I can imagine, if I were full-time, that would be difficult but doable.  When I travel with my son, my girl wardrobe and luggage is virtually non-existent, and that's hard.  Even switching back to pajamas instead of a gown feels weird.  But it needs to be done, so I do it.

Of course, there are full-time perks that don't trade down without planning... the same way that I have to plan to "trade up" to female mode.  My brows and fingernails, for instance, would be very different if I were full-time.

I'm not.  It takes a lot of time every day to get ready and I'm not sure I want to make a commitment to that every day of every week.  But in the event of the "perfect storm" (no family obligations, a job opportunity as Meg) I can see myself full-time.  My two-hour prep would probably be cut in half just by getting electrolysis or some other "permanent" hair removal and keeping brows and nails ready-to-go.  I'd also develop more of a casual wardrobe than I have now, and I'd be more familiar with the clothes I have, and know what works, and what I like.  And I'm sure I can get that makeup routine down!

I have no plans, but I can see it.

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Across the Spectrum

Hide!

Friday the 13th falls on a Friday this month!

So, following up on the good news, I came across an article a while back.  It was in ArtsJournal and was titled

Cross-dress for success

The article described how 'Broadway's new motto is "All Transvestism, All the Time!"'and I'm amazed at how we're being portrayed in various productions.  Some good, some bad, some larger than life, some minor characters....  Just like we were real people!

From the Southern Poverty Law Center:

SPLC demands Georgia Department of Corrections provide transgender prisoner with necessary hormone treatment

and the fact that this is even considered is a huge step forward.  Accompanying the article:

I don't condone her crime (burglary) but as she says, the court would not sentence a person to a gender change, but they're doing it to her.

And there's always bad news somewhere, but it has the possibility of having a happy ending, enlightening people, and promoting respect:

LGBT group files complaint against Adams Morgan bar for slur on receipt

This is local, and that makes it personal.  A quick summary: a transwoman and eight friends (it doesn't say if she was the only trans member of the party) would not be served at their table as other parties were and when they got their bill the spot where the name would be simply read "gay bitches."

The article said that cases like these are sometimes settled by "sensitivity training" for the clods in question.  They need more than that.  They need educating.  The only thing the staff did right was refer to the woman with a feminine insult.

Note: I don't want to be unfair to a local business.  I found an article that has the Bistro's side.  I don't know where the truth lies, but if you read the above please read this too.

Ah well.  I'm still satisfied.  But then, I'm not Ashley Diamond.

Haters: Bad News and Good News

(aside: Thank you, Donna!)

I've been looking for the T-hater sites.  I found a few, but not many.  They have subjects like "how I stopped crossdressing and so can you" or "you must stop crossdressing, because I don't like it" or from women who have a visceral dislike of crossdressers (I think that's because it bothers them that amateurs look better than they do).

And from news reports, I know, yes, there will be another Transgender Day of Remembrance.  I saw the first article on a t-girl getting assaulted about two days after the last one.

But there is good news.

I first looked for the hater sites about a year ago.  Most of the sites I saw then are gone!  One of the "I stopped and so can you" ended with "Um, I started again."

And it was harder to find others.  I don't know if this means the haters are going away, or just getting bored with having tiny audiences (or tiny somethings), or what.  I'm not sure I care, as long as they GO.

The other good news: the "crossdressing tips" or "crossdressing advice" or hormone sites or trans support sites always WAY outnumbered the idiots' sites.  And we're easy to find, when someone needs support or information.  Of course, being the internet, much of the information is wrong, but quality often improves with quantity.

And more good news: more and more transpeople are coming out and showing up EVERYWHERE.  Last week, one was on the cover of Time (which I could not get a copy of ~ more good news: people wanted to read about transpeople), on tv shows, in beauty pageants, and much more.  During Pride Week, a group in CA renamed itself to TLGB.  That's AWESOME.

I think we're going to face prejudice and hate; anyone who's perceived as different faces the same.  Other groups have been fighting for their rights much longer than we have, and still are oppressed in many ways.  We still need ENDA.

But things are looking up, and faster than I ever expected.  We're not at the "future's so bright, I gotta wear shades" level yet, but I see an exponential improvement.

Maybe I'm not ecstatic, but I'm certainly satisfied.

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Simple Pleasure ~ Simple Confusion

Yesterday, I wrote about how Facebook is allowing new gender choices.  The Washington Post had an article giving one definition of each of the Facebook terms.  I don't think there's agreement on these; it's more like Humpty Dumpty in Through the Looking Glass:

"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."
"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many different things."
"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master - - that's all.

In any event, you can see the full list of terms here and some idea of their meaning.  My problem is, you use a label for yourself and if your audience doesn't understand that label it's meaningless.  Bernie Sanders says he's a socialist, and that gives his voters certain expectations.  But the average citizen (not you guys ~ you're all way above average Lake Wobegon citizens) thinks President Obama is a socialist ~ if one said "based on what I know, I expect you to..." they'd be very wrong, either in their understanding of socialism or Obama.

So is "transwoman" or "transman" a ciswoman who transitioned to male?  What is "trans*?"  How do I address a gender fluid individual, especially an androgynous gender fluid person?  Does that even make sense?  How about "gender sloshing" instead of fluid?

Anyway, read the article "Confused by Facebook’s new gender options? Here’s what they mean", and hand out copies to your friends when they say "you're a what?"

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How to Catch My Eye ~ Real Changes!

(please read Friday's post and take the poll.  I hope to follow-up based on your comments and e-mails.  Start your comment with "private" if you don't want it posted.)

This is probably old news now but (from AP)...

SAN FRANCISCO — Facebook announced Thursday that its 159 million U.S. users now have dozens of options for completing the gender question on their profiles. The social media giant has been working with lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender rights groups to expand the choices beyond male and female. The result: a “custom” option that lets users pick from about 50 terms, including transsexual, androgynous and intersex.

Another AP article is here.

If you go to your Basic Information, you can select "Male," "Female," or "Custom" gender.  You can't just enter anything, although it looks as if you can't.  (So, sorry, "Fabulous" is not a gender choice.)

As you type you get a subset of possibilities.  Pick one ("gender questioning?" "transwoman?" "cis?") and you get a chance to add another.  Part-timers are limited to "trans*" or "gender fluid" perhaps; there is no "crossdressing" or "transvestite."  It seems like that's a gap, considering "androgynous" is allowed.  There is a "two spirit" (I like that) but no "pre-" or "post-op."  But they are discussing gender and calling it such.

I didn't see a way to list all choices, other than to try letters and see what shows up in the short list.  I went through several attempts before I saw "two spirit" and "neutrois."

There's also a privacy choice next to the gender selection.  You can choose who sees your label.  My first reaction was this is a direct affront to my "don't care" philosophy, but I can see people who are out or willing to be out to their friends and family but when a potential employer checks up on them they don't want to share their "non-binary" status.

If you don't like labels, there is an "Other" choice.

And can anyone explain what "neutrois" is?

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Follow-Up

Follow-up on Tyler.  I wrote about the Washington Post article on Tyler, the five-year-old transgender youth last week.

Petula Dvorak followed up her article in her regular column which begins:

I heard from transgendered senior citizens who lamented their decades living a lie.

I got e-mails from confused parents who had their aha moment when they read Tyler’s story.  

And sure, I heard from the haters. The Internet troll employment benefits package apparently doesn’t offer vacation days, so they’re always there.

 The short version: there seem to be an awful lot of FtMs out there.  I don't recall her specifically mentioning MtFs, but she left some ambiguous.  Maybe there's room for some education here.

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Exposure Is Good

You can't get more prominent coverage than this.  This is the Sunday Washington Post page 1.  Sundays are popular for "fluff" pieces: this can be written in advance, and no reporters have to work on the weekend to produce it.  But Sundays are also good because circulation is up ~ more exposure.

In the main article it sounds like the writer is being careful to balance information with family wishes for privacy.  My balance issue here is one between wanting this information to get out with the possibility that the parents might make their child's life harder by doing so.  It's not easy for you or I to judge how much information to let out about ourselves, our family, our friends.  The stakes go up when it's a child, of course.

I applaud  Ms Dvorak.  She wrote a thoughtful article, stayed away from the journalistic balance problem that pervades reporting today, where nonsense points of view are given equal weight to factual ones.  I also applaud the parents and hope they've been reading Raising My Rainbow.

A separate article on drug options for treating transgender issues was also in the paper.  I was a bit concerned when I saw that, but it's about puberty blockers and further hormone options, not something Merck created to "cure."

The video at the start of the article can be found here, and a photo gallery is here.

In other news, The Post had this article from the Associated Press.  The long-overdue headline: A decade later, researcher apologizes for study suggesting gays can go straight with therapy

It feels like a good weekend for the community.

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Sunday School Redux

I met with the principal who gave me a one-page summary of the class.  She said she sat in on the earlier session so she could see what it was about and give me a good review.

She never asked me what my interest was; she did thank me for my interest.  I did mention that, although I always discuss the class with my son, I had a particular interest in this class.

After class, I met with the teacher.  He went over what they covered although mostly I was interested in what my son thought of it.  He really had no good insight.  "Fine," "nothing negative," "he participated...."  Things of that nature.

Neither asked what my interest was, although I made it clear that I knew more than the average civilian, and had interest in this particular topic.

My son, for the record, pronounced the entire session "stupid."  He did like the previous one on Jewish ethics.

He didn't comment on the FtM guest, and I didn't ask specifically about him.

I'm thinking, while this is fresh in his mind, we should have a little talk, starting with "do you know anyone who's transgendered?"

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Or In School But not Attending Class

I'll be able to meet with the principal to go over the class material during class and with the teacher after class.  And I'll drive my son home and I always ask him about class, so that will be normal.

One interesting note: they will have a special guest ~ a former student who is now transitioning from F to M.

Meanwhile, my wife has "a request:" if anyone asks why I'm interested (the school personnel, or my son) I'm to not tell them.

I ignored her request.  If she presses for an answer, I'll tell her I make no promises.  I don't tell stories, so the only other answer is "I can't tell you."

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Or Not Back to School

The principal for the Sunday school suggested I not sit in on the class, citing the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle (although not in so many words)...  You know, the one about observing something changes it.  I had considered that, and I agree.  But I wrote back and said I'd like to meet with the teacher right after class because I'm interested in my son's reaction.

At 14, mine would have been threefold:
* turn bright read
* crawl under my desk
* die

But it's a different world, and my boy is a different person.  I don't want to make a big deal out of what might just be another boring Sunday school to him.  I don't want to make a big deal about any t-feelings he might have about himself, and I don't want to put myself in a position where I'm divulging myself to an unreceptive son.

I requested to meet with the teacher after the class, and with the principal during the class, so she can go over the materials with me.

This is very unexpected, and I'm definitely treating it as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.  I won't let it escape.

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Back to School

My 14 year old has Sunday School once a week (guess what day), from 6 to 8 pm.  The class is broken into three parts: a core subject (this semester, it's comparative religions), a pizza break, and an elective (this semester, he's taking "diversity").  The instructor sent an e-mail describing the final session topic in one line:

Trans 101.

Interesting.  I thought, I may want to drop him a note asking for details.  I guess other parents did because I received a follow-up e-mail:

Subject: Trans 101 explanation
Hi All,

I hope this e-mail finds you well. Next week's topic will be on Transgender topics and Judaism.

The topics of the presentation will be:
- The Gingerbread person diagram discussing gender identity, gender expression, biological sex, and sexual orientation
- The Trans umbrella
- Terminology
- Gender pronouns
- Video clips of the Schmekels and Joy Ladin (Transgender Jews)
- Transgender policies and programs in the Jewish faith
- Transgender etiquette
- Transgender Jews
- Transgender Rabbis
- Resources

Please let me know if you have any questions regarding this presentation.

Well, yeah.  I have a question.  I wrote "Can I sit in on the class?"

I'm waiting for an answer.