Back In The Closet

By Saturday, July 7, Meg had pretty much taken over the house.

An upstairs bedroom had a table.  Her makeup was on the table, ready for a dry run before going out.  Tops and skirts to try on, as well as a dozen or so dresses, were hanging in that closet.  She put aside looking at tops and skirts so she could find a dress for Wednesday and Friday, when she'd be out.

The basement had the rest of her stuff: a drawer full of panties, more clothes in the closet including a copious number of camisoles waiting to be tried on.

And so on.

I was definitely enjoying this freedom, which definitely improved my overall mood and outlook on life.

Then the homeowner called.  His college-age daughter would be staying Sunday and Monday.  "You can stay, of course," he said.  "No I can't," I said.

So Sunday morning involved rapid fire dress and shoe try-ons, followed by The Packing of Meg.

Some stuff made a one-way trip.  Skirts and tops I like mostly stayed at the house.  I don't need 25 or more of each ~ I'm not going out that much, and I have more that I haven't reviewed yet.  I brought back five skirts and two tops.  I don't know why I didn't leave more dresses, but maybe I'm more hopeful that I can get out more.  I'm more likely to wear a dress than an outfit.  I just love them more.

Most items stayed in the car.  And now I'm back in the drawers/closets/etc and I did get out last week, so it wasn't horrible.

Yesterday....

I stopped at my "real" home to make dinner for my son and pick up a couple of things I needed ~ part of the "bills you have to pay for living yesterday."

I also picked up a big box of shoes.  My toe is deemed "cured."  I hope to make an appointment for next week to get my back waxed, brows waxed, a manicure, and, of course, a pedicure.  And I picked up the last box with clothing in it.  It is full of the rest of my skirts and the rest of my camis.  I still have dozens of dresses at the house.  I'm not sure if there's some meaning behind that.

I also saw my EAP therapist.  We talked relationship; I brought up dressing.  I explained the care-don't care continuum.  I told her a possible outcome would be I lose Meg and we all live happily ever after.  She seemed surprised that I would even consider that.  So I explained "purging" and how it's pretty common among crossdressers.  Except this would be more than just a purge.  And there's a problem: I certainly wouldn't be the first t-girl who said "I can live without her" and was wrong.  In fact, there's an incredibly slim possibility that I would be the first t-girl who said "I can live without her" and was right.

The therapist had an excellent idea: we (the wife and I) should sit down together and decide what we both want and how to get there.

Except I need to find myself first, I think.

Yes, I definitely need to do that.

I think.

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Not Quite 27 Dresses ~ 22 Packages

As I mentioned I unpacked 22 boxes and bags.  Yes, that seems like a lot for six weeks, but I expect to bring even more.

Here's a partial list of what came with me on Sunday:

Bags:
* nighties
* bras
* videotapes.  I have a lot and I'd like to see what I want to transfer to a more durable medium or buy anew.
* camisoles, socks, panties
* dresses (2 bags, 14 total)
* epilator and razors
* hose
* socks
* makeup (huge bag)
* tops (all items from freecycle or swaps)
* boy clothes.  Four pairs of slacks, five shirts.  I do plan to bring more.

Boxes:
* boobs
* wigs
* "drag bag" (2 boxes)
* assorted panties, jewelry, purses, etc
* shoes
* stuff to read/do

And my computer and other items that go with it.

I had labelled boxes before I went.  I put a code on each and carried a sheet with what's inside.  I realised I had a lot of stuff so I peeked inside box B2 and saw skirts.  I thought it was my box of skirts and I decided I could get that in a few days.  Then, after I arrived, I looked at my sheet.  B2 has skirts, some jewelry and  all of my bathroom stuff.  Ah well.  I have learned that I'm very good at keeping organised, not so good at reviewing what I've done.  In some ways I expect it.  In fact, I except to do a lot of stream-of-consciousness writing while I'm here.  I do not expect to ever read any of it.

So, you may be wondering why I brought so much Meg stuff.  I expect to come home with a lot less.  I want to try on outerwear and shoes and bring home what fits/is appropriate/I think I'll wear out of the house and swap the rest.  I plan to have two bags for underwear and socks: to launder, to toss.

It's a tall order, and it's far from my primary mission.  Wish me luck.

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Lots Going On Here

As I mentioned yesterday, two things are happening:
* my wife and son are at the beach until Thursday, and
* I'll be housesitting for six weeks starting this weekend.

There's also a third thing: I decided I needed to talk to someone on my own so for the first time ever I took advantage of our company EAP and contacted a therapist.  (EAP is "employee assistance program" and they supply limited visits with therapists or lawyers, depending on what sort of problems you have).  Our first meeting was Monday; my regular "couples" session was just me, on Tuesday.  Yes, I feel like I should be in a lot worse shape to have two therapists in back-to-back sessions.

I'll focus on my current "free days" and a bit of t-packing today. I'll cover both therapy sessions tomorrow, and talk more about the housesitting and prep on Friday.

The beach
As I also mentioned, this is usually a Meg event.  My wife takes our son(s) to the beach a couple of times each summer.  This is her vacation; she takes a friend and her son(s) and the boys entertain each other while the moms have some girl time.

I usually take one or two days off and Meg goes out.  It's usually a shopping day.  Lately, I've been less interested in shopping and more interested in doing something or meeting someone.... Someone from the community, I mean.  I'm not stepping out on my wife as Meg.

But I'm still in I-can't-wear-most-shoes mode.  I'm wearing sandals to work.  With socks, to make them a tad less noticeable (note: girl socks are thinner than boy socks.  It's kind of noticeable in sandals).  For the record, my sandals are girl sandals.

And I have nowhere special to go.  And I don't have vacation time built up.  And I need to suck my manager's brain dry before he heads to Colorado.

T-packing
So my evenings are spent getting ready.

I've ripped my closet apart.  My initial thought was, bring everything Meg, but now I'm not so sure.  There's a lot of stuff, and I do have other things to do while away, in addition to playing with clothes!  First and foremost, figure out how to bring myself back to life so when I get home I'll be a better and happier spouse and father and human.

So I'm thinking, I probably have almost 50 EACH of dresses, tops, skirts.  I'll be gone for 42 days.

Should I limit myself to "likely outfits?"  Should I bring some things I know won't work or won't fit, with plans to get rid of them (a clothing swap is coming up)?  Should I bring all in the expectation that I'll shave everything well enough/close enough to wear even sleeveless outfits?

I have to choose among panties, socks, hose, shoes, tops, skirts, dresses, camis, bras....  I think for makeup and jewelry I'll bring all and have a "sorting night" when I decide what to keep/what to toss.  My jewelry is mostly junk; I don't spend a lot of money on myself.  Some of my makeup is rather old.

Here's what I'm thinking, and I'd love your input on each:
* panties: bring all.  I generally change at night, after my shower.  I can put on a "questionable" pair and if I don't like them in the morning, change and toss
* socks: bring all.  I can toss what doesn't feel right or is torn either before or after work
hose: bring nude/taupe.  No black hose or tights for the summer.  I may bring a pair of suspenders and stockings
* shoes: bring all.  Try a pair a day, for at least an hour of standing a day, and get rid (swap) of the ones that are too uncomfortable
* bras: I'm really of three minds: (a) bring 3-4 I really like only, (b) add 3-4 that are iffy, (c) bring all?
* camis: bring all.  I need to sort by "good for girl" and "good for boy" and "good for either."  Higher neck = * girl, lower neck = boy
* tops, skirts, dresses: I'm really not sure.

HELP ME!  I want to pack everything into boxes later today.

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Travel Day!

Yesterday, I flew out to Tucson again for a few days at Sierra Vista, AZ.  Before returning home, I'll spend a day in Tucson, yes, as Meg.  I have a couple of ideas, but I'm going to keep them to myself right now.

As usual, I not only overpacked for Meg, but I added some last-minute things as well.  To make room, I didn't bring regular camisoles for work, and I skipped one regular shirt.  I'll have to double up or buy a polo (women's?) shirt before I go home.  I also skipped on contact solution, shaving gel, and Nair.  I picked those things up in Arizona, and they'll stay here when I go home, unless I miraculously find room.

The last-minute extras included another lipgloss, some new eyeshadows, an eyeliner pencil (my old one was getting small), and my watch (yay!  I thought I misplaced it!)  This is on top of jewelry for at least three outings, lipsticks for at least four sets of lips, too much gloss, a variety of eye shadows, two pairs of shoes....  I think I need to have a locker here with an extra set of my clothes and stuff.  Maybe I can leave some things with a Tucson friend and pick everything up when I arrive here.

For one evening and one day, I have two skirts, two tops, and a dress.  Friday night, if all goes as planned, will be a dress event.  And I may check out the thrift and inexpensive clothing shops, looking for alternatives.  And maybe I'll check out Dillard's too.

I was a little nervous yesterday.  Not because I wore flowery socks, which I always do on travel days (hey, if I'm taking my shoes off I want my socks to look good!).  Not because I wore a lacy camisole under my (women's denim) shirt.

I've been wearing clear lip gloss.  Before I left the house, I put on a non-clear lip gloss.  MAC "Viva Glam V," which is close to my natural lip colour but definitely glossy.  Glossy glossy.  More glossy than what I've been wearing.  I figured, I'm on a plane with strangers.  I'm in an office I haven't been to in three months.  People will not even notice.  I checked in at my hotel before going to the office and touched up the gloss.  And I got nervous again.  I think I was nervous because I wasn't ready for what I was going to say:

major story: "It's a new chapstick thing.  I don't think I'll use THAT again!"
minor story: "Really?  Glossy?  Really?"
no story: "It's lipgloss.  I think it looks good."

I think I have to go with no story.  It's the only way I can look at myself in the mirror.  And admire my glossy lips.

By the way, nobody noticed.  So far.

I'm afraid I'm going to escalate this to the point where I'm coming to the office wearing fishnets under my pants, an unpadded bra, and lipstick, blush, and mascara.

That's a lie.  I'm not really afraid.  I'm just wondering where it's going to go from here.

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Did I Mention That I Overpacked?

There was no way in the world that I was going to be able to stuff my regular shoes into my bag.  I bought a huge duffel bag while in Arizona.  It folds pretty flat, and the idea was that I would pack it into my regular luggage when travelling out and put my overflow in the bag when travelling back.  I mean, there are two consignment shops right near my office, plus stores like Marshalls.  I wonder if they have a different selection than they do in Virginia, but I haven't had a chance to go in yet.

With the skirts I bought, and the panty I mentioned, and the fact that I couldn't pack around the breast form boxes like I did when heading out my bag was completely stuffed.  Every little pocket was packed, and I could barely close the zippers on the main compartment.  I put a little overflow into my computer bag.  I dumped papers I could reprint at my home office, even though I hate wasting paper.  I left behind a half-full bottle of Nair, and a can of shaving gel I bought in Sierra Vista.

And I had two choices when I left Tucson: I could pack a lot of stuff into the duffel and probably have to check it, or I could pack a little into it and it'll flop around like a pea in a pillowcase.  As flat as I could make it, the duffel wouldn't fit in my suitcase or my computer bag.  So I took the other choice: I left it in the hotel room.  I hope someone on the staff made good use of it.  Maybe my friend A.

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Prep (Continued)

Sometimes, dressing takes precedence over common sense. If you've been reading this blog for a bit, you know that's true for me. It may be true for you as well.

Tuesday, after I wrote my Wednesday morning post, I did a couple of things.

I Took a Little Risk

No need for lawyers, guns, and money though. I took a little break from work and went to the Goodwill store. The Goodwill store is about a hundred paces from my office. Remember I said I maybe wanted to find a skirt that would fit better than the black one and would go with the purple top? I picked up three for about $12.  Believe it or not, there are three more I wanted to buy but I left them on the rack.  If I was smart, I would have bought a brown or black top instead.

So I not only had to hope I wouldn't run into one of my coworkers either in or near the store, since I had parked right in front of the office I had to walk the length of the parking lot with a bag that said "Goodwill" on it. Mission accomplished though.

I Broke the Bank

In a manner of speaking. My luggage is full to bursting. I overpacked, and now I have that panty and three more skirts. I went to the mall after work to see if I can get something light, foldable, nylon, and zippered to put my overflow in and, in the future, bring with me to handle overflow. A strap like a shoulder bag would be fine. I can put clothes in it and bring it on the plane without wondering if my suitcase will explode.

Part of the problem is my forms. My old ones are failing rapidly, and I think it's because of my taking them to see the country. I put them in plastic bags, but they're soft silicone and the thin plastic shell is separating from said silicone and they're not the wonderful boobs they used to be.

I mentioned a few months ago that I bought replacements. They each come in a cardboard box with a hard plastic insert to hold them in place. These take up a lot of room in my suitcase, so I haven't brought the boxes before. This time, I had a brilliant idea so I brought them, in their boxes.

I took out the plastic insert and put the form into the insert. I packed some panties around the concave side of the form so they wouldn't collapse if placed upside down. Then I placed the box over the plastic insert, so it's held into the "bottom" of the box. Then I put more undies and other soft small items around the convex part of the form. So now, I can use the box to store not only the form but some clothes as well!

They travelled well, but I hadn't thought it through. I have less clean clothes to pack around the forms on my way home. Hence, the search for a little extra bag, for the clothes I can no longer pack into the forms box.

I looked in the small mall on Tuesday after work, but found nothing. Next up: Walmart, Target, Kmart, all near the office.

I Overdid It

My "waist training" became too much too soon. Around 1030, I moved the belt another notch tighter.  In the evening, I measured: my normally 34" belt was notched down to 31". By 1230, I realised I had overdone it and I had to back off. This sort of influenced my decision to head for Goodwill and another skirt.

Also

Tuesday, I felt crappy.  For some reason, after getting only four hours of sleep Sunday night, I decided to make up for it by only sleeping for four hours Monday night.  After 300 I just could not fall back asleep.  I'll feel better by the weekend!

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I Just Realised

I'm committed to the weekend.  I have NO extra clothes that are Non-Meg.  And I decided to not bring a handbag this trip.  Mine are black or brown.  I need something summerier.  I hope I can get something inexpensive in Sierra Vista!

What's Wrong With This Picture

My bag is packed. My bag is packed solid. Most of it is Meg's stuff.

I wrote a quick list while I had a few minutes the other day. Here's what I am bringing for Meg:

wig
brush
makeup
bra
hose
shoes
slip
contacts+cleaner
makeup remover
jewelry
purse

Not bad for a quick list, right? Fortunately I figured out what I was missing before I left home.
I think Meg would have gotten a lot of looks without it!

Out in the West Texas Town of El Paso....

...I got dressed up like a Mexican girl.

Apologies to Marty Robbins, and I wrote more (and it gets worse) but I like my readers and won't inflict it on you.

Reservations have been made.

My flight to El Paso leaves at 7.45 AM next Monday and arrives a little after noon.
My flight from El Paso leaves at 7.25 AM Thursday and arrives around 3pm at Washington National Airport. Travel, work, work, travel.

This means Meg will not be flying out ~ I'd have to find a safe changing place at 3AM and figure out what to tell my wife. It also means odds are very low that Meg will be flying back. I'd still have to get dressed in the middle of the night and, although my wife will be at the beach that day, she's talking about leaving my oldest home. That means changing somewhere along the way. I was thinking I could open the garage from the cab and make a quick entrance into the house, but not with a child potentially at home! I'll travel again I'm sure. Unless the job search pans out.

So what about Meg in Texas?

My first thought was, leave her home (except for maybe sleepwear, my absolute minimum). My week looks like this:

Monday: travel
Tuesday: work with customer. He says he gets in at 6, which I can do, but because there will be other people I need to work with we may start later, or I may need to stay later.

Tuesday eve: follow-up to work done that day, and prep for the next. On a short trip like this, evenings are usually taken up with work.

Wednesday: work with customer. There's a lot to do in two days (I've spec'd out 20 hours and I'm not done) so I'll probably be there into the evening. Probably.

Wednesday eve: maybe I can get some down time. If we finish at a reasonable time.

Thursday: travel

Well, that leaves Monday afternoon/evening open for sure.

Except I like to take my first alone day to do prep work: shaving or other hair removal mostly. I can try to do much of that at home. It may be tricky though.

And when I'm in a new city, I like to scope out the places I'm going first. I don't want to go into a teen hangout mall. Or a cowboy-infested restaurant. (No offense intended to cowboys ~ I just don't think they'll approve of me.)

But if I can get in my car by 1, I can travel to a nearby mall, see if it looks friendly, and I'd easily have time to change and go out and maybe shop. Maybe I'll get over my eating-alone-as-Meg phobia.

And if it's not friendly, or I'm too tired to go out, I can still enjoy my evening in my room. Maybe dinner. Maybe, if anyone's interested, I will bring my netbook or a webcam and we can video IM. Let me know soon, if you wanna. I have packing to do!

Shirts, shoes, toothbrush, cel phone...
Panties, hose, heels, bra, pads, purse, dress, slip, cinch, makeup, jewelry, wig, wig brush...

Where's that list I posted a few weeks ago?

Packing for Two, Part Two

When Meg is staying home:

(shirt, undies, socks) x number of days
little bag with toothbrush, toothpaste, nail clippers, tweezer. Shaver
shoes I'm wearing. An extra pair of pants for each few days I'll be away.

Sometimes, easy isn't always better. In this case it's certainly less fun.

The Monday prediction is for 90 at my local airport, 81 and thunderstorms where I land. I hope the flight isn't delayed or re-routed!

Packing for Two

I had a little time this evening so I started to get everything I'll need for the hotel transformation ready. It's a big, heavy bag and it doesn't even include clothes!

Purse: empty for now, but it'll get my driver's license, credit cards, cash, health and auto insurance cards (with that important 24 hour service number), tissues, glasses, contact case, some makeup, and my camera with extra batteries.
makeup: blush, eyeliner pencil, pencil sharpener, several eye shadow shades, foundation, powder, cover stick, lipstick, lip liner, lipstick brush, makeup brushes, eyebrow pencil, eyelash curler, eyelash comb, eyebrow brush.
hair: wig, wig brush. I loathe wig caps. The wig is airing out right now. I bought some wig shampoo but it was nasty.
bling: my lapus bracelets/necklace, but I think I'll wear a gold bracelet and black necklace. The earrings are gold + black so that might work. Plus, a couple of rings. And sunglasses.
can't forget: nail polish remover, eye makeup remover, contact lens solution + extra case

Not yet in the bag: razor, blades, shaving cream, tweezer, contact lens. I noticed one has a black smudge that won't go away. If it insists on not going away, I'll replace it. I hope I have another pair! And my watch, but I have to get a battery first.

Next, I have to make a bag with essentials: panties, cinch, hose (2-3 pair, just in case), slip, 2 pair shoes (my flats and my 9-to-5s ~ I'm still not sure which I'll wear), bra, forms, top, and skirt.

I know I'm forgetting something! Other than to calm down. I keep forgetting that. And to sleep. I've been getting four hours a night, then I wake and think and plan and forget to sleep.