Monday, February 20, 2012

Let Me Be Frank. Or At Least Francine

I'm on a journey.  But it's a poorly-defined journey.  Someone said "just follow that road and you'll get there."

So that's what I'm doing.  Except now, someone (same person?) put up a big sign that says "DETOUR" and I think I need to follow the detour.  I think the main road is closed.

I've taken detours that are well defined and well lit and get me where I want to go without too much lost time.  I've taken detours that are just a sign and it's up to me to figure out how to get back on the main road.  I've taken detours that fit somewhere in the middle.

But any time I take a detour, I expect a bumpy road ahead.

So welcome to my detour.  I don't know if it'll last a month or six or more.  I'll be doing what I do, and writing about it regularly but sometimes I'll be talking about this detour.  I think the journey is about to become more interesting and less predictable.  And maybe it'll help someone to not make my mistakes when they see that DETOUR sign.

Here's the road leading to the detour:

During a rare dinner with the wife, she brought up the subject of my dressing.

Let me go back a bit more.
On the ride out, she was talking about how she wanted to go to therapy to help her deal with her mother better and asked if I wanted to come along because "it can also help our marriage."  I declined.  Her mother is in an assisted living facility now and not doing well.  I didn't see how that would help our marriage; I'm guessing she was looking at bringing up other topics but....

Anyway, during dinner, she asked if there was anything else I wanted to do with my dressing (she specifically mentioned implants).  I said no (specifically to that) because, although I'd like to know what it's like to have breasts I'd be more likely to glue on forms to see how it feels.  I told her that.  I also said I wasn't interested in hormones (I volunteered that).  I also mentioned that I eschew admirers.  After I explained what they were, she asked if I had no ties if I would go out with one.  I said absolutely not ~ I explained that I had been approached for "just dinner" and although it would be interesting as a girl thing, it was way too dangerous.  She dropped the subject.

If she wanted to start a dialogue, I saw no reason to be less than forthcoming, although I did not mention that what I feel is subject to change.  I implied it though: in response to her asking if what I enjoyed was dressing or going out (or both) I did mention that what I felt in the past (dressing at home is OK) has changed (now, it's not very satisfying).  I mentioned that it's not the sexual thing it once was, and I offered my internal (ts) vs external (tv) ideas.

I just want to mention that, in the past, she has expressed little interest in my clothes, seeing me dressed, or even seeing a picture of me dressed.  She has said that she "can't understand" why we'd want to be addressed with female pronouns when dressed.

She also asked if I ever had any "bad experiences" while dressed.  I said the worst was a woman stared at me at the mall.  I mentioned that most people I know had only good experiences, but others weren't so lucky, and I want to go to this year's Transgender Day of Remembrance dressed, but didn't mention any other plans.

I mentioned going out in Tucson and she asked how many T-people I knew there.  I said I spoke with three or four, but haven't met all of them yet.  She asked how many I knew locally, and I said I've corresponded with a group I haven't met, and I've met some at clothing swaps ~ I didn't know the number.  I mentioned Vanessa, who I had dinner with a few months ago.  She said she didn't know about that; I said she did, because I tell her everything.  Well, almost.  But it's easy to remember the one thing I haven't told her (flying to Kansas).

She acknowledged that it was lonely, hiding what I do.  I said "well, that's not going to change, is it?"  She thought I meant I wasn't going to change.  I corrected that to that "she wouldn't change."  She agreed that that wouldn't happen.  Ah well.

Then she brought up therapy again so "we could discuss it."  I said the last time we went to couples therapy (a brief few visits) I wasn't to talk about it.  She said she was inviting me to go with her and talk about it.

This is good.  I agreed.

I will be happy to go with her and talk about how I feel, and how unhappy it makes me to hide myself and my stuff and we'll see where this detour leads.  I've wanted to talk to her about this for a while, and this is a good opportunity.

I'm looking forward to the detour.


  1. This could be more than a detour--this could be a brand new major highway. Based on discussions I've seen on line, most family counselors/therapists today are pretty OK with cross-dressing and do not view it as a perversion. If this person can help your wife come to terms with Meg, it may lead to a far better life for you.

    Good luck.

  2. This ma not be the detour, but the main road at last! From what you have said in the past I would take this as a very positive step forward, after all your wife was the one who raised the subject and wants to talk about it. Doing this together can only help your marriage and therefore you. I am actually a little envious

  3. Oh Meg, bless you both. Boundaries are good for everyone. Talking is good for everyone. Detours are good for everyone. When they are mutual.

    Many (many, many)years ago I pushed against undefined boundaries and lost a marriage. I asked to talk and was told that I had the problem so I should go see someone to talk about my gender issues by myself. My detour ended up with two sad damaged people by themselves detouring separately.

    This detour sounds like a great opportunity for both of you. Do look forward to it and embrace it. And please let us all know what you are comfortable with sharing. Supportive hugs from afar!

  4. Sounds like a great dialog, not just detour. It appears that while your wife is working with this therapist she wants to explore her relationship with Meg. As I wrote to you in the past, soon 10-15 years from now you will retire, and then, it would be nice to know where and how Meg is going to “fit” in. Establishing a routine of allowing Meg to go do things a few times a week or month, (meeting at tgroups etc.) with her understanding that it’s not to be considered deceiving as in hiding, cheating etc. More just something you like to do that she likely would probably not want to participate in. Of course, if you wish to go to A Fantasy Fair – she might enjoy just the trip and go along! You can work to point where you could have the best of both worlds!

  5. Go with the flow.
    ~It is as important for you to know how your wife really feels about your dressing as it is for her to be able to put your dressing into terms that she can contemplate.
    Good luck

  6. It sounds to me as though your partner is starting from a place of curiosity and concern. There is a willingness to listen. This is a better foundation than most operate from. So jolly good for you both.

    Looking forward to good news and surprising findings too.

    Best wishes - Petra

  7. This is an opportunity that some of us would kill for. Not only an invitation to talk about the "other", but with an impartial moderator. I don't see a downside. Your wife seems to be recognizing the inevitability of Meg at last. Grab hold and enjoy the ride.


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