Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Abort! Abort!

I almost didn't go out Thursday.  As I said, my schedule got just a bit messed up.  I wanted to leave at 5 but I had a conference call at 5 instead.  There was No Way I was going to stay at the office for the call.  First, there was really nothing I could do at that point, other than convert coffee to urine and miss my Meg time.  Second, I had plans, and I wanted to keep those plans.  I even left the office a bit earlier than I expected.

Once I was back in my room, I wanted to change so I could take my time and still be ready to leave right after the call, but I just couldn't get started.  I don't know why.  I felt nervous, which I thought was a thing of the past.  I was figdety; if I sat down I noticed I was standing and pacing without knowing when or how or why I jumped up.  I kept looking at the clock, knowing I had to get ready but I wasn't getting ready.

It was almost like a panic attack.  I had one once, under different circumstances.  I dealt with it by not doing what was panicking me.  It was to be a recurring event; I never did it again.  I felt bad because I had skipped out on an obligation, but I felt calm which was more important than anything at that moment.

I did know I had two options: decide it was a Bad Idea to go out that day and stay in my room, or start my Meg transformation.  As soon as I do that first step that is a Meg-only step, it's a frieght train.  I've never stopped in the middle (well, once, when someone walked into my house.  I don't think I told that story!) although there's a switch and a siding at the end of the transformation.  I look in the mirror as critically as I can and decide if I want to stay on track or turn onto a siding and spend a peaceful day indoors.  I don't recall ever taking the siding, although I've been tempted.

I finally shaved close with my electric razor, went over my arms and legs and hands for the last time, showered, and did a final facial once-over with a hand razor.  At that point, I could feel no hair but I still felt nervous.

I put on my moisturiser.  The train had left the station.

I thought my eyeliner looked horrid, I did a poor job with my eye primer (which is tinted so it's important to colour within the lines), and couldn't decide on a lipstick and lip gloss (I should only bring one.  Sometimes, I'm not good at decisions). 

It was almost five and I was still in my slip.

My salmon-coloured skirt was wrinkled.  I liked the top-and-black skirt combination I had.  The black skirt was the one I considered for my last outing, and the top is the one here.

I decided on the dress I had brought instead.  I thought the neckline was a bit high (especially considering all of the shaving I had done!), and, yes, it was another black-and-white outfit, but I liked it and it looked nice and I felt pretty, and pretty good, once my hair was in place.

After the conference call, which I made as Meg with an un-Meg voice, I put on my earrings and necklace and bracelet and heels.  I made sure everything I needed was in my purse.  While I was fidgeting earlier I make a stack of money, insurance cards, driver's license, credit cards, room key, car key, camera, so it would all be ready for the purse.  All I needed was a bit of makeup in case I wanted to do a touch-up.  I never have, because that would require a trip to the ladies' room.  Maybe someday I'll sit at a table or on a bench in the mall and touch up my lipstick there.  I love watching women put on makeup.  I could be one of those women!  For the record, I just had this thought while I'm writing.  I need to figure out if I really think it's a Good Idea, or just an idea.

I walked out of the room into the (empty) hallway, down to the first floor in the (empty) elevator, across a sparsely populated lobby and out to my car, which was parked on the side of the building.  A couple of cars away, a man was leaning on his car, smoking a cigarette, looking at me.  I glanced but did not look.  When I was pulling out I glanced ~ he was still looking.

I drove to the mall.  The train was still on track and only a little behind schedule.

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