After I brought up going on my expedition this weekend, my wife's main response was "we'll bring this up on Tuesday." My unspoken thought was "do I need permission from the therapist?"
Much of the hour was spent on t-issues. My wife professes to worry about me, because bad things do happen to us, but it's more, I think, about her. She said she was worried about something happening to me, although in this instance, I'd be part of a group I'd even feel comfortable coming out to. But her first comment was "it's on the campus where our son goes to school. They'll see your name. They'll know his name." Which is baloney: except coincidentally, there will not be teachers or classmates, and I'd try and get credentials that say "Meg," not my male name.
She did ask if I ever worried, and I admitted I did ~ so I did as much as I could to mitigate problems. Whenever possible, I scope out the area first. I avoid iffy areas or unfriendly natives. I also said I was much more nervous when I first started going out than I am now.... I'm in more familiar territory. Stana said much the same in yesterday's post. She said she's worried about going to her law school reunion because it's unchartered territory.
My wife was also concerned that I'd run into people I know. I said that could happen, but I could also avoid those people if necessary. Between us, I wasn't planning on avoiding people I know. Some are peers, some are well-known.
A few of odd points:
My wife kept wanting to go back to the "origin" of my dressing. I told her I didn't care what the origins are. I spent a lot of time thinking about it and reading about it and decided it's unimportant. She feels otherwise.
She also kept going back to my "shame" at dressing up. She firmly believes I do this so I can be humiliated and laughed at by others. She said "how do you know people aren't laughing behind your back?" I said "either they are and I don't hear them so for me it's not happening, or they're not and it's not happening. Either way, the result is the same and I don't lose sleep over it." I said "and if I decided I wanted to play golf instead of dress up, you'd think I did it so I could be humiliated by hitting balls into water hazards and shamed when I miss four-foot putts."
And, more troubling to me than any of the t-items, the therapist asked if I ever worried about her. I said I did, and I gave several examples and my wife said "I'm not sure I believe him." I asked several different ways, to make sure she knew what she was saying and how I was taking it. She stayed with it.
There has always been trust. Now I'm not so sure. Eventually I said sarcastically, "I understand because I lie constantly."
I find that very troubling.
Notes on the weekend: first, in yesterday's post I meant the doctor removed half of my toenail, not toe. And I forgot one other item that worried me: I don't know what people wear to this. I suspect it's business casual.
I also think it is possible I will be more out than I plan. I also expect there to be newspaper coverage there.
It is an Event.
It is an Event.