Wednesday, June 30, 2010

And the Winner Is....


 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


(f) none of the above.

After I picked five "finalists" for the clothing swap, I was putting away the dresses I didn't try on and came across the one pictured here. I've always liked it, but the sleeves are a bit shorter than I wanted.

But I like it. So I shaved a little further than I have in the past, and here it is.

I noticed when I tried it on that it's very clingy and shows every lingerie line clearly. To keep the cinch from showing through, I wore a full slip (like that was an ordeal ~ I think gurls like slips more than girls do). At the end of the day, I took off the cinch and noticed that the dress kind of clings to the top but not the waist, which meant I didn't even need the darn thing! When it's 97 degrees (and you're waiting for the tire changer guy) losing that extra piece of clothing would have been a Good Thing. And I noticed that the hem of my slip is showing in this picture. I'm so embarrassed!

And I wish I could've traded for the blue dress standing next to me (Hi, Melanie!)

Click on either picture for a larger version.

Which reminds me of the first time I ever went out. I was with Wanda, the makeup artist who had just made me up and helped me choose my clothes, accessories, shoes. We were driving the a shop and she said "let me hear what your girl voice sounds like." I declined to try, because I was embarrassed by my voice. I was driving and thinking "wait a second. I just let this woman make up my face and I'm dressed as a girl and I'm out in public and I'm embarrassed to let her hear my voice?" But I didn't feel comfortable doing it. Weird, I know.

I still hate my voice but I'm no longer Harpo Marx.

That's me, in late 2004.

I AM Trying!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I Had A Dream

Last night I dreamt that I was trying to get a cel phone from freecycle. I replied to the offer of a free phone, then went to the neighborhood the offerer said he lived at, not waiting to see if I was going to get the phone. I never heard of the neighborhood in waking life, but in the dream I knew exactly where it was. The area looked very like a neighborhood in the hills near the Hollywood sign.

There were two of me there. I knew both were me. My male self was there, although looking younger than I do now. My female self was there as well, also looking younger (and thinner and with longer hair and wearing a cute top and very full short skirt). My name was not Meg; it was Lindsay. I thought this was odd, but not very odd. I thought it odder that I wanted a cel phone.

The guy who was offering the phone showed up, but I didn't know it was him and he didn't know I was waiting to hear from him to see if I was chosen. We chatted a bit and my male self decided to go get something from the car (it was parked at the bottom of the hill). The dream followed my male self, and ended there.

A few days before I decided to fly as Meg, I opened a fortune cookie. It read "your dearest dream is coming true".

This morning I was talking to a co-worker who said her daughter was having problems finding an apartment while she went to graduate school. She's talked about her daughter's grad school angst before. She had never mentioned her name. Today she did.

It was Lindsay.

Monday, June 28, 2010

I Figured It Out!

I should have called yesterday's piece It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Worst of Times.

I want to recap my conversation with my wife last night, at least the relevant parts.

We never really talk about Meg going out, but I always obliquely refer to it and she understands. If she'll be away for a few hours, I might say "give me some notice before you come home" and she'll know I'm dressing around the house.

I told her that there is a clothing swap on Sunday, and I would be helping out my friend Kim there. She knew what I meant. If I was going in drab, I would've said that. If I think she might not have caught my meaning (if I said I'm going shopping, perhaps) I might say "I'll try to make sure no-one sees me leave" and she'll understand. She can absorb and ignore this. If I said "I'm going to wear a dress and heels and go shopping today" she'd have more trouble ignoring it.

I spoke to her on the phone, after the swap.

me: on the way home from the swap, a tire exploded. I'm fine, the car's fine.
she: were you dressed?
me: I was coming home from the swap.
she: what did you do?
me: I called geico, waited in the car for an hour, and had them change the tire.

I didn't mention that I tried to keep a low profile ~ I didn't want some nice gentleman to tap on my window and say "can I help you ma'am"? That might be embarrassing, for him. I was glad it was the curb side tire so passing cars couldn't see it. There was little foot traffic. I didn't mention any of the details I mentioned here. You ladies understand, and I truly cherish that.

Some more this 'n' that....

In yesterday's post I said Audrey did my nails. Angela. Her name was Angela. And it took me a good hour with acetone nail polish remover (the non-acetone did nothing) and soaking and several q-tips to get it all off. I shall pack acetone remover and lots of q-tips for my trip.

And one really weird thing. I've shared a lot of my inner self with this blog and all of you, and I hesitate to mention this because it's really weird and not girl-related, but it happened while dressed and even now I'm thinking of just deleting this paragraph and not saying. But here goes.

I was on a straight stretch of highway when the tire blew. I was watching the road in front of me. Suddenly, I saw the car from above the right side, just behind. There was a pop and a cloud of black that came from the right rear tire. I noticed my right wheel was right no the white line.

The whole thing lasted a fraction of a second. I didn't believe I saw what I saw. Now I do but I don't understand it. I can't explain it.

Maybe dressing gives me super-powers. :) Wouldn't that be the greatest thing ever?

Sunday, June 27, 2010

????

I don't know how to title today's piece.


"The Clothing Swap" or "Out and About" or "A Good Day In A Dress" don't tell the whole story.

"Unexpected Civilian Encounter" ~ travelling will have LOTS of those, but sometimes there's an encounter neither of you expects. I had one. But that's not the most important thing.

"Catastrophe" ~ yeah, that was my first thought, but it wasn't one, really. It's just an unexpected occurrance that can be handled. Handling it is a good lesson. And I was laughing about it before I arrived home.

"Inconvenience" ~ well, that's certainly milder than catastrophe, but it was more than that. Maybe it was an opportunity.

Skip the swap stuff if you want to get to the interesting stuff. Or read my blather and be patient. I spent a lot of time thinking about what to write.

The Swap

I left about on time today, so I could get to Safeway and then the swap and be there at 11.30, when I said I'd arrive to help set up.

I stopped at a Safeway to get soda and ice for the swap. Soda was easy; I picked up 5 ($5 instead of $1.69 each) but couldn't find ice. I went to the service desk and a man came up and said "yes, ma'am, can I help you?" so I asked for ice and that, as they say, was that. One woman I had a close encounter with gave me a big smile. She was wearing slacks and a very pretty black-and-white blouse, and I like to think she was either smiling at my dress or maybe at my nerve. It certainly was a wide smile. I had to "excuse me" to a couple of other women as I negotiated the store. The cashier asked how I was. I said "great. How are you?" instead of just cutting the conversation off.

I arrived at the swap before anyone else so I opened up, brought in the soda and ice and clothes and waited about 10 minutes for Kim. Her co-host is a rarity ~ a cd with an understanding wife (she was there too). She (the co-host) wore a white mini and looked great.

In addition to clothes and food, there was a woman who did hair and nails, a lovely Korean lady named Audrey. There was also a Mary Kay rep doing makeovers: a beautiful woman, beautifully dressed, named Tatiana. I had my nails done first and chatted quite a bit with the manicurist. She kept praising my nails and I told her about flying. She said she'd LOVE to be my seatmate ~ she'd talk about my dressing the whole time. She said "would that bother you?" and I said "that would be my best-case scenario."

I passed on the makeup (she had a queue) and a woman (Allie) started chatting with me as she ate and I took some pictures. We engaged in some girl talk, and I felt GREAT. This is what life is about.

I didn't pick up any clothes, but I did notice that almost ALL of my clothes were gone. I consider that a vindication of my sense of style. That's my story anyway.

I noticed another tg picked up a dress I left ~ I kept it for YEARS even though I never expected to wear it again. It was the first dress I ever bought. I got it from Fredericks, in a "grab bag". Pay a low dress price, specify a size, and they send you what they want. It was actually a nice dress, but it's time to move on. I miss it already though.


(There were about four tg's there.)


Post Swap Disaster(?)

My car is new, with 12,000 miles on it. Today is sunny, clear, and dry. I was driving on the highway in a stretch where the next exit is about five miles away. Suddenly there's a bang and my car is behaving pretty much OK but there's a lot of noise coming from the back right, and it's getting louder. I start to move over to the right and slow down a bit, to under 50. The right lane is eventually an exit lane, so I get off, drive to the first right and make the first left after that. I park and put on my four-ways and get out.

My right rear tire is pretty much detached from the rim. It's floating in the wheel well and the rim is kinda clean. Click om the picture to get the full beauty of this. Added bonus ~ you can see me in the reflection!



Before I left this morning, I put the following in my purse: camera, foundation, lipstick, lipliner, tissues, cash, two credit cards, my driver's license, my health insurance card, my auto insurance card, and, what the heck, I'll take the 24-hour-emergency-roadside-service card.

I felt less stupid at that moment.

I called the number and, after a seven minute call, the woman assured me help would be there in about 45 minutes. In 40 minutes, I had a call from someone who had the wrong town. A couple of minutes later, I got a call from a truck in the right town, with the wrong street name.

I listened to my iPod, watched cars, and changed into my flats. Driving in heels was no problem, but I wanted to change anyway. I'm not sure why.

An hour after my first call, Matt showed up in a station wagon. I got out of the car, and walked around to the back with my camera so I could get a picture of the damage. Then I turned to the auto guy who screamed "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU?"

No, Matt the car guy is, I believe, unflappable. I know when I opened my mouth any doubt as to what was inside that dress went away, but he acted like this is a normal occurrance. I had an hour of sitting in a car in 97 degree heat to think of a story, but I didn't like the lies I'd have to tell so I figured if he asked (unlikely), I'd wing it, based on his attitude. If it was like my above comment, maybe I'd go with a story. If it was "so why are you dressed like that?" I'd probably say "it's something I do, sometimes. I was at an event that was all women, so I used the opportunity to join in."

The truth.

I would love to read the minds of people just from the moment they first see me until they realise Meg is probably not my original name. I'm hoping it's "nice legs" or "nice dress" or "whoa! MILF". I'll never know, so I'll go with the last one. :)

Tire changed quickly, no charge, and I'm home again, an hour later and a bit sweatier.

When I'm delayed, or stuck in traffic, or I miss a long traffic light by seconds, I like to think that there's a reason ~ maybe if I made the light a car would've crashed into me. Something like that. I try to accept it, and use it as a chance to listen to more music or a radio show.

Today, when I arrived home, the street was deserted. There were lots of cars, but no people. I like to think that, an hour earlier, all of my neighbors were standing in my driveway chatting and they would have seen me drive up and....

Overthinking, I'm still not sure if I'm optimistic or delusional.

It was a good day in a dress. And the exploding tire and unexpected encounter could be either a warning to Not Do This or it could be another test for Meg, one that she passed. I hope if a guardian angel or something is guiding this, that I'm reading it right.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Tomorrow!

I'll be going to the clothing swap tomorrow. I was trying to find a poll widget but didn't see one. Please tell me which you think I should wear, either in comments or in an e-mail.

I think Meg looks pretty good today. I wish I was going out, but that's not in my plans. I have too much to do before tomorrow. I think I would have enjoyed a day of shopping though, and if flight day Meg looks this good, nothing will keep her out of the airport.

I have five possible dresses. Click on any of the images to get a larger view.

First up: animal print top, black skirt. I'm wearing a black cami with this one as it's a bit low-cut for someone with no cleavage. These are my favourite pumps, and I'll probably wear them tomorrow. It's a bit longer than I like, but it's a nice dress. The necklace and bracelet set me back about $8 at Burlington.

Next is the blue print. It also needs a cami. I'm wearing a lapis necklace and bracelet. I like the length better, but... does this dress make me look fat?

Third is a purple dress that also needs a cami. It's a bit short, I think, but I won't be, like, on an airplane or anything. I may be sitting at the swap, if there's any room for chairs. Kim's expecting quite a crowd!

Fourth is a longer purple dress. I really like this one, but it's a heavier material and I was sweating even in the house. I will be outdoors a bit, helping Kim move clothes and things in, and I don't need a heavy dress. It does not need a camisole. I have nothing against camis and slips ~ I just don't want the extra layer when it's supposed to be in the upper 90s.

Finally: my favourite dress. Hands down. I don't know why. I really like this dress. This is probably what I'll wear (unless you girls shout me down). My biggest problem is, I've worn it out several times already. I really want to wear something different, especially since i have 50+ dresses! The bold print dress, with those shoes and that purse (I haven't decided about jewelry. Probably black beads) is what I expect I'll be wearing tomorrow.



Oh.... here's Meg up close and personal too. First is how I like to look if I'm thinking about how I'm looking. I'm not a natural smiler. Below that is how I'll more likely look. But I'll try to remember: smile. And don't lurch when I walk. And stand up straight. And move gracefully, dammit!

Friday, June 25, 2010

Options.... Sort of

Here are the new shoes that I bought the other day. Each are uncomfortable in their own special way. The heels (below right) press into my little toe, which is a solvable problem for my feet. The flats (right) press on my big toe, which I need to resolve if I'm going to wear them (maybe for the long drive).

Someone wrote and asked about the dress I am keeping but won't wear out that I mentioned in my previous post.

Here it is. And the shoes (above) are actually very comfortable, but they're barefoot shoes and I do not have barefoot legs. They need hose to get people to say "nice" instead of "nauseous".

Dresses!

I've been trying on dresses, looking for something to wear Sunday and for some things to give away.

I tried on 20 dresses. I have three in the "giveaway" pile. I have two more in the "maybe" pile.

I originally pledged to myself that if it wasn't something I was going to wear outside, I'd give it away. This dress I'm wearing, for instance, is really hot ~ short, cap sleeves, not low cut but wide cut so bra straps show, pretty tight but not "show all" tight. I will never wear it out of the house. Maybe if my body was 30 years younger I would.

But it's going back in the closet. It's just too sexy to give away.

One dress I like is a hand-knit dress from Peru. It's nice, it fits well, but it's just not something I can see myself wearing out of the house.... So some lucky woman will get a treasure.

Oh.... I think I've tried on enough dresses tonight. I have 31 more.

Not including suits.

And I still haven't figured out which shoes to wear!

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Crossdressers

Saturday was to be an immersion day. I wanted to stay "in uniform", try on clothes, and hopefully get everything ready for the clothing swap and the trip.

So a customer called. He's very unhappy with his new computer, probably because he can't figure out Windows 7. I'll go there at 9am so I have the bulk of the day to myself.

I hate picnics (Problem In Chair, Not In Computer).

Small Favours

My manager will not be coming on my trip to the midwest.

Sunday Meg will be attending the local clothing swap. The (gg) hostess made this a potluck swap; I'll stop at the supermarket on the way.

Thinking about this in the middle of the night produced anxiety of about 3 on a scale of 1 to OHMYGODIREALLYSHOULDN'TDOTHISIMUSTBENUTS!

Planning to dress is the best way I've found to raise my heartrate without moving.

There Has to Be A Name for This

If I wear panties and girl socks and maybe a sports bra or cami under my regular civilian clothes, I'm underdressing.

Today I am doing that, but I'm also wearing a girl polo, girl jeans, and girl sneaks.

And that's called... overdressing? No that's what I'll do at the airport. And every other time Meg makes an appearance.

I shall ask my favourite writers. But the comment section is always open. And I'm always at youCanCallMeMeg, my gmail account.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Launch Delay

I'm trying to figure out exactly how this will play out. I will not be travelling on Sunday as planned. I will be out at a local clothing swap, en femme. I will be trying some outfits and taking some pictures this weekend.

Because I'm supposed to be in the midwest for a full week, and I was diverted for a day, I will not be ready for Sunday travel. My manager decided that I will go out the week of July 12th, since next week is a short week (happy Independence Day!).

I told her that I cannot travel on the 11th, because I have other plans. I don't think I'm out of line to expect her to clear with me whether I'm able to give up my weekend for the company (there is no comp time for travel days [or anything else, as far as I can see]).

I had suggested to my manager's manager that I could work on the other customer Thursday and when I return from my trip, since the other customer will be pretty much gone from Friday until after the 4th. He agreed this was a good idea, but never conveyed it to my manager.

This is turning into a work rant, and I apologise but I won't go back and delete it but I will end it here.

I spoke with the midwest customer and told them that if I come out for four days (travel on Monday July 11) I can continue to work on their project and maybe stretch the requirements a bit and give them some extras. They like this idea.

So it looks like I will be travelling on July 12th, a Monday. I'll continue to post progress, anxiety, and try to stay on-topic until then, in case anyone's still reading.

This will:

* give my fingernails, which keep breaking badly, a chance to recover.
* give Meg a chance to get out once more (maybe twice) this weekend.
* let me do a packing "dry run" and make a final packlist.
* maybe try fake fingernails again. I haven't had much luck before.
* let me find the right lipstick/gloss/liner and eye shadow/liner/mascara. Maybe.
* give me a chance to just get the accessories I need. I carry too much jewelry on trips.
* try on those shoes!

I think Meg is more of an optimist than her male counterpart is.

Meg thinks I can write a post-a-day and not lose everyone. :)

Oh... does anyone know any tg-friendly companies that are hiring?

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I Found The Perfect Shoe!

These.

Well, they're almost perfect. I'll wait while you look.

Waiting waiting waitingwaitingwatingwtingwtngwngwg

OK. They cost more than my Meg budget for the year. I could buy about 80 on-sale dresses at Dress Barn for the same price. So that's one problem.

They also probably have too many straps for airport security.

But if you want people to notice your shoes, Jimmy Choo light-up platforms are probably the way to go!

But I Digress

I was inspired to post this after reading a post on Jessica-Who.com

This past April, my wife wanted us to go to a "past life regression" hypnosis group thing. Do I believe in past lives? I'm open on the question. I've done this twice before, once unsuccessfully, once with interesting results (two female "past lives", one where I picked up the name Meg).

There was a (male) hypnotist, and ten subjects ~ not surprisingly for an event like this, there were nine women and me. One was my wife, one was her friend who we've known for about fifteen years; the rest were strangers.

The session was fairly typical for this sort of thing (as I understand it). You walk down a flight of stairs; as you walk down you go deeper into sleep. At the bottom is a door (maybe more than one); go through the door and into a "past life". From there, you're instructed to look at your feet and legs; this usually lets you determine your sex. See what you can of your clothes, look around, see other people, etc etc etc.

I went through the door and I was wearing tan moccasins. I was also wearing tan buckskin-kind-of pants. All of my clothes was the same soft hide material; my shirt was open. I had straight black hair and no chest hair. I remember seeing some turquoise jewelry. But I didn't FEEL native American. I looked for fringes (my idea of N-A dress) and didn't see any. I think I was wearing a belt; not exactly N-A. I was standing on a grassy plain, but the grass was manicured, not growing wild. I had no sense of a name or anything else. I was disappointed that I wasn't female. I noticed that my hands, however, were VERY feminine. I thought that odd, and tried to change them to match the way I looked. That didn't happen.

Scene change requests by the hypnotist just passed me by ~ I stayed on the field, still unsure of who or what I was.

After the session, each person writes as much as she remembers, in great detail. The hypnotist then does a debrief: each person tells what they experienced and the hypnotist asks questions and helps find important details and flesh out your experience. This is where he shined!

Last time we did a debrief, I declined; I'm normally quite shy. I thought I'd go outside my comfort zone and take advantage this time. I went third. I told pretty much what I told here, but left out the hands (not deliberately; he started asking questions). I did mention that I wasn't sure if this was authentic, a costume, or a clothing affectation. He glommed onto the "costume" part.

"Do you often wear costumes?" he asked. "Not usually," I said. Now I'm thinking: as an adult, I've never been to a costume party, although Meg has. Well, I've done Halloween AS Meg. Actually, the whole dressing up is a costume, isn't it? Hmmmm.... It's not fair to mislead him; maybe he'll change the subject or drop it.

No such luck.

He really wanted that "not usually" comment qualified, and I wasn't ready to do that. He said "can I ask your wife a few questions?" I said "sure." What could I say?

He started asking her about my "costuming" and I kept thinking and then I interrupted. She'd have to dance around the issue instead of me. "I don't want you to put her on the spot. I crossdress. So yes, you could call that a costume."

I didn't hear gasps, giggles, or anyone passing out, so that's a good thing. I wish I was looking at the bulk of the room, to see reactions, but I wasn't.

He made a connection I did not: berdache. He knew the term, but was fuzzy on details. I hadn't thought of that for a long while, but I'm familiar with it. Hey, I do my research. :) I also remember a movie that had a berdache in it, but I couldn't remember the name. Later I did: Little Big Man.

He expounded on the connection between what I do, and the Indian, and made quite a bit of sense.

I also mentioned the hands at this point, and the fact that, as I was walking down the stairs, I was wearing heels.

When he was done, I got my friend's attention and called across the room "SURPRISE!"

Afterwards, I apologised to our friend for catching her off-guard, but she didn't seem to care one way or the other. We spoke more about her hypnotic experience than about the "other me".

The other women, I'll most likely never see again.

The woman who was there is part of a group of my wife's friends that meet at our house once a month or so. My wife often says "why don't you join us?" and I've said "maybe I will, as Meg, so I fit in."

Maybe I will.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Five Days!

Or is it Five Days?

My former manager always tried to schedule jobs a few weeks in advance. Even if someone was available, she'd try to never take last-minute (or even close) jobs. Customers understand that we're busy, and it helped her to schedule our time so there were no surprises.

My new manager is the anti-former-manager. She thinks nothing of telling us to go here or there on a few day's notice, or canceling and moving things around. Originally, I wasn't even supposed to be going to the midwest. I was going to Southern Virginia for a week. After I contacted the customer to get details of the job (and I looked into some t-possibilities there), she decided someone else would go and I'd be doing a month job in the midwest.

Now she's trying to wedge two days at another customer in for me for this week. That means the other project won't be done, and we'll be delayed a bit.

I still say we're at code yellow. I give Meg a 90% chance of flying ~ just maybe not Sunday.

Code Yellow

The temperature at both airports will be in the mid-90s on Sunday.

The company I work for wants me to spend two days on a different project, possibly pushing my midwest visit from Monday-thru-Friday to Wednesday-thru-Friday.

If that happens, I'll make Tuesday a travel day, and all will work since I'll be doing the hotel thing anyway.

To recap, originally I picked this trip because it starts when my family is away so I can dress at home and go. Because I don't want Meg to be seen getting into a cab with luggage (a giveaway), I decided to stop at a hotel and change there and then go to the airport. So even if this trip doesn't work, I can do this in the future! But it will work.

So if I go Tuesday, Meg can go to her friend Kim's clothing swap on Sunday. The nail place opens earlier on Tuesday so I can get an earlier flight and get my nails done as Meg.

Expected temperatures at both airports for Tuesday is a slightly more comfortable mid-80s.

It's all up to my local customer right now. I think I have the midwest customer under control.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Little Pains

Next to my voice, I like my eyebrows least. So now I'm reading this (thanks for the pointer, Stana!).

Getting Out

I've decided that leaving the house dressed with a suitcase is too risky.

There's a good chance my neighbor would see me leave, and that means my wife would know before I even told the driver where I'm going. If she knew I was flying, that wouldn't be as big a problem.

Comments and notes have convinced me a hotel is the way to go.

In a hotel, I can take a cool shower and spread out and change in a comfortable environment. I'll need early arrival, but I don't think that'll be a problem.

I looked for inexpensive hotels near the airport and there are a few for as little as $65. I'm planning on one that charges about $70 beacuse it's 100 yards from a nail place.

How long does it take to get a manicure? About an hour?

So here's the (over)plan by start times. I'm assuming a 3pm flight, so I want to be at the airport by 1. This is important if I'm flying on Sunday, since the nail place won't open until 11. If the flight changes, I'll adjust accordingly:

0800: be all packed, dressed in drab, get in cab
0845: arrive at hotel
0900: be in room
0915: shower and shave!
0945: contacts
1000: makeup
1100: dressed
1130: manicure
1230: request cab for Meg
1245: check out of hotel
0100: arrive airport

While I'm at it....
0300: on plane
0445: arrive at destination (central time)
0515: get bag, get shuttle to rental cars
0545: get rental car
0700: arr hotel or restaurant if I'm hungry and still standing

There's a possibility that I'll be traveling during the week instead (more soon). If I do, I'll have to allow an extra 30 minutes to get to the hotel. Traffic is hell here.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Still Overthinking

I need new shoes. I have mid-heels that are comfortable and will go with what I plan to wear. BUT I'm wondering if heels are going to push my knees up to the point where they push into the tray if it's down. I never thought to measure the clearance before.

So I'm going to try to find low heels or flats.

But I may wear the heels 'cause they are my most comfortable shoes.

But I'll still try to find some flats. They'll still be better for the long drive from the airport to the hotel. Or to dinner and the hotel.

What Is Reality?



But I'm still flying!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Still Agonising....

The quick shots I took the other day all stink, so I don't have a good photo of the top I'll probably wear. This is an old picture of the skirt I'm considering. It fits well, is about the right length and has a 3" or so pleat at the bottom. It's a bit longer than I like, but I'm not trying to attract attention, am I? No, I'm not. Definitely not.

I think many of us have the same problem: we want to look feminine, which means we want to turn heads, which means we want to get male attention, which we don't really want. (I did say many. I know some gurls who welcome male attention. I know others who welcome gurl attention.)

I've had some admirers approach me for dates. They found me in a support group I used to belong to, although I never managed to go to a meeting. The reason I never went to a meeting is, they seemed open to hooking up, which is not where I'm at. Or, they found me on URNotAlone, a site I really should get more serious about. I say the same thing about LinkedIn though. There's never enough time.

Where was I? Oh yeah. I've had admirers approach me for dates. They are generally very nice, they assure me that we'd meet on my terms and in public, and there wouldn't be any funny stuff, unless I was interested. They're also uniformly extremely persistent. I think dating as a woman would be an interesting female experience. I think getting pressure from a man to date is also a very female experience. I also think they send an offer to every gurl within a 50 mile radius, hence the offers to me.

I wish I made a prettier woman. I wish I was younger and sexier. I also do not want male attention.

I also wish I could explain the last paragraph.

Friday, June 18, 2010

I Beat My Wife

home. I beat her home.

That meant I could bring in the forms that arrived earlier without having to explain that the box has Meg stuff in it. She would frown. I doubt she'd ask what's in it. That's the way it is.

The order was changed via my e-mail request and still arrived in two days from placement. I don't order often, but this is why I buy from GlamourBoutique. Plus, they sponsor fictionmaina. That's how I found them several years ago.

And I Thank You

I've received about 20 comments and followers, and I made a half-dozen new friends via e-mail. I publish and cherish every comment, and I will respond to e-mail (and to some comments as well) as I can.

But I need to keep to a tight schedule to make this work on time, so please bear with me. And if anyone wants to drop me a note, I'm at youCanCallMeMeg@gmail.com

And a special THANK YOU to Stana for mentioning me in her blog. Without her, I'd be getting six hits a day instead of 300+!

What Could Possibly Go Worng?

This post is the combination of fear and a personality bordering on anal. Before I take a trip, I make a detailed list of what I need to bring. Before I go on a trip where Meg might make an appearance, the list is, of course, a lot longer.

Forms, cinch, hose, heels, jewelry (and I'll itemise each item), makeup (same), wig, contacts (which I rarely wear but Meg always does), contact cleaner, makeup remover, what outfits to bring, slip, cami(s).... You get the idea. For this trip, nail polish remover will be required ~ I want to get my nails done before travelling!

When Meg's staying home, there's a little bag with toothpaste and stuff that I take. I pack a shaver, and several clones of whatever I'm wearing at the moment.

So now I'm making a new list.

Since its inception, I started thinking about what can thwart my planned trip. One reason for this is, I can come up with workarounds for some and I can identify the showstoppers.

This trip requires several things to happen that have never happened before. I will be travelling on a day when the family is away. I'll have a day or two before to prepare (like, extensive shaving) and maybe do a dry run. I'll be traveling alone. It's not the middle of winter or summer, when the extra things like sweating to death or managing a coat will just be too much.

So the basics are there, and this may be a once-in-a-lifetime event. Or at least a once-before-I'm-an-old-lady event.

I started this a week or two ago. I have some updated information that I'll put in this purty green colour.

So by category (did I mention anal up there?):

Weather.

If it's too hot or too wet on either end, I'll have to pass. I'm not going to figure out how to keep my wig from looking like a drowned Pekingese pup. I also don't want to drive on unfamiliar roads in pouring rain (and where I'm going, they get Really Bad Storms). If light rain, or a possibility of rain, is forecast, all is go.

Makeup + wig = hot. I'll be anxious anyway, which will increase perspiration. I *need* hose. If it's above 90, I'll reconsider.

Weather is subjective. It may be 99 but I'm psyched and I'm going! Or maybe not. Right now, the high is predicted to be around 90 at both airports.

Work.

It's possible my manager (who sort of knows but is in denial because she doesn't want to REALLY know) may go on the trip with me. She did on the last one. I will try to talk her into meeting me there later in the week. Or she may not go at all. If she does go on the same day, she may take a different flight, but I do NOT want her to see me at the hotel when I arrive. If she's on a later flight, I should be good to go. There's no sign that she's planning to go, but communication is her weak spot.

It's also possible the work won't be completed on time and I have to wait a week. In that case, I'll go away with the family and sigh and dream about what might have been and all this good anxiety will have gone for naught. I just left a meeting where they are talking about postponing the trip a couple of days. This is not not not fatal! I'll write more in another post.

Airline.

I need a late morning to mid-afternoon flight. Too early and I won't be able to get ready without a really early start. Too late and I'll risk driving at night and I don't want to do that. My old eyes are happier in daylight. I have to drive almost 90 minutes after arrival. So I'd like to be on the ground by, say, 6 and leave no earlier than, say, 12. That's a bit tight, and I can be a bit flexible, especially on departure time. But I do have to plan on four hours to get ready, get to the airport, get through security.... Especially on a Sunday!

I thought about this a lot (Hi. Call me Meg. I tend to overthink things.) and I'm still not sure if I want an aisle or window seat.

Window: I can look out the window and ignore my seatmate. I'm hidden from the rest of the plane.
Aisle: I can go to the restroom without asking permission from a seatmate but I'm more exposed.
Middle: I don't know if they fly planes that large on this route.

I'm thinking aisle.

Another problem: I may not know I'm really going until the last minute so I may not have a choice. Even the Monday morning flight I took last week and Friday afternoon were both mostly full.

Health.

If I'm not feeling well, Meg is not flying although I will.

I need to make sure my eyes will be content with contacts for 12+ hours. In the past, they haven't been but I have a different brand now. Contacts are in now. They're OK but not great. But they're good enough.

I also have an allergy to SOMETHING that makes one or both eyes tear badly and hurt a lot. I don't want running mascara/liner and the thing that helps the pain is rubbing my eye, which Meg cannot do without making a mess. I need to keep an eye (so to speak) on how my allergies are doing as flyday approaches.

Not really health, but if I'm really sloppy and give myself a good cut while shaving, one that I can't cover or explain, then I may skip it. This is subjective.

Voice.

My girl voice sucks. So be it. If I was to worry about all my flaws I'd never get out the door in the morning. Any morning.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

A Quickie....

A couple of people commented that my current outfit is inappropriate for the air trip. Yes, it is. That was just part of my pass/fail attempts.

As I tried on each skirt today, I stood and looked at the hem then I sat and looked again. Most skirts move up a few inches when you sit down. Ideally, my skirt will be just above my knees when I stand and have enough fabric to drape when I sit.

One of the skirts that I like to wear around the house is short and red and pleated I suppose it's a tennis skirt.. It also says "Head" on it. Not the message I want to give!

For a similar reason, I didn't want to wear a top that says "Guess" on it. :)

Agonising Over Clothes

I want to wear the right outfit for this outing.

I have too much clothes, at least on the girl side of my closet. I'm starting to cull items that I can't wear outdoors ~ I used to only dress indoors, so if a pretty skirt was too big, I'd pin it and wear it. Or if it was too short, I'd enjoy it. And if I had a top that went with nothing I'd find something to wear with it, even though I'd be barred from ever being called a fashionista (as if that would ever happen anyway).

I decided against a dress. That eliminates a lot of items. Even my casual dresses are too dressy. I will stand out, because I overdress. I don't need to overdo the overdressing. I did consider a wedding gown, just because I can wear a veil (kidding).

I decided against pants. That eliminates, um, nothing. I know. You're all shocked.

I picked out three possible tops, although I may change my mind and add more (or buy more). One is a print top, one is a pink knit, and one is a light blue casual top. All have long sleeves, although I will be shaving my entire arm so that's not a requirement. All of the sleeves can be bunched up, and I probably will do that.

Then I went through my skirts and put away all the "too's". That's the ones that are too short, too tight, too loose, too heavy for summer, and show too much of what women aren't supposed to show under a skirt. Yes, I know about tucking, but it seems I have a choice between tucking and comfortably crossing my legs.

Because of my shortened time alone, I only had time to try on clothes, not do a "full Meg". I tried on the different tops, with different skirts (it's down to 7), and different shoes.

I took pictures of each combination but the camera was hand-held in lowish light, into a mirror. It would have taken too long to set up the tripod and timer and everything. I haven't seen them yet; if they're at all decent I'll find a way to post. I'd really love some feedback!

I've changed my picture again. Any comments? Better? Worse? Stay home? Stay away from my boyfriend? :)

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Logistics

Thinking ahead to travel day....

I'm not sure which of the two airports I'll be flying out of. Either one is difficult to drive to, and I'd prefer to leave my car for family to use, so I'm considering taking a taxi to the airport.

This causes a problem.

Generally, I park in my garage and Meg pulls out and drives to wherever. I have personalised tags, so it's possible someone will recognise my car, but I consider it unlikely and don't worry about that.

My neighbors are nosy, especially on one side. They see everything. This worked out well once, when a housesitter had some friends over and told us about it. This worked out less well once. Before Meg was going out, she'd walk into the yard and water the plants for a few minutes. Once I came in and the phone rang. It was my neighbor, calling to speak to my wife. She never calls. I told her she wasn't in. I know she saw a woman in the yard and was trying to figure out what it was about. Meg looks nothing like my wife.

In the past, I've always told my wife when Meg will be going out. She will try to discourage it in any number of ways. This changes nothing, and I anticipate it.

I will not be telling her about flying as Meg. I'm not sure what her reaction will be, but it will neither be pretty nor short term. I won't even tell her after the fact. This is one of those things that should be secret, but isn't. If I wasn't writing here, no-one would know. I've gained a lot from the community and risking a secret to give back is acceptable to me.

Emo Phillips said "when I was a boy, I prayed to God for a bicycle. Then I realised that that's not how God works. So I stole a bicycle and prayed for forgiveness."

I'll ask for forgiveness, but I'd rather she never knew.

So I do not want her to get a call from the neighbors saying "I saw a woman leave your house with a suitcase and get into a cab". Or "I saw your husband dressed as a woman leave your house with a suitcase and get into a cab".

So I think I'll take a cab to somewhere, get changed, and get another cab to the airport.

I've changed in family rest rooms in malls before, but this is different. I have to take a suitcase and laptop in with me, and then call a cab to meet me at a mall.

A hotel is possible, but hotels here are expensive. I can call the hotel desk and they can get a taxi for me. I have more room to spread out and change in a hotel room. That leaves two other problems.

I need to ensure I can get early arrival. I'll be there quite early if I'm changing there. And there's the cost of the hotel. The cheapest I found is $65. With all the fees they hit visitors with, it'll be about $80. I really doubt my company will pick that up as an expense. :)

Another possibility is asking one of the local women who have met Meg if I can change there. There are four I can ask, but each presents a difficulty. One will have her teenage nephew with her. Another will have her teenage sons and husband at home. Another will have her husband and young children with her. The fourth I do not know well.

Maybe I can find a place to change on Craigslist. :)

It's not insurmountable, and I might still drive. I'll keep y'all posted.

In short-term logistics, tomorrow is a work-at-home day. A lot of what I'm doing has periods of an hour or more when I just have to wait for something to complete. I have a list of things to do to fill in that time (and I'll work until late at night to make sure I get everything done). Included are:
* see if I have stockings/garter to wear (easier for the restroom, especially on a plane, I think)
* spend as much time as possible in a few of pairs of shoes I may choose from. I have high, mid, and low heel possibilities. I want to be comfortable, but I really want to wear those spikes.
* organise my makeup for flight day
* try on skirts. I think I have the top I want, but I want to find the right skirt. I hope to get some pictures and ask opinions.
* try on my other forms and see why I don't like that other one
* reshave arms and legs

Since the kids will be out of the house at 7 and not back until almost 4, and my wife works all day this would be enough time (barely) for all of those things.

Then I found out my oldest son's school is letting out at 10.30.

*sigh*

Personal Attention

Many years ago, I bought a wonderful pair of forms from GlamourBoutique. They were GL-2000N and since I don't wear them much, they've lasted way longer than the few years I'd expect them too.

Now I've been traveling with them (packed away) and they don't have the hard plastic to protect them. I think they'd have lasted a lot longer if I packed them right, but there's a plastic skin that's coming off the actual form.

So I was about to order replacements (from the same company) and instead I ordered a pair that cost half as much but sounded good.

At the same time, I sent an e-mail to the owner of GlamourBoutique, asking his opinion of the forms vs the GL-2000N. He wrote back a few minutes ago and said, to be honest, they weren't as soft (boo) and less concave (yea! I'm not very convex). They're good forms, but the GL-2000 are better. I asked him to change my order, and I paid the extra (paypal) and it is done.

I own three pairs of forms that I bought over the years. I often try out the others, but I always go back to the 2000's. One has a nipple that's too prominent ~ I don't need to look like I'm in a constant state of excitement. The other.... It's hard to describe but I don't like it as much. Maybe tomorrow I'll try.

For inquisitive minds, I wear a 38c bra and size 44 forms (for the GL-2000). With some bras and tops, I add a soft handball-size ball that I've cut in half behind the form. I won't be doing that on the flight. I've also tried hose with polyfill in it and a split styrofoam ball for backing, but the ball works the best.

By the way, googling "best breast form" doesn't give very interesting results.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Chris Elucidates

Yesterday, if anyone read to the end of the tome I wrote, I said that Chris had another comment that I didn't understand. Today, she clarified:

About family etc., it's is just that most of the CD blogs are about what I wore, where I went, what I did, but very little about, say, how my wife felt when I stood in our bedroom wrestling into my foundation garments. Or about how the Brother-in-law reacted to her high heels and stockings. I guess I am seeking to hear in these important aspects of life the same success stories we hear under the rubric "I went to the Speedy Mart en femme and didn't get mugged."

With the exception of my wife, my family universally does not know about Meg. My wife helped me shop a bit, and get dressed a long time ago (just playing around, you understand) but once I was dressed, she'd want nothing to do with me. She bought me a few girl things for birthdays for a few years, but then that turned into her buying whatever was on sale, whether she thought I'd like it or not, whether it would fit or not ~ sort of an obligation. That, thankfully, stopped.

To me, a secret is something that only you know. I have secrets ~ there are things that I've never told anyone, and they'll probably stay that way. Then there's what I call "close", things that most people don't know. If I tell someone a "close" thing, then I understand that they can do what they want with it. Friends who know about Meg know that she's not a secret. There's no "don't tell anyone, but Meg is really..." there. And I make it clear that they know that.

But so far no-one's spread the word, which is cool.

Last spring, I announced in front of a group of 12 that I crossdress. One male, my spouse, one female friend, and nine women I'd never met before. My former manager at my current company knows. My manager at my former company knows, as does a coworker there. Four women who are part of a clothing swap meetup know. All of these people (except the group of 12) have seen me dressed. I also have an e-mail friend I've known for 17 years who knows, and an e-mail friend I've known for 16 years who I recently told. I've met each once, but not as Meg. A few women have done my makeup, and we've gone shopping together, but they kind of only know Meg. (If anyone wants to know more about why or how these people know, just ask.)

So Meg is "close", but certainly not a secret.

I think if I told my boys, they'd either not care or they already know. I mean, half of my closet is dresses! But I'm not ready to sit down and say "kids, I have something to tell you."

Maybe I'll fly home dressed too, and they'll find out that way. :)

To Pass or Not To Pass

The other comment I want to address was anonymous and here is the gist:

judging by the photo on your blog, you don't look very passable. I think you would be crazy to consider flying .... at best, you risk ridicule by others, at worst you risk being beaten up or arrested (it is not a good idea to mess with airport security guys). If I were you I would get a reality check and stick to visits to the local mall.

I'm not the first transgender to pass through airline security. My friend Deb pointed me to Kimberly who flies regularly. I admit she looks a LOT better than I ever have or ever will, but she still says she has no problem.

Lisah wrote to me:

I travel a lot for work, and have been doing so almost exclusively in girl-mode for the last 2 years. The bottom line is that you should have no problems. As long as you're using your legal photo ID, and it matches the name on the ticket, you're ok. The TSA folks receive specific training in TG sensitivity (really!) and so are not going to be terribly surprised by you. Some of the best compliments I've received have been when they've said to me "You've given me the wrong ID, Ma'am" In all the travelling I've done, I've never been given a hard time (other than the aforementioned)

I doubt that I risk being beaten up in a crowded airport.

And anon stopped half-way on the best/worst line.

My worst-case scenario involves sitting next to David Duke for three hours on the plane.

My best-case scenario involves being treated as a women by the cabbie, ticket agent, TSA, flight attendants, my seatmate, the rental car clerk, and the hotel desk. Oh, and my seatmate strikes up a conversation about either girl stuff or why I'm traveling as Meg. Either way, it would make for a short pleasant flight.

In between, I'm ignored by my seatmate, called sir by everyone else, fall off my heel and sprain an ankle, my allergies act up and my eyes tear up and my makeup becomes a mess, and I get in trouble because I have to use the ladies' room. Some or all of those.

But mostly, the in between things I can live with. And the worst-case is as unlikely as the best case.

I also changed pictures. Am I passable, or not? (I admit, I have 10 pictures I don't like for every one I do, and I'll be in close quarters ~ I should pick my worst, not my best and ask what you think!)

Monday, June 14, 2010

Two Minds

Are y'all ready for a novel? Here it comes.

So far, I have received four comments on this blog. One was a friend saying hi (Hi Deb!) and one was a very encouraging note from an anonymous reader.

I appreciate every note and comment.... I don't think I put my e-mail address on here (youcancallmemeg@gmail.com) but I will. I've been spending free time writing, and thinking about the trip, and planning, and not learning blogspot or blogger or whatever this site calls itself.

I'd like to address the other two comments I received. One is from Chris. She noticed that I said I would be in a secure facility and wondered if there's a problem with clearance and crossdressing. (By the way, the secure facility I was in that day was a women's prison!)

I answer every security questionnaire truthfully. I haven't come across one that asks about sexual orientation or gender identity issues. There is usually a catchall "is there anything you can be blackmailed about?"

When I filled out my first form, I paused there. And I made a decision: if I ever got a call from someone saying "I know what you do when you're alone and I have pictures and the addresses of your family and friends and boss and you will do what I want or I'll tell all...." I'd take a deep breath and say "knock yourself out."

So no, this is not something I can be blackmailed about. Yes, I'm of two minds on the word getting out. But I'm leaning more towards being true to myself, and letting chips fall where they may.

I wear women's shirts sometimes. If anyone were to notice and say "isn't that a woman's shirt?" I plan to say "no it's MY shirt." This is evolutionary ~ at one time I would've stammered and fallen over at the thought of being discovered. From there I went to planning to saying something like "No! It can't be. Is it? Why do you think that?" and never wearing it again. I'm heading towards the point where I'll say "yes, I saw it in the store and I liked it so I bought it." Final step is "yes, I like wearing women's clothes. It fits well, doesn't it?"

I'm not there yet, but sometimes I feel like making the leap. And no-one's ever asked.

I wear socks with flowers or feminine patterns. I think it's pretty obvious that they're not men's socks. I've been asked about it only once or twice. I simply say "I don't wear ties and I want a little colour in my wardrobe" and that's sufficient. But I should say, "they go with my girls' sneakers." Two minds.

I wear a charm bracelet, with four charms on it. Almost no-one comments on it, which I think means people notice it and aren't sure what to do about it. When people do, I explain each of the charms and why I wear the bracelet. Recently, an elementary school age girl saw it and said "is that YOURS?" I said "of course! Whose would it be?" She said "your wife, or your daughter".

No-one notices that hair on my arms (and legs and upper chest) seems to come and go.

About a year ago, I was joking with my manager and said that I could look like a girl. A few days later, I showed her a picture. I had to convince her that it was me (she was certain it was my sister - yay!). Then she asked "was this for a party, or is this something that you do, sometimes?"

I thought that was the most perfect description of my relationship with Meg. I was going to try the "party" defense (actually I wasn't sure what I was going to say ~ that two minds thing) but I said "it's something that I do, sometimes."

That was one of the most liberating moments of my life. And it worked out well ~ she wanted to see more pictures and when I suggested I come to work for Halloween (well, the day before) she practically insisted. I did. Again, for the "two minds" thing, I had a makeover at MAC that day so when people said "you seem awfully good at the makeup" I could say MAC did it.

About ten years ago, when just shopping for women's clothes gave me small panic attacks, I went into a little shop called "Boutique Unique". They had new clothes, used, clothes, vintage clothes. The owner was there and the shop was mostly deserted. I picked out a few things and she said there are no returns. I was wondering if I should buy them and she said "what size do you usually get?" From the tone and her look, I knew she was trying to decide if they were for me or not. I just blurted out "I usually wear a 12" and she pulled out a tape measure and measured me and told me which of the clothes might fit or might not and said I could try them on, but I was NOT ready for that.

Two minds.

Back to the original point.... My wife thinks crossdressing can get my clearance revoked. I think not.

Chris also wrote:

I find myself most curious about our relations with job / friends / wife, and I keep asking about such.

Well, I'm not quite sure what you mean, which is a good thing. This is long enough, but if you explain a bit, I'll be happy to answer. At some point I'll explain my philosophy on secrets. Amanda, you can skip that one. :)

The other comment I want to briefly address was anonymous and here is the gist:

judging by the photo on your blog, you don't look very passable. I think you would be crazy to consider flying .... at best, you risk ridicule by others, at worst you risk being beaten up or arrested (it is not a good idea to mess with airport security guys).

But this is way too long, so I'll leave it for tomorrow.

I'm also going to change pictures. Am I passable, or not?

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Dry Run

My plan was to treat last week's trip as a dry run for my next trip. The main difference would be traveling on Sunday (next time) instead of Monday (last time). I could scope out family restrooms so I can avoid the ladies' room. I could see how other women were dressed so I wouldn't stand out too much. Like most of us, I tend to overdress. I can wear a t-shirt and jeans any day.

This is special.

I know I should try to blend in, but if a woman is going somewhere special, doesn't she dress up? Every place Meg goes is someplace special!

There is also a "10 Minute Nail" place at the airport and I wanted to see what they offer. I do want a manicure before the flight. I may have to get one (in drab) the night before. I don't have a huge problem with that. I do have a small problem with that however. :)

It turns out that I couldn't do any of those things. There are two airports nearby, and in order to make my Monday morning meeting and not get up at 4am, I had to fly out of the other airport. I will do a lot of things for Meg time, but I'm not a fanatic. OK, I'm not an extreme fanatic.

If I get nervous about the airport, I may drive down and check things out and drive back. It'll be worth the price of parking and gas, I think. It's more a matter of making the time. And I won't be able to see what's beyond security ~ if that's where I need to be, then I won't bother.

I did get to people watch. Even though it was Monday morning, and people might be traveling for a same-day meeting, jeans or casual slacks or shorts and shells or polos or tanks were the most common sight. Flip-flops, flats, sandals, sneakers on most feet. A couple of very casual dresses were present. Even the one woman wearing a business suit wore tennies ~ I presume she'll change after the flight. I saw a couple of younger ladies with shorter skirts than I'd wear on a plane. Most of the dressier clothes were on women I wouldn't want to femulate. So I'll be in a class by myself. Unless the rest of the airport looks at me and thinks "I wouldn't want to look like her."

(I hate to sound shallow, but it's all about looks [looking feminine], and I think narcissism is a part of this. I know Meg loves to see how she looks. My male philosophy is, I don't care how I look because I don't have to see me.)

I decided on the trip that I will pass on a dress and wear a top and skirt instead. That makes my choice easy:

top: sweater, polo, button down, short sleeve, long sleeve, 3/4 sleeve, v-neck, round neck, high neck, tunic, cotton, poly, nylon/rayon, silk, plain, sequins or other detail, lacy, ruffly, solid, stripe, print ~ some combination thereof.

skirt: solid, pattern, print, pockets or no, elastic or zip waist, above knee, below knee, mid-calf or longer, denim, cotton, poly, nylon/rayon, pleated, pleat bottom, slit or not, tight, full ~ some combination thereof.

At least I know I'll wear pumps and taupe or some other similar colour hose (although I may wear stockings, just because hose and a cinch and an airplane restroom and a possibly bouncy airplane seem like a bad combination. But no coloured hose or tights unless I nick my leg from ankle to knee.

I'll skip which lipstick and eye makeup and jewelry to wear until I figure out my outfit.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Opportunities Lost

I'm a bit peeved at myself. I missed two opportunities to build confidence on this trip.

I dressed on Thursday night, and I think I looked pretty good. The one pair of shoes I had are really sexy and really fit badly. I'm blaming the shoes, but I can't blame them for everything.

My hotel was adjacent to a large mall. I should've walked over to the mall and spent some shopping time there. I did not, and, yes I blame the shoes.

But I did go to the ice machine near the elevator to get some ice. The machine was broken. I considered going up to the next floor to see if I could get ice there, but I didn't want to be in an elevator with a stranger (only a possibility). OK, I'm still planning on flying en femme but I didn't want to be seen in an elevator? I'm kicking myself for that lost opportunity. How am I going to get used to being close to other people if I won't even ride an elevator up one floor? And I could've walked to the stairs at the end of the hall, but I didn't want to walk the length of the floor in case someone was there ~ equally stupid, no?

I did go to two different stores looking for other shoes earlier in the week, without luck.

The second lost opportunity was on the plane. I was sitting next to a very pretty young (early 20s?) lady. She seemed very distressed on takeoff. I could've asked if everything was all right, maybe started a conversation.... I'm normally a shy person but Meg is a bit less shy. I should have tried to put on my "Meg persona" and tried chatting. I did not.

I need to find an opportunity to be out in public at least once before the trip.

I am getting less inhibited about people knowing I have an out-of-the-ordinary hobby. I brought a pair of jeans and two definitely women's tops into a dressing room while in drab. The tops didn't fit right. I bought the jeans and the woman at the cashier surprised me by saying "these are women's. Are they for someone else?" I said "no they're for me." I still wonder if the woman at the dressing room spread the word after I handed her two tops upon leaving the dressing room.

I hope to do some "work from home" this week so I can try on some skirt/top combinations. I also want to get another bottle of foundation; I'd hate to run out on flight day. And I want some more time getting used to the extra weight on my chest.

I'm making a list of everything I need to get together to wear, and to bring in my purse, and to pack for later in the week.

I'm still not sure if I'm going to drive or take a cab to the airport.

And I'm trying to figure out what to bring to do on the trip. Maybe Glamour or some other magazines.

Lots to do.

I didn't like the missed opportunities, and I think the fact that I didn't do what I should have is making me more nervous about the flight (I was calming down), but I still plan to fly.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Day 5 Quickie

I have to get to work, and to the airport, and fly back home. I won't be in my home airport until 10.30. Unless I have time at the local airport, I won't be writing today.

I will be at a secure facility this morning. I'm not sure how they check people but since metal detectors are way too common, NO cinch today! Work is not ready for this.

I do have cute socks with roses on them for the airport take-off-your-shoes routine later today.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Endurance Testing

I've never spent twelve hours out crossdressed before. I figure this will be a twelve (or more) hour outing.

So starting last night (a bit over 28 hours ago) I have been wearing a cinch. I wanted to make sure it's comfortable when I'm standing/sitting/walking.... It is.

I also put on my bra with forms as soon as I came in tonight, as well as my wig. The wig is pretty comfortable, but not so I'd forget it's on. The breasts could be better ~ my back started hurting after a couple of hours, but I hope to wear them as much as possible (which won't be a lot, but still...) over the next couple of weeks. I'm also looking for earrings that won't hurt my ears. I have two pair that might work. At least I can take off earrings if they bother me (but I won't want to!).

I shaved my closest this morning at 6. It's now 10pm, and the makeup I put on this evening still seems to cover the facial hair. This is important to moving forward. Now I can cross:

whiskers show through makeup after 12 hours

off my list of potential problems. That leaves about 500 more.

I only went down the hall to get ice tonight. I didn't see anyone, and the ice machine is broken. I was thinking of going to another floor, but I didn't want to be in an elevator with a stranger. Pretty dumb, for someone who's planning to fly in a couple of weeks!

Off to bed now. Well, off to bed eventually ~ I have to get all this makeup off and pack everything. I must check out in about 8 hours.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

You Can Call Me Meg?

Why did I pick that name for this blog? It's very simple.

When I'm out, I'm not very comfortable meeting and chatting with others. I'm not secure enough, I think EVERYONE knows I'm male, and I'm fairly paranoid about it. Sometimes I do chat with people, usually sales people or women giving me a makeover (I've had makeovers in a couple of different salons, plus Macy's, plus MAC). But I sort of control that situation. If I don't want to have to chat, I don't have to walk into a fairly empty store, for example. Even then, a saleswoman will say "Hi! How are you?" from across the store and I'll just move my mouth and smile and she'll figure she can't hear me over the music.

I'd love to ask each person to tell me if I'm passing or not, or when they knew. I've said something a couple of times and was assured that I'm perfect and they only knew when I mentioned it, or when I started to talk, but they're usually trying to sell me something so I don't believe it.

If I was filling out a personality profile and I was asked for three adjectives describing myself, I'd put funny and honest on the list, for sure. Honesty is important to me.

I don't consider being Meg dishonest ~ it's a role, an illusion, a femulation. But what do I do when someone says "Hi, I'm Susie?" I could say "Hi Susie. I'm " but that would be weird. I could say "Hi Susie. I'm Meg" or "my name is Meg" but that would be lying ~ I'm not Meg. Instead I say "Hi Susie. You can call me Meg."

That's honest.

In real life encounters, I strive to always be honest. In on-line ones, not always. I'm old enough to remember the cartoon "on the internet, nobody knows you're a dog". I've posted my picture or profile on sites where I claim to be a woman, and make up a back story to go with that. Why? Not to deceive, but for affirmation. I want to see if people will accept me as a woman, and generally they do, which is euphoric.

Here, I will strive to be 100% honest, but there are things I will not say (yet). I may, depending on my audience.

Oh.... I do sometimes say "Call me Meg" but that was taken for a blog name, believe it or not. And the name Meg itself came from a past-life regression. My first girlname was Kim, I went to Marcia for a few years, tried Jill for a bit, but Meg seems to have stuck. I'm still not sure I love it.

Did I say it was simple? I meant complicated.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Why Am I Here?

Or why I am here.

I will be flying to the midwest at the end of the month. I'm a guy, but I plan to crossdress and fly as a woman. Crossdressing is something I do, sometimes.

It's day 2, and I want to try on some clothes I brought with me. I packed four outfits ~ 2 each dresses, skirts, tops, plus some different bras to see how everything sits, plus whatever else I need. I will probably NOT be going out, unless I can buy new shoes. The ones I brought were "possibles" for the airport ~ they're sexy, a little platform, high high heels, open toe, strappy back BUT the toes are uncomfortable, the strap too loose at its tightest, and I probably can't walk 100 yards in them before giving up. I will be Meg for at least 12 hours that day.

Back to the point.

My goal is to document the next three weeks as I plan to fly as Meg. I shall be traveling from the East coast to the midwest. I plan to drive to the airport, travel, get a rental car, drive to my hotel, check in, all as Meg.

Have I ever done this before? No f-ing way.

Am I ready for this? I don't know.

Do I know anyone else who's done this? No. I hardly know any other crossdressers, but I do know there are enough transwomen who travel that the TSA won't care that the gender box says "M" and I present as a woman.

I will be in the midwest this week (I'm there now), back home for two weeks, then at the midwest again, hopefully traveling as Meg.

When I was at the airport, waiting for my flight, I people watched ~ specifically girl watched. My goal is to see what the other women are wearing, and to scope out each airport ~ for instance, where are the family or handicap restrooms: I have never been in a ladies' room and I'd like to avoid that if possible.

So I hope to post daily as I look for clothes, plan my trip, and see if I can really pull this off. Wish me luck. Or not. Right now, I'm on target for liftoff!

Monday, June 7, 2010

A bit of an introduction....

I'm a male crossdresser, transvestite, transgender.... Pick a label. I check "M" when it asks for "sex" but I'm tempted to check "F" when it asks for "gender". Or at least put a question mark.

I dress as a woman occasionally (that means "every chance I get") but I have no plans to get any sort of surgery to become more female. Although if I could pick one, I'd probably get my vocal cords trimmed so my voice is more passable. Second choice is to get rid of body/facial hair.

But I'm not going to do either of those.

So here I am in powerpoint form:
* married, wife knows, doesn't approve
* 2 sons, they don't know
* I've been out dressed maybe a dozen times in the past six years. Sometimes, I have a makeup lady do my face and go shop with me. Other times, I dress, take a deep breath, and GO.
* I underdress daily ~ I only own panties, women's socks and undershirts (camis and tanks)
* I dress in "male-female" clothes (there needs to be a word for that). I buy women's shirts, shoes, pants that look male whenever I can. I only own women's jeans and shorts. My preferred shoes are women's New Balance, ny dress shoes are from Aerosoles, my beach-type sandals are women's.
* I wear a necklace (inside my shirt) and charm bracelet daily.
* I'm 56, 5'8", 155lbs, size 12 dress, size 8 skirt/pants, 38C (usually), 10.5W shoes, size 6-7 panties (depending on cut).

I'm far from female, but I think I pass (mostly) when I'm dressed. I may be prejudiced.

* I need to wear contacts; my glasses aren't very fem
* A lot of shaving is involved: arms, legs, chest, shoulders, neck, upper back, pits, hands, feet, and of course, face.
* But I don't shave my shoulders, back, pits, tummy, etc so I'm a bit limited on Tops I Can Wear ~ more to follow.
* there is no hair where I want hair so I need a wig. I try to get a haircut right before going out so none of my real hair shows through. I loathe wig caps.
* Without makeup I do NOT look female. I'm not sure what does it, but it does change my look! A LOT

Did I leave anything out? Just ask.

Today is day one of the blog. I'm in a Marriott with more girl clothes for the week than guy.